A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How do you tell your boyfriend that you don't see him ever being the father you'd want your child or children to have and that's the real reason you don't want children?And where do you go from there? Stay but remain childless or have children but have to leave to do so?For starts, he already has 3 children. Second, I don't enjoy the way he acts around children or towards me when I'm around children. Don't get me wrong he's perfectly nice and friendly but he just seems awkward, as if he's not really sure what to do. But at the same time he also seems to have already decided I'm incompetent so hawk-watches me and mocks when I'm playing with family's children. I actually love children but I feel awkward having to try and tell him this, especially as he now seems to introduce me to people as 'This is Sally, she doesn't want children" rather that just "This is Sally, she's [my partner/from London/a store assistant] etc" like normal people do.The final straw was also the fact that he has said - "I think you'll change you're mind and want kids...and of course it would be unfair of me to say no"Who wants their partner to father their child just to make things fair?? That's not a life made from love and real want for a child.I am so miserable as I just don't know where I go from here.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (2 April 2012):
Tell him that the reason you don't want children is because of him. I mean, that is the TRUTH. It's also a very powerful indicator of how healthy your relationship actually is. To not want children is one thing. To want kids but not with your current partner, is something totally different. It's saying a lot about the state of your relationship and thus shouldn't be swept under the carpet.
To tell him the truth of why you don't want children because it will reveal a lot more than just how you feel about kids, but also how you feel about him as well. Then see what happens to your relationship. Maybe it will be an eye opener to him and he will change and become someone you would actually want to share kids with, and if so, that's great but you need to give him that opportunity to change by informing him of the current truths. Or maybe admitting the truth will be the unraveling of your relationship. either way, if it happens as a result of the truth being revealed, it's for the best.
there is no right answer as to whether it's better to keep your relationship intact but sacrifice having kids, or to have kids but sacrifice your relationship in order to do so. the answer is different for each person.
but I do know that you are making the right decision of NOT having kids with him right now, not when you are feeling this way about him. It's good that you're recognizing that you're at a crossroads and contemplating what to do next.
you can only make your decision based on what your reality is now. Right now do you want children badly enough that it trumps everything that's good in your relationship? If yes, then leave. If not, then don't. You don't know how you will feel in 10 years time. No one can know how they will feel about anything in 10 years time. Your relationship may dissolve on its own by then due to other factors. Or it may not. You may really want kids then and if so, then make the necessary changes in your life when the need arises. to make decisions now based on what may happen far out in the future, is, in my opinion, baseless. If it's important to you to keep your options open, then be honest with him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2012): Your not married so do not need to tell him, he has not asked you to have his baby.Your looking far ahead & know already he is not your future.If you loved him you would want his babies
You are on different courses in this life. Finish it for your own sake.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2012): You're not right for one another and obviously want different things. Yes, you may love him, but that doesn't mean he's right for you.
Cut your losses now - make a clean break. It's the only fair thing for both of you.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2012): I don't think you need to tell him that...he hasn't asked you to marry him or be the mother of his children and doesn't look like he will. Sounds to me like he already has more kids than he can handle and is not pushing you in any way to marry him and get pregnant.
If you want kids, why are you with him then? He doesn't want more and sounds like he's already understanding how it's not fair for you to stay with him. He's not offering to father your children so it would be really presumptuous on your part to tell him you don't want him to be!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (29 March 2012):
You won't love him in ten years time when you're missing children. You really won't.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut I love him.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (29 March 2012):
 If you're that miserable then there's no way you should stay with the man. You aren't being fair to yourself or him. If you can't see him as being a father to your possible future children, its time to leave. Its just a very unhealthy sign of the relationship not being right that you are having such feelings.
When I first started dating my now fiance 10 years ago, I made it clear that I already had 2 almost grown children and if he someday wanted to have his own child that he should date someone else because I was not going to have any more children. He was also 40 and had never had a child, but he didn't want children, so it was never an issue in our relationship. A little different situation than yours of course, but you can see what I mean.
You are cheating yourself the joy of having a child just because you don't feel comfortable with him being the father. Its not good sweetie...and someday if you stay with the guy you might really grow to resent him. Its better to end things and find a man who will make you happy and you'll look forward to having a child with him, not dread it or want to avoid it altogether.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (29 March 2012):
I think if you feel this way, then this man is not the right man for you at all. Perhaps you would be better off ending it. The last thing you want to do is waste time on a man you know isn't going to be the father of your children.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (29 March 2012):
It sounds to me, unfortunately, that you have enough reason to break up with your boyfriend. You're conflicted which I totally understand, but it sounds like you are open to the idea of having children, but just not with this guy. I feel that as you get older your desire to have children of your own will grow stronger, which your boyfriend also seems to think from his statement "I think you'll change you're mind and want kids".You feel uncomfortable around him in situations that you really shouldn't be feeling that way. He has 3 children, so I assume he sees them regularly. They're a part of his life. From what you describe, the way he makes you feel is a good indicator that the two of you are not a good match. You sense this, which is why you decided you don't want children WITH HIM. It's a small matter to take the next step, which I think you are beginning to see:"And where do you go from there? Stay but remain childless or have children but have to leave to do so?"I think you leave and look for someone who makes you feel good in ALL situations. Someone with whom you have great chemistry with. That guy is not your boyfriend. When you find the right man, you'll feel it, and at some point in the future you'll possibly want to have children and not have these nagging second thoughts about it.Best of luck!
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