A
male
age
51-59,
*wo_outta_three
writes:Two years ago I feel head over heels in love with an employee of mine. I don't know how it happened, but it did. I have lived with her for 18 months. The passion is out of this world. I mean HOLY-SHIT-BLOW-THE-ROOF-OFF-THE-HOUSE-WOW! I've never experienced anything like it. We can be into each other all-night-long and still want more… My connection with her is beyond my wildest dreams.But things are changing... She once loved me for owning my own company and the financial freedom it gives us; now she is SURE my long hours at work are because I am with other women. She is even jealous of my kids -- once wishing for rain all week-end cause I was them and not her. She goes through my email, my phone, my mail. She forces me to explain every woman that contacts me… I keep telling her there are women in business too and I don’t sleep with them to get their business!And what about these moods? We can be having a GREAT time…. I mean fantastic time! Traveling, celebrating, loving life…. And suddenly…. BAM. tears. anger. yelling. And worst of all, if others are around, she makes it appear her sudden suffering is because of something I did. I often can’t even understand what happened. She makes me out to be such an ass that often strangers will intervene – once someone offered to pay her cab ride home to get away from me! She is so charismatic everyone believes her (except those that know us both really well – and they always believe me.).Everywhere we go and everything we do, she is always playing games with her sexuality (or she has many guys on the side, I can’t tell). She texts other guys all the time and hides her phone. We have even been in bars where other patrons hint she has been in there with other guys. Yet, she always has an excuse. She has a life long history with many, many men. Including 6 men at once with only her… She claims those “swinging” days are over and I am all she wants. I am unsure…Oh my lord... I love this woman... I've am throwing everything to the wind for her... I want her so bad... But I keep asking myself what is going on? I’ve never met anyone I connect so well with and is soooo passionate and warm one minute and so bat crazy the next.In an effort to understand, I surfed the net and found BPD. Wiki says there are 9 symptoms of BPD and she has at least 7 of them. I don’t really know anything about unstable personalities as my life has always been – as a friend put kindly – kinda beige. How does one live with such volatility? Should I try to live with such volatility?
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male
reader, two_outta_three +, writes (1 May 2012):
two_outta_three is verified as being by the original poster of the questionya'all are saying what I was thinking... Albeit, I don't see the lack of self esteem from me (I suspect I am OVER confident, not lacking....). I think maybe I've always led a sheltered life, so kept believing things will stabilize and they didn't. Thanks for all your great responses....
On to the next relationship!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): Well if you've never had any experience with anyone having any sort of mental illness, then I have to say you are in over your head.
Just realize one thing. She will not change. No matter what words she says or emotions she express, she will not change because that's the nature of her personality disorder. She's incapable of changing on her own without psychiatric medication and intensive ongoing (maybe lifelong) therapy from a mental health professional.
So if you want to live with this, you're just going to have to forfeit your trust, self-esteem, sense of security, sense of emotional safety, and sense of belonging. It's your call. You could be every bit as self-destructive as she is just that you haven't encountered any trigger yet until her (if you're still with her after 2 years and still wanting to stay with her) so maybe you are headed toward losing your mental health as well but since you're still wanting to stay like this it's your call.
I'm guessing you have low self esteem since you say your life up until before her was "kinda beige" as if that's a bad thing and this is better, and you are so enamored with her passion (when she happens to be in that part of the cycle) it gives you a huge ego boost. Someone with a healthy self esteem would be literally unable to feel passion for someone who just recently cut them down, ridiculed or mocked them, or betrayed their trust. And certainly if that person has done it more than once to the point where you find it predictable. But someone who experiences being treated this way and STILL manages to feel lust and passion for that same person who has been abusing them, has no sense of self preservation i.e. no self esteem and value your dignity so little that you would readily trade it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): How does one live with a partner with untreated (and even treated) BPD? Very miserably and maybe with the help of anti-depressant medication for YOURSELF, that's how!
Make no mistake - you can live with a BPD family member more tolerably if they are anything but your partner. If they are your child, your parent, your sibling...because those relationships do not require as much from you, are not exclusive in their nature, and don't give the other person so much access to you, or carry as many obligations. But if it's your intimate partner of all people who has BPD...you will probably eventually have a breakdown, or fall out of love, or both.
Should you try to live with such volatility? No one can tell you what you should and shouldn't do. If you want to, go ahead. When more time has passed and you've undergone her histrionic abusive cycles for the billionth time and have your emotions and thoughts yanked around for the billionth time you will probably not be asking this question anymore. But until you have reached that stage mentally you should do what you feel is the right thing for you to do. Maybe you haven't suffered enough for long enough yet that leaving her now will cause nagging doubts later on and you will think it could have got better if only you had waited longer. But if you stick it out, then eventually when you have your mental breakdown or grow to hate her the decision will be much clearer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): I think you have already answered your question. She is what many like to call your "bad habit". You know deep down that she isn't good for you, yet you stick with her because of i.e. sex, emotional attachment..etc...etc.I would strongly suggest that you separate from this woman. It's pretty clear that she has severe emotional/mental problems that have already caused a great deal of problems on your "relationship". Jealous of your kids....? Being manipulative (even in the presence of family and friends)? INITIATING contact with other men? Stepping her boundaries by checking your email, phone, mail..?How many signs do you need man? For both your sakes, end the relationship. Perhaps this could be a wakeup call for her to get help...and you to move on and find someone who truly appreciates and RESPECTS you. Maybe after she gets the treatment she needs....(maybe) you two can see if there is something for the both of you in the future. But for right now... this lady sounds nothing more than toxic.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 May 2012):
 I believe the "street" term which applies to this woman is "drama queen."
SHE imposes HER drama upon you... YOU are so stirred up in the sexual WOW that you and she share (when things ARE OK)... than you throw your sense to the wind....
It will only stop when one of two things happen:
1. You part from her now, and save your company, or,
2. You choose to stick with her (and ENDURE her drama) until your company is in distress.... and then you part ways with her.... AND with the company that you worked so hard to start and build.
Most of us would choose No 1.... Your choice?
Good luck...
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