A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey all, I have a pretty interesting problem. So my ex left me last year and two weeks later was in a relationship with her new boyfriend. Suffice to say that entire experience stung and hurt me in ways that I could never even imagine. Fast forward to now and the two of them are now engaged and living together, due to the cheap housing market they were able to buy a pretty decent sized house and pretty much have everything set. My question is this how does oneself look past all this and not feel like he's being punished? And how does a person get past the sting of complete rejection, betrayal and complete dismissal by someone who you thought was perfect for you and thought that things were meant to be. I loved and cherished her deeply and even imagined a happy life with her in the end, and now I feel like with all this happening to me it really feels like punishment. So how does a person recover their confidence in themselves and self assurance, when something like this happens?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (25 August 2011):
 Hi,
I agree with NennaHB.
I feel your pain because I've been through a similar situation myself. It strikes us hard, deep and makes feel week and vulnerable.
How to move on? No one have a magic answer that will make the pain go away, erase and disappear, but there are few things you can do to help the process.
1. Allow, accept what's happening to you. You need time to grieve so feel free to feel your emotions. The pain, sadness, anger. Cry, scream, go for a drive, do whatever is necessary to release what you are feeling inside.
2. keep yourself busy. It's time to heal. Time to start thinking with rational mind. Spend time w/family, friends, make new friends, find new hobbies, join a gym, etc. This is the time to do all the things you wanted to do, but didn't because you had different priorities.
Push yourself, be strong and don't let the anger, bitterness, regret, revenge control you and your life. You will survive this. This will not be easy, take a day at time. As much as the truth and reality is so unbearably painful, just remember she's out there living her life without you as if nothing happened. I know this is unfair and you are desperately trying to understand and trying to find answers, but the truth us that sometimes things happen in life without no fault of your own and you just have to accept it. I know you need closure to move on, but forgive her not because she deserves, but for your own sanity. Don't waste any of your precious time dwelling what happened, because by now it doesn't matter anymore. What matters now is YOU, your new life and your future.
It's up to you how fast you want to overcome this. It's up to you who you want to become and what's going to happen in your life. I hope this helps. I hope you feel better soon and wish you success, happiness, peace and hope you become better that who you were before.
A
female
reader, NennaHB  +, writes (25 August 2011):
 First of all, you are not alone. Every strong person out there has been at least through one tearing heartbreak before becoming wiser and able to better choose their partner.
We all have our ways of coping with this type of loss and disappointment. I went through a similar situation when I was 23. In the moment the break up occured I was so shocked and trembling that I was unable to get out of the car(his car) and grab a cab home. In retrospective, it is the only regret I have: that I took it so hard that I was unable to pick myself up that very moment and turn my back on him. After the break-up I had 4 entire months where I didn't get out of the house, spending my time between the all seasons of Friends, reading, eating and basically doing everything I could to forget. I had 2 moments of "revenge", not planned by me: first of them, when I decided to finally get out of the house, one day I see him on the street. It was dark and I was paralyzed with fear as I wasn't expecting to see him. I hated him but also hadn't stopped loving him. Without a better idea, I took out my mobile phone before he could notice me and I pretended I was writing a text. I passed by him without even looking. It was his turn to act weird so, at seeing me, he carelessly crossed the boulevard, risking to get hit by a car and hided behind a bush. Meanwhile, his now girlfriend (the one he left me for) had arrived in the bus station in her car to pick him up. Obviously surprised he wasn't there, she started calling him. Luckily for me, my bus came and I got in. But I totally enjoyed this moment.
The second "revenge" came after a year approximately when he called me to tell me he had broken up with the gf and invited me on a beautiful Sunday out of town. All nice although I had lost my trust in him already. I had 2 revelations: first when he suggested we should hang out in another city that was close and then when, at the end of the day he asked me to accompany him to his work to get some papers for Monday. I went and I let him do his number, he got really really hot and I kept teasing him. (At some point he was so hot that he told me:"Stop teasing me or you will make me tear the jeans off of you")At the time where he thought he will have sex with me again, I told him that I would never get back with him and that I knew he wasn't single. The look on his face, the hatred, the fact that he had to go to the bathroom to finish himself off without me - they don't come even close to how I felt when he reduced me to "I don't want to be with you anymore because I want to be with someone else". I imagine it's cruel doing that to a man, but breaking a woman's heart is just as bad.
In time, it stopped being important, I just took it as an experience I had to go through in order to be able to someday choose a life partner according to my (by now)educated expectations.
Don't beat yourself over it. Try to have no contact with her and no news about her life. Focus on yourself, on what YOU want, need and deserve. Hang out with friends, take a hobby, whatever it keeps you out of house and keeps your thoughts away from her.
***
An old Indian told his grandchildren: "In every human life is a terrible fight. A fight between two wolves. One of them: fear, anger, envy, greed, arrogance, self pity, resentment and betrayal. The second: Joy, LOVE, humility, trust, generosity, truth and compassion. " One of the children asked: "Grandfather, which wolf wins?" The old man looked him in the eyes and replied: "The one you feed."
***
Love yourself and put yourself first. Everything else should just fall into place if you work on these :)
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