A
female
age
,
*mma130
writes:Four years ago I was very unhappy in my marriage and got involved with a man who was also in a relationship. This went on for 3 years and although we never talked about our feelings for one another it was obvious that there were very strong feelings on both sides.Eventually last year I made the decision to leave my husband - not for this other man but simply because I knew that I could not continue to be in a marriage where I was not happy for the rest of my life. We had been together 25 years and have grown up children and had just grown apart over the years. We are now separated but remain good friends and are probably much happier this way.Around the same time my lover told me that he could not continue our affair as he owed it to himself and his partner to see if they could rebuild their relationship and get back what they had in the first place. At this time he did not know I was leaving my husband so it was not a reaction to that but the fact that he was genuinely torn apart by the guilt he felt. He told me he really cared for me but that he could not focus on trying to make things work with her if he was thinking about me all the time. Their issues were primarily about sex and her lack of interest but he felt that if he could work at their relationship and make her happy maybe this would improve too.We have also managed to stay friends and although we do not discuss his relationship with his partner I can tell from the odd comments he makes that things are still not right between them. He has been hurt in other relationships in the past and has said that he could not go through another break up. He has also told me that I am much braver than he is for leaving my husband.I have loved this man almost since the start of our affair and long for us to be together but know I cannot try to persuade him to leave her - if it is to happen it must be his decision. The feelings I have for him stop me being interested in anyone else yet I know I cannot spend the rest of my life hoping he will realise that he does want to be with me and what we could have together.I know that people may not believe this but for both of us having an affair was not an easy thing. Neither of us had ever cheated before and I know the guilt was almost too much for both of us. We probably only got involved in the first place because we already had a close friendship and both had issues in our relationships. I dont think either of us intended to fall for one another but unfortunately this is what seemed to happen.My question now is how do I get over him? He still calls me, texts me and meets me regularly and has been very clear that he wants this to continue on a friendship basis. However, it tears me apart having to keep our relationship on this level when I love him. I have never told him how I feel as would not want to influence him in any way but I know he still really cares too. Lately he has started being much more attentive, putting kisses on text messages more frequently (and more kisses) and flirting just every so slightly. A couple of times he has given me a hug where he has not wanted to let go and when he looks at me I can still see his feelings in his eyes.He still wants to know what is going on in my life and whether I have met anyone etc so I really don't know what to think. He has not suggested anything more but I know he would not come back to me unless he had decided that he wanted something more permanent as he has said before he knows he has no right to ever come back to me if his other relationship doesn't work out and that it would not be fair to me.Can anyone tell what is going on in his head and do the things I am noticing mean anything? Does he really love his partner or is he just staying with her because he feels obligated to her and it is convenient? Do you think he will ever admit his true feelings or be brave enough to do anything about it or am I just kidding myself because it is what I want so much?ThanksEmma
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reader, Emma130 +, writes (6 August 2010):
Emma130 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSince I posted this question a couple of months ago things are still pretty much the same. I still see this guy regularly and he still shows me affection and caring but has not suggested anything more.
We were recently both invited to a party and I met his partner for the first time who seemed nice enough. I also went along with a male friend and the next time I saw my friend he wanted to know about this guy. He said he was happy if I had found someone else but I am not sure if he really meant this. He had clearly been talking to other people about him as he knew what he did for a job etc so it seemed strange that he would have bothered to try & find out stuff if he were not jealous. He also asked me if 'he was the one' so he was obviously quite interested in how I felt. However, if he was genuinely happy for me does it mean I have just been deluding myself about him still having feelings for me or is he just trying to hide how he really feels?
I wish I could get over him but I love him so much its impossible. I also dont feel I can cut off our friendship as I would rather have this with him than nothing.
Any thoughts please?
A
female
reader, heaven=  +, writes (1 June 2010):
ithink that he proapbly feels obligated,you should proapbly be the strong one and tell him straight up and bluntly how you feel,maybe then things between you guys could be more clearer and work better-GOODLUCK
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