A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in my mid 30's, I think I have a pretty face but I don't really have a good body (I've abused it in my 20's and I have the physical scars to prove it). My ex husband (with whom I was with for over 15 years) divorced me 5 years ago because he said he wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore. We had no children together because he wasn't ready but I still hope and dream of meeting a good man and having a family. Since my divorce, I have met many guys, some very nice but there was no chemistry at all (I felt like I was out with my brother and felt very undesirable because they they didn't try to move things forward) and I have also met guys who seemed nice at first but turned out to just be interested in playing with me or using me. My question is, should chemistry with a man play an important role or should I just look for less superficial qualities and be thankful when I find someone who likes me for me as a person? I feel like I keep picking unwisely and getting hurt and I will end up alone and won't find my true love..Thank you all for taking the time to advise me!
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female
reader, cupidus +, writes (4 May 2011):
 Sounds like your debating settling so you won't find yourself alone. Not a good place to be standing while looking for companionship. You'll need to leave behind the fear of being alone for the rest of your life. How, by accepting it.
Just say, I may be alone for the rest of my life and let that go through you with acceptance. Once that is elevated then you'll present yourself to the world with no issues no baggage. It will help you grow in peace and independence and soon you'll be attracting the men that are right for you.
It's like magic when we accept the now, it's the miracle for creating a promising future. As for chemistry, don't sweat it, I could put you in a room with 5000 guys and there may only be 5 that will have any chemical attraction to. Actually it's usually a bad sign, because it means that you feel their inner pain, (often mistaken for chemistry) and it may be a sexual feeling and nothing more.
Also the scars that you carry on your person internally and externally, we all do, carry them with pride of survival and also as your reminder of how far you've come and how far your past has past. You'll never have to relive the minute that just passed, so forward bound and full acceptance of your situation. Good wishes for your life's adventure.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): I think you've let movies and romance novels or something ruin your expectations OP. Firstly what is *your* definition of chemistry? Going weak at knees and twirling you hair like a schoolgirl and looking doe-eyed at the guy, what?Look OP at our age and experience level "chemistry" is mostly something that develops over time as we get to know the other person. OP you've been in a 15 year marriage, you know guys inside out by now. Nothing is going to be new and exciting for you initially. You have the burden of knowledge knowing what can go wrong and to be cautious emotionally from the start. Add to that the fact you're very closed off and insecure about your body, means that you have to give yourself time with a guy, you have get comfortable enough around him to let go of your inhibitions and that's when you'll know if there is chemistry or not.You've kind of gotten yourself into a bit of a vicious circle as I see it OP. The nice guys who respect you and don't try and move things too fast are dumped by you for not showing enough desire. Even though that is not a sign of lack of desire at all, they could just be respectful and/or being cautious. Then the guys who do move fast are dumped by you because you realized they were only using you. I think you're being very impatient and (forgive me) but perhaps a little desperate too. Because you want things to happen too soon. If a guy doesn't move fast, try and bed you immediately then you start to question his desire, the ones who do that and give you that feeling of desire only desire one thing. You need to get over what your ex said to you because it sounds to me like it's always in the back of your mind. You've made sexual desire for you the top of your list, if a guy is gnashing his teeth to drag you into the bedroom, you just don't feel the "chemistry", OP the only guys that do that are users and assholes. for a good guy, they will only do that once they're sure that's what you want, once they're sure that you have an emotional connection, once they're sure you actually are a nice person.Get over this idea that your body is not good enough for a guy, get over this idea that sexual desire = chemistry, it doesn't and you're just going to continue this cycle until you take a step back and take a risk with one of the nice respectful guys.Here are the only criteria you should have, you're attracted to him, he treats you nicely, you have fun spending time with him and you would like to see him another time. That's all for the start OP, leave it at that and see how things develop with the guy before you start questioning his desire. A lot of guys will take their time and try and prove to you they deserve you before they try and ravish you.Emotional desire, mental desire, the desire to spend to time with you are enough indication that a guy is attracted to you. Otherwise they wouldn't be going on a date with you OP. Don't let one guy who lost his desire for whatever reason ruin your chances with other guys.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): Hey sweetie, sorry to hear of what you have been through. I think both are important; finding someone who loves for you for you (and you, him) and someone that you have chemistry with. But, it does also depend how important sexual attraction is to you. Some people arent that bothered by it, like they are not bothered about having loads of sex. I think it is important to be with someone who is your equal. I am not a supermodel so I dont expect to attract Brad Pitt, do you get what I mean? I think if you can find someone who you are on a level with on afew levels that that is great. I had three painful relationships and was then single for two years. I dated some AWFUL men and had a few one night stands that I regret, oh well. Then I met a man who could be my soul mate just over a year ago. I'm 38. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 May 2011):
 Well firstly should I say that it was very selfish of your ex husband to say that to you, that must be one of the most hurtful things someone can say to a woman and its extremely disrespectful on his part. Anyway moving on. I guess sometimes chemistry can take time to develop, so maybe you should give the guy more time to see how it goes. It can take sometime to get to know a man and the chemistry might not come until you are dating the person for a few months. So I suggest any guy that comes along just take your time and take things slow and hopefully you will meet a man who you will fall for. Goodluck.
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