A
male
age
41-50,
*randerplank
writes:Hi I've been dating this girl for about 3 months now. She has consistently told me she wants to wait for sex. The first time I attempted was very early on, about the third date, when she told me she wants to wait at least another month or two. I get to the point of getting her naked only with her panties on when she resists me every time. I've fingered her though. Recently she resisted me again, where I rolled over. She asked whats wrong and I told here that I didnt think it would work between us, because physical connection is important to me. I feel like an utter jerk for telling her such a truth. The atmosphere was completely quiet between us from that point on and I just walked her to her car. How does one spot girls like this and prevent having to wait so long. She only had sex with one guy before and that was a 3 year relationship. And did I convey my thoughts in the right way to her (i.e. ending the relationship), without coming over as a sexpest? Thanks Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Branderplank +, writes (8 June 2009):
Branderplank is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe recently told me that she has been thinking about doing it for a while now, yet she has been told ever since she was little that the sex act is a bad thing. She didn't like it at all with her previous boyfriend and that she is scared that the same will happen now. I've told her that we don't have any goals, only to get closer. Currently I am making her used to closeness through manual stimulation. Relaxation seems to be key in getting her to accept what we are doing
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (3 June 2009):
 So the first time you told her that physical connection is important to you is when you broke up with her? Look, you may be a very physical guy who does need to express affection sexually. But in order to have a healthy relationship with another person, I think you may need to do some communicating, in advance, and NOT in bed. I know the broad stereotype is that men don't like to talk about their feelings, but I think in order for you to "spot girls like this" you are going to have to open up about this topic and get it out on the table to discuss. Don't blindside her with that news AFTER she's pushed you away a bunch of times.
And honestly, I doubt you can "spot that kind of girl", because every girl is different depending on the boy she's with. A girl who has decided she's found "the one" will behave very differently in bed that she would with a guy she's just dating and deciding if she likes well enough to go further. So the very same girl could have frustrated you to distraction, but next week, she finds her soulmate (in her way of thinking, understand) and bammo, she's happy to be physical with him.
My guess is that you are coming off as a bit of a sexpest, and you are giving the impression that it's not so much the girl you want as the sex she can give you. Does that make sense? We women want to know that we are utterly desired and desirable and that you would lay your lives down for us because we are that awesome. (We women have very high opinions of ourselves, of course)
I think your strategy should be to have conversations about sex, not about what you would do to her and vice versa, but general, relaxed, lighthearted chats about sex and how you feel about it in a global sense. That's when you tell her that the physical connection is very important to you. If the girl is okay with that, and finds you attractive, she'll stick around. If she doesn't really want to discuss it, then perhaps she's not the one for you. As you are very upfront and sexual, maybe that's more the kind of woman you should be seeking out.
And your girl, the one right now? She's only had sex with one guy? Um, you were definitely pushing too hard. You should have given her the chance to set the pace, not push it on her. I agree with Oldersister that she was sending conflicting signals by getting naked, then saying "no". But she's still a novice when it comes to sex--being with one guy for 3 years doesn't turn her into an expert, nor does it mean that she's going to be willing to do the deed right away. So try your best to put yourself in her shoes. I know it might do your head in, trying to think like a girl, but a little empathy can go a long way in interacting with people.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): Oh, and by the way, not one of the women who I dated from work had any reputation of being easy or promiscuous. They were all careful of that and very rarely dated men from work. They were all very nice women who just wanted to have someone to sleep with and hopefully get treated with respect and affection. If you treat a woman respectfully and go slow and give them a chance to tell you to stop then they are less likely to tell you to stop. If you treat them like a sex object they might still jump into bed with you, but they will later regret it and probably not want to see you again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): You want a woman to sleep with you because she wants to, not because she is pressured into it. Some women want to sleep with a guy on the first date and some want to wait months or even longer. The same goes for some men. You occasionally read a story where a man feels bad because a woman pressured him into sex, but that is much less common. If you don't want to wait months then find someone who is more in tune with your wishes and who doesn't have to be pressured into sex.
Remember that a woman who sleeps with you on the first, second or third date has probably slept with more than a couple of men. You have to decide if you want a very sexual woman who likes sex and is ready very soon and who has slept with many men or want someone who is more reserved. If you don't have to wait then other guys didn't have to wait either.
While it might be true that you pick up easy women at bars, don't count on that being the case. They go to bars to be with friends and not just because they want to get laid. There are plenty of women at bars who have no interest in jumping into bed with someone or are even looking for someone. There are also plenty of women who you might meet at work who will go to bed with a guy on the first or second date. There are no generalizations on this.
I was in my early 30s when my first wife and I split. I dated 4 women in the next 2 or so years. I never tried to get anyone into bed on the first date and tried very slowly on the second date and gave her every chance to say no. Two of the women said yes on the second date and later told me that they wanted to sleep with me on the first date. The other 2 almost dragged me into bed on the first date, even though I made no attempt at all. Of course, I didn't resist. Three of these women were women who I worked with and knew only because of work. I never tried to pick up a woman at a bar, so I can't speak to how easy they are. However, I knew women who went to bars to have some drinks with friends and they had no interest in finding someone to jump into bed with. A couple of women tried to pick me up at a bar, but I had no interest at the time. Again, it's difficult to tell what any women is thinking when it comes to sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): Maybe she keeps telling you to wait because you tried on the THIRD date! I mean gosh. Don't you have any emotional feelings for her at all? You came over as a sex pest.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): I wasn't trying to be negative,..just rying to help. Take your time and go more slowly. Let her decide when she is ready. Three months is really not a very long time. You both need to know each other better.
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A
male
reader, Branderplank +, writes (3 June 2009):
Branderplank is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your replies...Most of them are pretty negative I see. This is because most people come from the frame of mind that a man who wants sex probably has only one agenda and that is "to get into the girl's pants". I like to pleasure the person I like and care for and dont have hangups about sex within that context. The only question I have is how to judge whether a girl is very accepting of a man with that kind of frame. I have apologised to her for taking my frustration too far. She accepted it immediately without any hard feelings. She was definitely hurt by her previous boyfriend, no doubt. I just dont want that to get into the way of having a healthy relationship here.
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A
female
reader, Katie94 +, writes (30 May 2009):
I hope she finds someone better as she deserves it!
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A
female
reader, Ms.Helper  +, writes (30 May 2009):
 If the first time she's had sex was when she was in a relationship for 3 years then doesn't that tell you anything at all?
She's not easy! If you want someone to have sex with then find a girl/lady who's willing to have sex with you and don't bug someone who clearly doesn't want to rush into it.
It is the biggest turn off, and for you to basically threaten her?! Carry on this way and you won't ever get a girl/lady worth keeping.
You should talk to her, tell her you regret saying the relationship won't work, but also explain how important physical contact is for you when in a relationship.
Good luck x
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2009): How do you spot easy girls? Well, the club, bar, and at street corners. Easy girls are also easy for everyone else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2009): Blanderplank, maybe her first relationship was not a good one. She may have "had sex" but it was not good. And the fact that you know she was in another relationship may make her feel a bit awkward. She may feel you think she should be "easy" with sex, when in fact, she is not. She may not feel comfortable with being intimate with you yet, or feel that you really care about her. She may need the intimacy first...and you have not given her that feeling. Think about your own feelings..and if it is only sex you want from this girl..she may indeed be the wrong one for you. She may want something more. If you are not willing to give it, then leave her alone.
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