A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met a really nice divorced man a while ago and we started a relationship in which we were both happy, and even discussed marriage and children. However lately I have realised how much it actually costs to raise and school a child. (I don't have children) I own my home and my business and have a moderate income, my boyfriend owns no property and has a fluctuating income from commission and has to pay child support. I started thinkig that I should be cautious about getting involved with someone who is not financially stable and who will not be a good provider, but how can you tell a guy you won't go any further with him in a relationship because he's not well off? That would be really hurtful if anyone did it to me! Besides, lots of people start out ok but lose their jobs, so there's no guarantee. My biological clock is ticking and I don't have time to waste.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): Just tell him the truth: money means more to you than love. He has a right to know after all. My question to you is what will you do if the reverse happens. He starts to become established, you suddenly fall in love with him and say the vows, make lifelong commitment, and the poor guy loses his job, gets sick, or gets in an accident and can't work. Do you leave him? If that is the case, and you have any morals at all, you should make that clear to him now
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): Even though there are no guarantees, I don't think it's unreasonable to want both of you to be as financially stable as possible in order to start a family. Discuss all of this with him and see what he says.
He is already helping to support one child, and as you say to provide well and have stability will require more of both of you. Once you have a child, that will require much more attention than your business. It is the most important and the hardest job to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): Well, you could wait for someone who ticks all the boxes and you might just wait forever. If he is right for you, you'll deal with the money issues. Lots of things can be overcome if the will is there. So you might have to take the strain on the financial side, no big deal. The key is whether you want to be with him, everything else is of little importance unless he is a complete waster, which he doesn't sound as if he is.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (23 March 2011):
 I think you should just be honest with him but be careful about your choice of words. Saying "well off" makes you sound like a gold-digger, and that you wont committ to him unless he is rich. But the reality is that you need him to be financially stable (rather than rich) - and this is perfectly understandable.
Explain to him that you are really happy with him and are excited about the future - but you have some concerns over your joint financial situation and whether it will be enough to raise a child. Then simply say what you have said here - that it worries you that he is already paying child support, and his commission fluctuates, and you are wondering if there really is any future in this relationship.
Hopefully by talking to him about it you will get a better idea of where you stand and where this is going - and then you will be able to make your decision based on that. Choose your words carefully and you wont offend him - you are just having an adult conversation about the future. And maybe take on board a bit of what Cerberus has said - you dont need that much to raise a child, and if you have your own business and property then you are already in a good position to have children - consider you being the provider here because you are already well placed to do so. Of course he needs to contribute and 'provide' - but you can have a more equal relationship these days and contribute equally in terms of finances.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (23 March 2011):
 You raise a good point. The reasons you stated as for not wanting to marry him, just yet, are legit.
State those reasons by saying something to the extent of, "You are someone I want to have kids with. I want to get married, etc. (IF AND ONLY IF YOU WANT TO), but how can we actually support a family like this?
Light a flame under his butt and if you want, wait six months or whatever and then say yes to marriage, assuming he proposed, and then be married within a year so as to give him time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): Why does he have to be the provider? This isn't the 1920's you know, you're working, you earn a wage you can both provide.
You don't need to be rich to raise kids well and happy. As you said there is no guarantee that any job is for life anyway. Look people look at stats and financial figures for raising kids and think that it's gospel but it's not. You're not buying a car here, you just can't quantify how much a kid is going to cost based on the average quoted by some people.
It's good that you're considering costs and want to provide a good life for your potential children but raising a child isn't like buying a car, you can't just put a figure on it or make conditions in order to have one or you may never have one. If you're happy with this guy and you think he'd make a good father based on how he is with the child/children he has, then finances are of secondary importance. Unless of course you're the kind of person that puts money above all else.
Financial stability is a luxury these days, honestly we don't live in a world of guarantees, financial stability is more of a bonus these days and it's never stopped people having kids anyway and raising them well. If you're going to worry about money and trying to preempt the cost of raising a child like some kind of 18 year investment scheme then you're missing the point.
I grew up below the poverty line, reusing tea bags more than once, wearing the same school uniform 3 years in a row just mending the holes, while my mother was in and out of jobs. I had a great childhood. I never went hungry, always had a roof over my head and always had hobbies and toys and stuff. The most important thing for a kid is to have at least one good parent, food, clothes and a roof over their head that's it. If you put a price on happiness then you miss the point, I was just as happy using a stick as a toy gun as those kids these days who have iphones and laptops.
As long as the basics are taken care of and you love your kid they're actually far cheaper to raise than those quoted figures. Money does not equal happiness and while it would be nice to be financially stable first in today's world there is no guarantee of that.
Saying all that, if this issue is a precondition that you just have to satisfy then go find a rich man somewhere.
I will say this though OP, I find it a little strange for a woman that owns her own home, her own business and is perfectly capable of providing for her own family on her own if she needed to, needs a man as a provider. You sound like quite a successful, independent woman one that already has all the tools and possessions to both provide a healthy and happy life for a child, but also the necessary stability yourself, to do it alone if needed be.
In answer to your question, how do you tell him you want to end the relationship because you need to find a guy with more financial stability than him? There's no easy way to tell him that because you're financially stable, have your own home etc. You're already in a position to raise a child well. The only thing you can do is be straight with him but please change the language and tone you use. Because frankly OP saying it this way "but how can you tell a guy you won't go any further with him in a relationship because he's not well off?" makes you sound like a money grabber.
Honestly, emotional, mental and romantic stability are more important than money for raising a child.
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A
female
reader, Amdz +, writes (23 March 2011):
 I think you are absolutely right when you say there is "no guarantee!" You can marry someone who has all the money in the world, and the day after your wedding, he could go completely bankrupt. If you truly love someone, and you have kids with them, you would do everything in the world to provide for your family. Hold 3 jobs if you had to...But if there is no love, you would not go that far, and find your family worthwhile to put in all of that extra work. So, if this guy is not someone you would go the extra mile for, he won't be that someone rich or poor!
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