A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How would you go about working out what you want in a partner? I thought I knew, but last night I was talking to my brother about it and some things he asked me made me realise I have no clue. Until the end of last year I'd been quite settled with my partner of 3 years - he wanted to marry me and I was ignoring the part of me that knew this was wrong for us both. Now I realise that in all my relationships, I've never felt that it would last or that we were right for each other. Since breaking up with my ex I've dated someone else. This went ok until he started developing feelings for me and seeing us as possibly long term. I then started to feel trapped and less attracted to him. Since then he has backed off and my attraction for him is back up again and the things I'd started to worry about as problems with us being together don't worry me anymore. So does it sound like I just haven't found what I want in a partner yet, or am I too picky when it comes to commitment?
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female
reader, AngellicaWaters  +, writes (20 July 2009):
 You are definitely not being too picky. Compatibility is what relationships should be built upon. In order to know what qualities a love match should have, you should look at yourself first.
Someone you are compatible with would be like you, have similar interests and have enough differences to make things balanced and exciting, but not annoying or unsettling.
No one can tell you what particular things to look for. Usually it's a bit like school, you take subjects that interest you and if they don't fit, you don't take them again, but if a part of them fits, you look for a new subject containing the part that fits. The same goes for dating.
Date casually and don't get serious. Learn how to really get to know what someone is about quickly and then take what you learn and start mentally building the person you want to be with quality by quality (write them down so you can keep them in mind if you have to). The person that you finally meet that is your love match will not match everything, but should match all of the really important things.
Compatibility should always come first, then chemistry/passion. You can have passion with someone you are not compatible with, but that doesn't mean the relationship will last.
Hope this helps! :-)
A
female
reader, busy04 +, writes (20 July 2009):
 From everything you wrote it is not your partners you need to be concerned about. you are the problem! You need to work on your own self, I don't think you're too picky for commitment, I think you're not ready to commit! Fix yourself up first sweetheart!
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