A
male
age
36-40,
*eserve58
writes:She said "If I got an engagement ring I didn't like,or was to small I would return it and buy something I really liked." Part of me laughs at this the other part is scared out of my mind. Who would say something like that, I thought engagment was about love not a piece of metal. Any thoughts???? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, xanthic +, writes (31 January 2011):
 In reply to your response, nothing 'happened'. Everyone is materialistic to some extent, it's just human nature. Jewelry in particular isn't exactly a new concept, it's been around in one form or another for as long as we have. Everyone expresses this differently, your girlfriend just happens to place more importance on material things than you do. I'm not saying she's right to, but I doubt much can change that because it has a lot to do with how people were raised. Is she like this with everything or is it just this one thing? Do her other qualities outweigh this? In general, I think you're overanalyzing a bit.
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (30 January 2011):
 hi
i think in the old days it was acceptable for a man to pick the ring and present it to his girlfriend when he proposed (and this still happens to this day) but now when there is so much more choice (and consumerism!), it is good if you both pick it together.
she (hopefully) will be wearing that ring everyday for the rest of her life so it has to be something she thinks is beautiful. she sounds like she knows what she wants, you sound scared of choosing in case its wrong, so my advice is: go ring shopping together
xx
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (30 January 2011):
 It is good that you are asking the important questions.
If a girl truly loves you then something simple, bought with love, will suffice.
If she is more interested in impressing her friends then you are correct, just any old metal may not suffice.
And when a gal is in love one hour will feel like a minute.
But when a girl is not in love appearances may be more important than the relationship. And a minute may feel like 10 hours of misery.
And the other spanner in the works is, perhaps, the age we live in. The ever present marketing, the information that is out there. It makes it difficult to
present any ol' piece of metal. As girls are so well informed. And want evidence that they are special to the guy.
Any hint that the guy is stingey, even though money is not the issue, is likely to concern a girl that she will be spending the rest of her life with Mr Scrooge.
Most men in love enjoy providing the very best for the woman they truly love.
I think choosing the ring together will be the best option in the circumstances. If you do go ahead with the engagement. Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, Reserve58 +, writes (30 January 2011):
Reserve58 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou all bring up good points, but what happened to true love where ring size or shape means nothing. To clarify more, it was not really money issue, but more of what I pick. I just dont get it, to me love means more then anything, so symbolizing it with a piece of metal should be the least of her worries.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): I agree with Odds on this one.
I think engagment is just a formalized way for women to announce "they are going to get married" to all their friends and family...all without the unglamorous work of a real marriage.
The issue is that the ring is not "for her", it's to show everyone she knows that she is "engaged." That's why she is that picky about it, even at the expense of your feelings.
I don't have anything against marriage, but I think engagement is pointless. Making a promise to make a promise down the road is absurd.
Her reaction is not all that unusual, but if her materialism and shallowness turn you off, then I would definitely rethink the engagement as well as the wedding.
This is most likely just a taste of things to come.
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A
female
reader, anonymous105 +, writes (29 January 2011):
I think she's just being selfish. My boyfriend could propose to me with a huge diamond or a 50 cent ring, it wouldn't make a difference to me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): The bit that worries me is if the ring is small she would return it, having a cut for the stone you like is one thing but it not being big enough is a different thing all together. Are you sure you are both ready for this commitment?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): Yep Warning bells!!!!! Respond in humour...why not get her to design it...say she can have the most glitzy biggest ring she wants...then take her to a tatoo artist.Of course she wants a ring to treasure, but it could be out of a cracker jack box. It is the love of how it was given that should be enough....fear should never enter this area....wait until the wedding bells loom.......get worried.spunky monkey
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (29 January 2011):
The best thing to do is to go an buy the ring with her. Just make sure you don't go into debt for it. That way there can be no complaints and you're not compromising on your future.
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A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (29 January 2011):
It sounds like she said this in a joking way, but there's always a little bit of truth to the things people say in this manner and it seems deep down, she cares more about the materialism and show of an engagement than the meaning behind it. That doesn't mean she doesn't care about you, but the size of the ring shouldn't matter at all (unless she's talking about her ring size, of course!).
Although I do think she have a ring she genuinely likes, that's speaking solely about personal taste, not the amount spent or the size of the diamond. My suggestion is to go shopping for a ring together and reach a compromise, she can pick out the style and leave the rest to you.
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A
female
reader, FluffyPie +, writes (29 January 2011):
 My guess is that she's been educated to cherish the material part of the life more than the spiritual one. Her family is probably judging people according to the way they dress (for example) and they educated her to do the same, so you could say you got different standards. Just tell her that love doesn't need a fancy shinny ring, that the gesture behind it is what really matters. But beware, you already know what you're getting into: she's gonna be very hard to please and, in time, she'll feel frustrated and she'll take it on you. Best wishes!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (29 January 2011):
 That's not a very smart girl, I think if you are considering making her 'the one' you need to discuss what's more important, busting your gut and probably going into debt for a ring, or busting your gut and getting the money together to get the foundation to build a long life together. Try talking to her, ask her what is more important, saving for a deposit on a house or a flashy ring.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (29 January 2011):
 This girl wants to get married, not be married. She wants a big party. This is one of the bigger warning signs out there - I'd bet good money that she'll turn into a serious bridezilla. Double or nothing she falls out of love and initiates a divorce in five years.
If her concern is that she has to wear it every day for the rest of her life - then she is more concerned about showing it off to her girl friends than to you. Or, she will actually feel disappointment at the symbol of your commitment when she sees it. Or, she thinks the engagement is about her, not about the two of you, and wants an excuse to indulge herself in fantasyland. Neither is acceptable. The sentimental value ought to be enough.
Engagement rings are not about love - they are actually a relatively new tradition, the result of a very effective marketing campaign. They are about the DeBeers company and the appeal of vanity.
Get her one that looks nice, by all means (if you must marry at all). They make artificial diamonds (not CZ, actual diamond) now which are just as beautiful as the real thing (if not more so) for a fraction of the cost - a good way to see if she cares about its appearance, or its cost (and whether or not the "has to wear it" argument is true, or the "show off to friends" argument is).
If she's unhappy with a ring, point out that the closest historical parallel is the ancient celtic tradition of grass anklets and bracelets for the new bride, and see if she'd prefer those. Or don't get her one, and avoid this nonsense.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 January 2011):
I do agree that a girl talking in the way you related - threatening to return the ring etc- represents a fairly callous and unladylike reation. Maybe even a girl who is in love with any guy. But is interested in the idea of marriage, where the idea of being marrried (to any willing guy)s
appeals to her more. Thus until she understands the true nature of true love and what marriage is really about, and thus should wait until she is more mature.
But such an important purchase should never get so ugly. Nor associated with 'me, ,my, I ' talk.
The ring and the engagement should be a discussed equal decision, reflecting an intention to have a shared equitable relationship. Take time to discuss it calmy over time. Even before attending the jewellers the couple should discuss budget, so there is no disagreement in a public arena. The girl may love diamonds, but find that at the jewellers a saphhire/ruby/diamond or other appeals better.
i find it unappealing if the guy just buys one and presents it to the girl.
If a guy were intending to buy himself a car, but the girl went out and purchase any old car that she thought was cute, for him? (roll of eyes)
Exactly! The guy would be horrified.
I even know of a couple where the guy told her the budget' gave her the money, and as a result the girl and her Mom chose the ring. I don't that's especially romantic. But for that couple it suited them perfectly. And her Mom sure knows diamonds. Cut, carat, clarity, inclusions,etc, she's an expert.
My husbands (2 - my first husband died young) and I, on each occasion, chose the ring together.
I also know a couple where a great Aunt left her ring to her nephew for use as his fiance's engagement ring. The girl had admired the ring when the Great Aunt was alive. And it was a beautiful gesture and luckily it was a perfect fit and his fiance loves it.
So different solutions fit different situations.
But the decision making should be equitable, shared and openly discussed, as adults can co-operatively discuss adult issues.
If two people, intending to marry, cannot discuss the ring openly, like adults, then what hope is there for the marriage?
Marriage is an equitable and happy sharing of two minds and a commitment to work through every issue, without rancor, without bitterness.
It is not always like that, but it should be.
If a guy does not have a lot of money then buy a ring that can later be a support to a more lavish eternity ring when the couple can afford more.
An engagement ring is a very romantic gesture.
But remember the girl will (hopefully) wear the ring every day for the rest of her life. So she has to like the ring and feel good about it.
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A
female
reader, sweetsoutherngal +, writes (29 January 2011):
i understand your reaction, but here are three good reasons a girl would say something like that.
1) at the end of the day, she has to wear that ring everyday for the rest of her life.
2)she knows even her best friends will judge you, her, and yalls relationship if the ring is small or ugly. its not something we girls ever talk about but it definetly happens.
3) we girls have been what i like to call "disneyfied" aka we have this desire to feel like princess, and the only time that we can ever justify this feeling is for our wedding, so having a beautiful ring will satify a need in her to feel extra special.
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (29 January 2011):
 If that's the case with her, have you considered picking out the ring together? So she'll be able to get something she likes?
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