A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:6 weeks ago my girlfriend left to have a break and then come back because she said she missed me and didn't want to cry anymore two weeks later she has moved out completely again. we spoke a bit via txt and she said she never meant to hurt me and that i was all she ever wanted also saying that her worst fear ever was losing me. she says she has been trying to keep busy because it is so hard.then 3weeks later (a few days ago) i recieve a letter from her saying that she is sorry for hurting me but when she come back she had realised that the love wasn't there anymore. she says she feels like this because she thought i didn't care about her. that it become a habit and that we were having the same old arguements and it felt like groundhog day. she says she is not interested in anyone and that this has not even been on her mind but that she needs to be on her own and be independant. she says i am a good person and that she hopes that one day we will both be able to move on and that in a couple of years she would like to be friends when its not to awkward, she also said that everyone seems to be asking her why go through this break up if it is that upsetting but says that she is upset because she still cares about me as a friend?there is more to the letter but seems to be the same thing over and over.the problem is in the last 3weeks she has done nothing but go out with friends and going cinema and for meals etc she has deleted her fb page and started fresh one so only friends can view her and has not added any of my family whom had taken her in as a daughter friend to my sisters. she told my sister that she had enough and couldn't cope with fb although just started a new one which she did not say. so even though she says its hard for her why do feel like she is having a wale of a time and photos that i have seen would say so too, also certain updates to her previous profile before she changed also would say that she is fine. after nearly 5years i don't see how she can be like this, i havent seen her for 3 weeks and havent spoke to her for a week now. but was kinda expecting a message just to see if i was alright or whatever. i still feel that she hasn't thought about anything and all she seems to be doing is trying to delete me out of her life fb and drinking going out etc.surely by doing this she isn't actually dealing with it she is just blocking it out. i have been through heart break before but it has never felt like this why do still feel like she will be back or that one day she will regret her decision. i do have my faults but have never done anything but look after her. in the last couple of months i did put alot of time into the house we live in, i rent of my dad and have been doing this house up so that we could move soomewhere better. so maybe i was a little distant with her due to tiredness etc. but again it was all so that we could have a better life and start a family in a safe enviroment. dont know if any of this makes sense to anyone my head is kinda in the sand at the mo.additional info:my girlfriend comes from broken family her mum died 3 years ago from alcoholism and her dad is a nice bloke but his fartherly skills arent great. most of the women in her family have been in and out of relationships most of them due to them cheating on their husbands including my ex's mum while alive. i met my ex when she was 16 and i was 23 always thought she was different she was always so grown up for her age and has always had to be independant. she had said to me she did not want to be like her mum and that i was always the one for her even to a couple of onths ago she said how happy she was with me and that i was so different from the rest of the men out there. i really don't know what to do i have been tryig to get a flat now and just concentrate on myself but it seems so hard everywhere i go everything i do i think about her i cant sleep, eating is hard just feel numb?????????????????
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for the last response i have ordered this book and will read it although i have suggested help to her before and she has refused as she thinks there is nothing wrong with her. i know that you have said that i need to move on but really, i don't want to i feel that she is the one for me even if it is emotionally crippling at the moment. i love her that much that i would put her before me every time. in the end i do know that this is not a smart move. i just feel so lost without her. i do agree with what you have said but if i get in contact with her again i am scared that she will hate me for it. do you think personally that there ever will be a chance for us to get back together or is just a dream. if so what can i do to help me forget her and move on as i say i have been through heartbreak before after a 3.5year relationship from when i was 16 and then 20 to 22 again but it never felt like this on this extent i feel like i have lost everything again thank you for your answer i really do appreciate it
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for the last response i have ordered this book and will read it although i have suggested help to her before and she has refused as she thinks there is nothing wrong with her. i know that you have said that i need to move on but really, i don't want to i feel that she is the one for me even if it is emotionally crippling at the moment. i love her that much that i would put her before me every time. in the end i do know that this is not a smart move. i just feel so lost without her. i do agree with what you have said but if i get in contact with her again i am scared that she will hate me for it. do you think personally that there ever will be a chance for us to get back together or is just a dream. if so what can i do to help me forget her and move on as i say i have been through heartbreak before after a 3.5year relationship from when i was 16 and then 20 to 22 again but it never felt like this on this extent i feel like i have lost everything again thank you for your answer i really do appreciate it
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2011): You've gone through what is essentially a divorce. The way you feel will slowly change over time. But, it will take a long time."and drinking"Drinking leads to all sorts of bad things happening. You cannot change that, only she can. She may be having a whale of a good time on the surface, but remember that alcohol makes things look great, even if the things are terrible."my girlfriend comes from broken family her mum died 3 years ago from alcoholism and her dad is a nice bloke but his fartherly skills arent great. most of the women in her family have been in and out of relationships most of them due to them cheating on their husbands including my ex's mum while alive."Your gf is probably an alcoholic. This is a quiz that is very good, developed by Johns Hopkins in the USA.http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htmFrom the sounds of it, she probably has done something during her "break" or before it, that is in her mind irretrievably broken the relationship."her worst fear ever was losing me"People who have these fears do these things and destroy the very thing that they fear losing, because of fear. No truer words every written than "fear is the mind killer" from Dune. Probably one of the best little things ever written in any book.I must not fear.Fear is the mind-killer.Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.I will face my fear.I will permit it to pass over me and through me.And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.Only I will remain.But, those who come from your gf's situation don't have that ability unless they work hard and long to achieve it.I'd suggest you make contact one last time, then move on with your life. Tell her you came here to this site, asked these questions, and received a lot of advice. Tell her that you know that you yourself have to move on separately, but that you think she should consider getting help.Before you do, read this book.http://www.amazon.com/Complete-ACOA-Sourcebook-Children-Alcoholics/dp/1558749608Give her your copy, tell her that you read it, tell her that you understand, and hope that she works it all out.Adult children of alcoholics are full of fear that they try to hide, and much more.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (22 September 2011):
 Steel yourself for repeats of this "yo-yoing" if you choose to keep hanging around with this girl....
Alternatively, you might want to get a handle on your life and let her go her own way for at least a year..... and then - and only then - if she contacts you and sez she's come to her senses, you can re-open talks with her....
These yo-yo things can be excrutiating!!!!!
Good luck...
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