| A
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: What do I do in this situation? I have been with my boyfriend off and on for about 5 years. The reason for that is because right after we got engaged at the very beginning, he changed. He got scared of committment. He went on a 2 month vacation, etc. Naturally, I became resentful about it. He also became mean, nothing I did was ever enough, so I moved out and broke up with him. Anyway, we don't live together now, and we are engaged, and he is 5 states away, but he visits once in a while (like every 6 months, which is nothing). He says the reason he doesn't want to get married yet (even though he constantly says he wants me to be his wife and bear his children) is because I am not nice to him. I am nice enough, and explain that I would probably be a hundred times nicer if he would have been nicer at the beginning and followed through on his plans to marry me. It's a vicious cycle, and I know it's because of his committment issues. He's also afraid we will get divorced. Then, why is he with me? He keeps saying one day I will realize how much he loves me, but he's not showing it! Even if I am super super nice to him and a pushover (like I was at the beginning), he still didn't marry me then so why would he now? I am not a pushover anymore, and definately stand up for myself. I'm just wondering how a couple gets out of this vicious cycle? Is my only option breaking up with him again for the 4th time? If I'm nice to him he is not necessarily nice to me, but if he is nice to me I am very nice to him. But if he keeps dragging this marriage talk out, I resent him, and he wonders why I resent him like it's not obvious. I need help!
View related questions:
broke up, divorce, engaged, moved out Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (8 February 2011):
 If it is this bad now...before you get married...then get married and see how bad it can really get.Life has already given you the warning signs you need. Sad part is, you could have been married to the right guy by now, and probably pregnant if you had accepted the warnings and moved on. Bad things happen for good reasons. Think 5 more years down the road...what does that look like to you??
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): Getting married will never make this relationship any better at all. If anything, it will make it worse. You'll have more expectations that won't be met, as with him and the vicious cycle of splitting up and getting back together starts all over again and that is NOT a good environment to bring children up in. After five years of 'trying' and it still isn't working...........it NEVER WILL. People who are right for each other should bring out the BEST in one another. They support each other in things they each want to pursue if it's not harmful, physically or mentally. They show affection on a daily basis and use kind words and praise to one another. In general, the household runs smoothly with a happy environment the MAJORITY of the time. I'm not saying every relationship doesn't have problems and arguments, because they do. Even in disagreements there shouldn't be hurtful words exchanged unrelated to the disagreement itself. That's not love. That's hurtful, spiteful, unhealthy behaviour that doesn't make a loving and lasting relationship. You need to cut ties and concentrate on YOU. Do something that you've always wanted to do. Maybe a course that you never pursued, lose some weight, do some travelling. Whatever the case may be, you need to concentrate on something other than when the next time it's going to be when you get back together with this guy. If that 'something' to take your mind off things is directed to benefitting you, you can't really go wrong. Build your self worth and self confidence and things will fall into place for you when you're not even thinking about it and you will look back and wonder why you wasted 5 years of your life and were so blind in thinking that that's what life's meant to be like. The answer to that question..........the experiences over the last five years happened for you to learn to be a better person by having the ability to learn from mistakes and have control of your own destiny and happiness. If you don't...........you won't ever grow and have control of your own happiness. You will just be someone who settles for whatever is thrown your way. Good Luck
...............................
|
