A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, I have a question that follows the line of a few others Ive seen lately. Its a problem that I'm having at my workplace, and involves being 'infatuated with', 'in love with', 'fixated on', 'obsessed with', 'having a crush on' and probably many other terms, a beautiful woman (In my eyes, and seemingly many others I work with) in the office. It is a large office and the ratio of men is about 4 to one to women. To cut a long story short, I had been getting along really with her and in a way, as silly as it seems, thought I meant something as a friend. It was very silly of me to think that I know but you cant help how you feel, and I thought the feeling was mutual . Previously we worked in different areas so I wouldnt see her that often, maybe once or twice a day. Now we are working in close proximity and I see her talking to various men, as part of her job, and one or two sociably practically all day. I have to admit that this is making me quite jealous, and recently we have not been as friendly partly due to the fact that talking to her was starting to seem like a bit of a battle, and she didnt seem as interested in talking to me anymore, making me feel like Im interupting her work etc. Anyway, to the question. I like her immensely, and as stupid as it is to feel jealous, I cant help it. It is impacting my ability to perform my work effectively, and I therefore need to put/keep her out of my mind. How do I do this when she is so often in sight and close by and I can hear her. I use headphones sometimes but that can only do so much. I can only avoid her so much in the office, admittedly its quite large so there are ways, but this is not very effective. Has anyone used any effective techniques for getting rid of a silly obsession over someone or for forgetting, keeping your mind focussed on your work etc? I know I may be asking for a miracle here, but anything's worth a try- i need her out of my mind before i go completely insane! (btw I am single, she is not)Thanks very much!
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crush, I work with, jealous, workplace Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell so far Im not having much luck getting her out of my mind, seeing her every day, and actually having to have conversations and attend meetings with her. I just created a new question on this site about the fact that Im getting a bit jealous of how friendly she seems to be to one of my male work colleagues. Ive even tried hating her and finding all the bad points in her (and there are quite a few), but that hasnt worked either.I know there is no magic formula to something like this- just wish there was. And another thing i really hope this guy she seems to get on so well with ends up in same situation as me, ie feeling like 'crumbs', feeling left out in cold etc etc. Thanks for listening to me rant on :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there, thanks for the kind comment- I hope so but it is not easy. After a week of this, I am going slighly mad- I dont think im being a stalker, but am starting to think that 'this is ridiculous!' If it isnt men she's talking to all the time through work, then they're constantly coming up to her at her desk. It didnt help that after a day or 2 of her being out of my sight, she came and sit near me in full view, im sure unintentional on her part, but I felt like she was 'rubbing my nose in it' anyway. Next week I will definitely be making a move somewhere, as far away as i can ger away with. Having a couple of meetings booked with her next week wont be helping!
I'm the one with the problem i know, i guess this is just one way to let off a bit of steam i guess, over something that most people would think pretty trivial.
As a matter of interest, I raised another question
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/shes-surrounded-by-men-in-the-workplace-.html
Talk about obsessive right?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): If moving floors helps then go for it, but somehow I think you will be fine you'll cope.
You sound like a decent level headed bloke and you'll not be single long I bet - so good luck :o) x
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGreat comment there, especially the bit about the crumbs! :) Never thought of it that way, but now that you mention it, you're right. When she wants to chat with me, she expects me to take notice, not so true when it comes to the other way round. I'll try not to miss my Miss Right, although I need to be making more effort in that respect, but that's another story. Many thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): Good going then...... just remember you deserve a full blown relationship, not crumbs.
Your miss right will show up one day be careful you don't miss her!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBy the way, if this continues to be a problem, should I tell my line Manager and ask that i be moved and if so, do you think its a good idea to tell them why? Would 'Personal Reasons' be enough? Im not sure that it would. Although I technically dont have to work exactly where I am now, i could move to another floor, although not sure if id get away with that one... as in my job I do need to talk to others on the floor regularly, but with technlogy these days...
A little drastic?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there
, thanks for your advice so far, its great. I'm trying not to take too much notice of what she is doing and talking to all day- Im deliberately trying to avoid her by not walking near where she sits, although i can still hear her but just pop on the earphones. I'm really busy so keeping my head down and concentrating on work isnt too hard, but my thoughts go to her very quickly and continuously all day, at lunchtime, as well as at home. I thought i was doing quite well avoiding her today, until just before home time, when most people had gone home, she approached me and started talking to me (work and personal). I have to admit that i liked and enjoyed that, and in that situation it is very hard (not to mention rude) to ignore and halt the conversation before i got started, although i could have... ("sorry got to go, got a bus to catch" etc). Nevertheless, I will continue to do what I did today and try and avoid her as much as possible..
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2011): Oh you poor thing! You must be going slowly mad.
The only way you can stop this is to focus on something else in your life, find a girlfriend maybe? Think of this woman as a colleague and treat her as one of the lads type of thing - if you have to communicate.
Stop watching her every move and conversation or people will think your some kind of stalker! I know its hard but its either that or leave the job which is pretty hard to do nowadays.
If your more casual in your attitude again, eventually it could turn into a work friendship one day, who knows.
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female
reader, HelpfulHunni +, writes (9 August 2011):
Well i have been in a situation just like this with a few variations. I know it hard and you probably hate the way your feeling for the fact that you cant help it.
Thats true, you cant help it. If your attracted to someone, then your attracted to someone but as you have written 'im single, shes NOT'
This is where the problem lies... If she was single i would be telling you to tell her how you feel the worse she can say is no and then you know you can move on but shes with someone so that tells me she doesnt feel the same. She maybe does like talking to you now and again, as a work acquantince. (sori if thats spelt wrong)
What i would do is get on with your work and make sure that your heads on the ball. Look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself 'i deserve better than her' and you do. There is someone for everyone and its not her.
Hope this helps
xo-HelpfulHunni-xo
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