A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Say you're already friends with him, or even it's someone you don't know so well - when you get to know someone better, what are signs to watch out for and signs someone is a genuinely decent person?The reason I'm asking this question is because of my family background; I was raised by physically abusive parents, whom I no longer have contact with but whom I'm worried have shaped my perception of what a healthy relationship is. I'm pretty good at making friends, but though I'm quite attractive and get my fair share of attention from guys I've never had a relationship despite having been at university for a few years, as I don't want to end up with someone who doesn't genuinely care about me. A lot of guys here obviously don't respect girls - even though they can be quite confident and charming, that makes them completely unattractive in my eyes.So how do you tell if a person is a decent person and would make a good boyfriend, too?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2013): As an agony aunt, I would not suggest you not listen to any other advice. However; I might think it would difficult to afford a private investigator to do a background check. I would also say that is a bit extreme for someone between the ages of 18-21. Perhaps if you were a bit older, and protecting a family fortune.
Follow your gut as best you can.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2013): With your special situation I would not hesitate to hire a private investigator and get the lowdown on the new man of your dreams. He will be able to find out just about everything about his past and present relationships . Based on his findings you wont be to far off on any feelings or predictions. If he is a legend in his own mind the investigator will find out. If he is a ego maniac who verbally abuses women and physically you will be told. There will be nothing that you wont know about him. I hate to say this but this is the only way you can find out if he hides any skeletons or white lies. I believe you have a right to protect your heart and future. This is the only way to do it. Don't listen to any other advice. You can do all this through third parties and no body would have to know that you were the person behind all these inquires. If this man is the man of your future and a keeper I am sorry to say this is the only way to do things. Think carefully and hard and make a decision which will bring you the least of heart ache and sorrow. Good-luck. Move forward..
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2013): In response to your question, you would always look for the best character traits in a person. There is no way of knowing if they actually possess them. That is discovered over time. You don't let yourself fall for him, until you know him well. That is the purpose of "dating." Too many people nowadays try to skip the in-person "get-to-know-you" phase by reading doctored profiles and using Skype. Online websites are fine for meeting people. However; those phony profiles are like a TV production or advertisement. You will only get the edited version of that person's personality. The air-brushed photo-shopped torso with eight-pack abs looks enticing to you ladies. Until the pot-bellied balding troll shows up. You actually have to go on a date. If you can make it to three dates with one guy, this dude is into you and there's something you like in him. If you don't make it to a fourth, you're not a failure. You're just ready for the next date. It takes trial and error. Enjoy yourself. You're young and pretty. Take your time.With each date, comes experience and exposure to different personality types. It helps when you know men don't come from a mold. We don't wear warning labels or come with instructions. However; there is a size and type to suit all tastes.You have to talk and spend some face-time with each other. Dating allows people to connect, and become accustomed to each other by getting acquainted through sharing time and space. You have to know what his personality quirks are.Don't always judge by a first date. Everyone gets nervous and may be a little awkward at first. If he shows up without his pants, skip it. If he brings his mother, pretend to go to the lady's room, and don't come back.Avoid mama's boys.You keep your first meeting light and comfortable, to allow the guy you're with to relax enough to let his real personality show. It's not a job interview; so if you keep it too rigid or formal, he will create a fake character that he feels you would approve of; not necessarily who he really is. Don't ask for a resume. You're dating, you're not going to hire him. If you learn how to date, you'll have a great social life, make great friends, and you meet great guys along the way. The right guy doesn't just walk up to your door; and they aren't delivered by mail order.The traits you want most in your age group is a guy who is outgoing and easy to talk to. He enjoys eye-contact and smiles in your direction. He has a lot of interests in common with your own. He doesn't lay a lot of heavy personal problems on you. This is a sign of a troubled person, and they may depress you; or be a little clingy for sympathy. He has to mention somewhere in conversation that he is looking for someone. He wants to be in a relationship.Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!He should show you respect as a girl. He should try to keep his language clean until he knows what you are comfortable with. He shouldn't attempt to put his hands on your body without permission; or bring up the subject of sex before you show how much you like him. It's good to know he has good friends. This means he is a likeable person and knows how to interact with people. He should show an effort to like your friends. Not be jealous of your other male friends, and know how to handle flirting from other girls when you're out together. Never let him know you're jealous if you catch him. Just take a mental note. If he turns his head and stares with you next to him, on to your next date. He can't focus on the girl he has, before looking for other prospects. That doesn't mean he has to put blinders on. If he is heterosexual; he will notice attractive women. He should just be discreet about how he checks them out when with you. Watch his eyes and if he seems too distracted by other girls. Then he's not that into you. Wish him luck and send him on his way. Delete his phone number and unfriend him from Facebook.Girls often gravitate toward the withdrawn sulking loner, with a chip on his shoulder, and anti-social behavior. Avoid these guys. They are controlling, often abusive, and if you decide to breakup; they can be very nasty.A relationship is a roller-coaster ride with this type. He's up one minute and down the next. You'll spend a lot of time apologizing for his behavior to your friends. They usually isolate you from having friends in order to control you. If you see things heading this way, find your way out fast!!! Block his phone number from your phone, immediately.Try to avoid guys into drugs and under-age drinking. They're a lot of fun, but they're also a lot of trouble. You'll probably end up entangled with the police. He'll drag you down into his world of traffic violations, arrests,and fist fights. Not relationship material unless you are looking for court dates and a jail record. They never have money for dates, and spend most of their time high. These guys are tools and better left alone. Unless you want to get pregnant and abandoned.A guy should show he can be gentle with you. Males aren't really as good at expressing their emotions openly as females, but he should openly let you know he cares for you. He should say it to you. He should like to hold your hand, and not be afraid to offer you hugs and kisses. Avoid clumsy and awkward guys who make a lot of excuses. They have to develop social skills and often have low self-esteem. You find yourself constantly trying to drag everything you need out of them. They have no natural instincts, because they never developed any. Their arrested development becomes a burden on a relationship; you'll begin to feel like you're their mother.Shy types are fine, as long as they open up to you and let you in. They have to share themselves with you so you know who they are. If they can't, don't waste time trying to crack their shell, they keep people out and they aren't much fun. Girls are drawn to them if they are really good- looking. That's because they come across as mysterious. Most of the time, the lights are on and there's nobody home.He should have the personality to match his looks, if you are looking for boyfriend material. You'll otherwise feel like you're dating your shadow. Always there, but never says a word. Don't worry. There's a girl for his type. It takes one who doesn't require a lot of interaction.He retreats inside himself like a scared turtle. If you get into an argument. You'll always win. He won't say a word. He'll hide and may not speak for hours, days, or weeks. You'll have to check around the house to make sure he's still home. He'll scare the hell out of you. Always appearing out of nowhere. So they may be okay for dating. Not relationship material for extroverted or chatty types of women. You know you've got a good prospect, when he tries to get in touch with you a lot. He actually can't wait to spend time with you. He wants you to meet his friends and family, and likes to show you off. He tries to find out things that you like, and do things you like to do. He tries to make you feel special. Like you are different from all the other girls he knows. He does everything he can to keep promises, but knows how to apologize when he hurts your feelings. Always search for this in a guy. Don't settle for less. Keep dating until you find him. At your age, he should have a job and/or going to college. He should have a plan and know what he's going to do with his life. That way, you know he is mature and you won't spend most of your time trying to figure him out. You don't need to listen to a lot of bragging and big "out of this world" plans you know are nothing more than talk. He should sound realistic in his goals. By that I mean, he doesn't claim he is going to be a millionaire; when he has never had a job.His behavior has to be consistent. Each time you go on a date or see him, he should have an upbeat attitude. He shouldn't bully you or push you around. He should know when to step aside and let you make decisions and listen to your opinions. Beware of guys who talk too much about sex, always sliding the subject into every conversation; whether appropriate or not. Maybe they're great sex partners; but lousy boyfriends. You'll spend most of your time competing with his habit for porn. He has sex on the brain, and you won't be enough. Read the posts from girls who have them.Know yourself. Have confidence as a woman. Share only small tidbits about your past as he earns your trust. Save the darkest aspects of your past until you are sure he cares enough about you, that he can hear them without judging you. If he seems to be moody or shows a quick temper, you don't need to be around a guy like that. He'll make you relive the worst moments of your abusive past. If a guy is quick-tempered, it won't be easy to hide. No matter how much you may think you like him, avoid this type. NO GOOD FOR YOU!Your heart will tell you when you have the right guy. He'll just fit and the chemistry will spark immediately. You should feel you can breath when he is around, not smothered. Don't mistake desperation for love. It often fools us and we can't tell the difference. Desperation will put up with anything, even if it kills you. Desperation will disguise itself as love; so you'll settle for people you know are totally incompatible. So while you're looking for someone to form a lasting relationship, be sure desperation doesn'tfool you.Guys showing too much affection and smothering you with too much attention when they hardly know you, are likely to be stalkers if rejected. They start out really sweet. Then drive you nuts. If you breakup with him, he'll whine and drunk text you at weird hours of the night. Girls are often fooled by these guys. They're pretty crafty. They come bearing gifts and place you on a pedestal. It's what's in his head you should be concerned about. Not what's in the pretty box.Serial killers don't make good boyfriends. They don't handle breakups very well. Avoid them.If you want something that will last, you have be willing to keep up the long and deliberate search for it. Dating should be fun and frequent. You find the type of guy you want for a boyfriend, by learning something from each personality you meet through dating. Don't be impatient. It takes time to find a guy you feel at ease with. Girls get desperate and start settling for the first guy who comes along, or go over-board searching for a perfect prince. You mentioned how they have no respect. That's because they haven't developed the interpersonal skills to be around women in social settings .Guys are human. We make mistakes, we piss you off, we forget things that are important to you, and we don't always say the right things at the right moment. However;if he shows a sincere and mature effort to avoid doing things that hurt you, and goes out of his way to do things that make you happy. That's a catch! Relationships require effort from two people to work. They don't survive on wishes and good intentions. They require compromise, patience, and trust. You have to be considered an equal, not his subordinate or possession. You should not try to change anyone to suit you; nor twist yourself into someone you're not to please someone else. It will not be perfect. He'll make mistakes and so will you. You have to practice forgiveness, and know when it's appropriate. Forgiveness does not require blood or self-sacrifice. It should be appreciated when given, and it is an important component in creating a good and loving relationship. Love is the glue that binds it all together.I know this was long. If you were my daughter, I'd want you to be well-armed and emotionally prepared for the dating world. Something that I'm sorry to know that you were denied, for the lack of having parents there to show you.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (27 May 2013):
 The short answer is "You never know" but hope springs eternal, that's the fun of dating. The question is also,"how do you know if the girl would make a good girlfriend or not? Therein lies the quest for finding a great match. Sometimes it all works out but it takes work and an open mind. Proceed with caution.
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