A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How do you treat someone who is suffering with depression? My lover wont see a doctor... but it has affected our relationship. I hardly see him now... he says he cant face anyone and that he's no company... this has been going on for months. What can I do? He wont see me. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (14 February 2011):
 If you can't cope and need to give up, then that's what you have to do. Your not able to deal with his sickness and nobody can blame you for walking away. You need to look after your own health and sanity.
Be gentle when you tell him. If you can contact any of his family and friends to check on him then that would be great.
Again, patience doesn't heal sickness. People with depression are unable to act the way you want them to. He would get help if he was able. You can understand why somebody with two broken legs can't get to the doctor, but you can't understand why a man with a broken head won't go for help.
It's understandable, that's the nature of depression, if you can't understand then the relationship can't continue.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): Thank you for all your advice, the trouble is I cant hold his hand etc because he wont meet me.I cannot get to see him, to be honest, iv had enough, iv been very patient,he has been like this for months now but wont seek professional help, so I give up!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): Find out root cause of his depression, than talk about it, how he feels about it, erase those things from his mind. For example, if he is feeling cheated by you(i'm,sorry but if
any), be open about it and tell the truth and if you really have done any mistake ask sorry for it and give confidence of never do it again
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011):
You said "lover", which makes it very hard to gauge what your relationship to this man is. Are you his actual girlfriend/partner? This will make a difference to what you should be doing!
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (14 February 2011):
I've been in your situation. it's tough because on the one hand you can't fix someone, they have to seek help for themselves. Yet you want to be there for them and support them, so how do you do that?
make time to be with your partner, be patient and understanding, but don't let your entire life and world revolve around him and his issues. Still have your own life, and still spend time cultivating other healthy relationships with family and friends, so you don't get dragged down with him. because if you get dragged down too, then you're of no help to either him or yourself.
Sometimes with people with depression, you may have to make the doctor's appointment for them and drag them to it because a person who is really depressed can literally be incapable of doing anything proactive and it's not their fault (at this point). Also many men have a stigma about depression, thinking it's weak or unmanly to admit they have depression and to seek professional help. Try to explain to him that this is not the case, give him internet articles or books on depression so he has resources at his disposal if he so chooses to use them. encourage him to use those resources. sometimes it takes a long time before someone can be convinced that they have a problem and that they can't handle it on their own.
But if a long time passes where his depression is having a very negative impact on his life and yours, and still he is adamant in refusing to get help, then you may need the tough love approach of leaving him until he gets the help he needs then you can return to the relationship. Some times people use their partners as crutches to avoid dealing with their own issues. There's a line between being a supportive and patient partner (which is helpful), and being a crutch (which is not helpful). And some times some people need to hit rock bottom before they will realize they need to help themselves.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (14 February 2011):
Find out everything you can about depression. Here are some websites to start.http://depression.about.com/cs/basicfacts/ht/Help_Depressed.htmhttp://depression.about.com/cs/basicfacts/a/howtohelp.htmhttp://www.healthyplace.com/depression/living-with-depression/if-you-know-someone-whos-depressed/menu-id-1343/http://www.depressionalliance.org/help-and-information/friends-and-family.phpYes he can go to work. At work you can wear a mask, not talk about anything personal, go into auto-pilot and do what you normally do in a mechanical way. Nobody notices. Same when you go to work without sleep or wrecked by drugs or alcohol. Nobody notices your feeling like crap as long as you get the job done.Very different to trying to function in an intimate setting with a girlfriend who expects you to talk nicely and stop crying. Often depressed people are very low on energy, they can just about manage work and they crash and sleep or drink/take drugs when they get home. He doesn't have the strength to deal with your worry, kind advice, or you distress at the moment.Many people find it hard to go doctors. They don't have the strength, they don't realise how bad the depression is, they are scared they will have to go counselling which will bring up buried memories.... They think if they are working, then they are alright and they don't deserve to take up a doctors time.Sigh... send loving notes, just talk about nonsense like birds, the colour of the wallpaper, how sexy he looks in the morning. The more undemanding you are, the easier he will find it to be around you.Don't keep asking him to go and get help. That's nagging and just adds to his sense of failure. See if you can get him to go out walking with you, that helps. So does swimming. Turn up at his house with a nice soft tune, like jazz. Say your bored, turn of the lights and just sit down and hold his hand. The less noise the better.It's very hard for you, so keep yourself happy and well. Show concern and try to help him get to the doctor without seeming to nag. Try to be there for him, but leave him alone when he asks. Also try to push sometimes and go visit when he doesn't expect you.You can see how hard it is, but not as hard as the torture in his mind and the terrible thoughts he is having. Read as much as you can to understand this medical condition that destroys lives all across the world.He's not doing this to hurt you, he is ill and suffering and he's doing the best he can to survive.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): We argued today by email...I wanted to see him because I hadn't seen him in months, but he said he couldn't face anyone. He works so he's not lying in bed all day. Why won't he just see me? How can I support him otherwise?
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female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (13 February 2011):
 I know from my own experience, that when I am depressed...I don't want to do anything. I'm not good company for myself, let alone other people!
There is nothing you can do for him, if he's not willing to get the help necessary. He has to get to the point where he is willing to admit that it is affecting his life and that he needs help!
All you can do is be supportive, and understanding. It's not easy! So, good luck!
~BG~
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