A
female
age
51-59,
*ove Looser
writes:I am currently three years into my second marriage. I have had successfull sexual relationships in the past. I have never ever experienced what I am currently experiencing so my question is two fold. 1. Is this a reasonable/healthy relationship? 2. What should I do to help? Just a little history; my husband is on his third marriage and has two grown children and one freshman who lives with his ex. I have two grown children ( one of which is in college) and one who is a freshman and lives with me. My husband makes $150k+ and I work as a cosmetologist in our small rural town. He has insisted that our finances stay separate. He pays all household bills (his house) and I’m to pay groceries and anything for myself and my kids. Hid he does give me money, then it’s a loan to be paid back. Otherwise he has a calm demeanor and is a hard worker. Our conflict comes two fold: financially and sexually. He frequently tells me that I “owe him” for doing nice things for me or my girls. I either have to pay him back or preform oral sex ( blow jobs and rim jobs) on him. He says that I have many needs and that he only has that one need. We never have intercourse. I don’t even have to remove any clothing. He just takes his clothes off in the dark, layers back, and I have to satisfy him. There is very little touching or talking. When he’s done, I wash my mouth out and we go to bed. How is affection, spending time with someone or making sure your spouses needs are being taken care of, so many “things” to do for your wife that it would exclude her/me from the right to intimacy?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 January 2019):
 This isnt right. You are treated wrong. Both financially and sexually. I wish you good luck in changing your life situation. Why did you marry him?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2019): So five marriages between you and you still can't get it right?
About your finances. You should get some legal advice. If you didn't sign a prenuptial agreement; in all 50 states his, house is your house too! His finances are also yours. You're just too passive to put your foot-down. You need other people to tell you how to conduct a marriage. This guy surely saw you coming from a mile awhile, my dear.
There is no suggestion or advice to be given; if he can withhold sex from you, and make you service him. It all depends on what you're willing to allow. You can't force sex out of him. I don't care what anybody says.
You have a habit of marrying the wrong guy. Then you think you can come to an advice website and be told how to change him? He dictates to you what's what. You simply comply. So what can we tell you?
He has been married twice before! That's a warning-shot!
The description you give is of a narcissist. I guess you can count this as your second failed-marriage. You won't change him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2019): Basically he’s attempting to treat you like a prostitute . There is zero intimacy . In his eyes There is financial reward for you in exchange for his sexual pleasure . This is not a marriage or relationship for
You and there is nothing here to be gained that you couldn’t get by taking a second job . At least that way you wouldn’t have to be used as a sex toy and you would be free to pursue a relationship with a man who cares about your emotional and sexual happiness and not only his own
To be honest I would very seriously see a divorce lawyer . Your
Life
Is about so much
More than paying him with sexual favours for anlittle financial support. You deserve a real relationship with someone who loves and respects you
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2019): I am left totally saddened and speechless by your post.This isn't love, nor is it a normal/healthy relationship as you ask in your question.He is treating you as a sex worker, because he is financially better off than you. Where in the marriage vows does it say that you have to perform whatever sexual acts he wants, because he pays for more around the house? He is treating you as a live in prostitute, who gets no love, intimacy or respect from him.He owns the house and so will get any equity payable from it in the future I would expect, so any money he puts in to the house, is his investment. He pays for nothing for you or your children, other than allowing you to live in 'his ' home rent free. BUT you are his wife!! NOT a lodger! It is no longer just his house! If you ever decided to leave him, he would probably find out that you have a claim to part of it. If I were you I would feel extremely disrespected. You basically have to care for yourself and your children and meet your own emotional needs, as he completely ignores the fact that you may have sexual and emotional needs of your own and he doesn't seem to care. He sounds so far removed from being able to engage in a mutually satisfying (sexually and emotionally) relationship, that I suspect he is somewhere on the spectrum of Autism or Asperger's. I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but how he is behaving isn't normal, no. He doesn't sound abusive either, so that is why I have suggested that. You also ask how you can help? I don't know what you mean by that. Help him? That doesn't really sound possible. Help yourself? Well, if I were you, I don't think I would be able to stay in such a situation, but that is down to you, of course. I don't see any way in which you could change his attitude, I don't think he wants to change and he sounds very cold hearted, so I don't think he would make any efforts on your behalf. It sounds as if you meet his 'one need', (he has others such as wanting to keep finances separate), but that he is totally unprepared to meet any of your needs, other than the ones he fulfils simply by giving you somewhere to live, which is no skin off his nose. Is there any way you would/could move out? I don't see his attitude towards you getting any better. I don't see how he would ever become a warm hearted individual who cares about you.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (26 January 2019):
 This is straight up an intimacy problem. Financial intimacy, emotional intimacy, and sexual intimacy. He is afraid of them all.
You need to break the cycle. I'm unsure how to advise you safely. When a person fears intimacy. It is often loss of control they fear. Many of the suggestions I had. Would disrupt his control. He could panic.
I'm going to suggest that you ask for a specific amount of quality time every week. Experts recommend 15 hours. But it is OK to build up to that. No reward until he makes the weekly goal.
Quality time should be defined as time that fills your emotional needs.
FA
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 January 2019):
 I have to agree, you have been married before.. so my guess is you KNOW this isn't normal for a husband to treat his wife like she is some "glory hole in a public bathroom for blowjobs".
And the fact that he somehow thinks you OWE him sexual favors? WTF?
In a marriage sex should be this "transactional". It should be, you bought a handbag for my daughter, let me tally that up to 1 blowjob and 2 rim-jobs"!
NO WONDER he is on his 3rd marriage!! He obviously didn't LEARN from previous marriages how to have your wife as an EQUAL.
How was the relationship/sex BEFORE you two married?
And how are you treated (at least when it comes to intimacy and sex) like anything more than a blow up doll?
Are you really content with this marriage? Are you fulfilled? Emotionally? Sexually?
I can understand that he isn't quite willing to share finances. Probably because he has seen what THAT got him in previous marriages. So financially, it's "SAFER" for him to NOT share finances with you.
I get that he puts a roof over you head but what else DO you get out of this marriage?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (26 January 2019):
 You have had other relationships and even been married before, yet you ask if this is "normal"? Really? On what planet?
No, it is NOT "normal" and certainly not good or healthy. However, whether you choose to put up with it is entirely your call. If you think this is how you want to carry on living, then that is your prerogative.
For whatever reason, he has problems with intimacy with you. Perhaps he has problems with ALL women, in which case it is no surprise he is on his 3rd marriage. Perhaps he has "other" sexual preferences but marries for convenience and show. We can only make wild guesses. Only he knows the answer and, honestly, it is probably not important. What IS important is how much longer you want to feel like you are prostituting yourself for the material things you have in your life. Your call.
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