A
female
age
41-50,
*iviana
writes:I was married to a man 7 years ago. We have two children together. We were complete equals as lovers, and never tired of each other. I have heard lots of people say passion dies out, but it never did. I still long for him today. I left him because after our children were born I was ready to grow up, and he definatley was not. I won't go into long details about that here. After we divorced, I was very angry with him, met another man that is my ex-husbands opposite and married him. My current husband and I have a "comfortable" marriage I guess. We have our own home, and the bills are paid...but i so miss the relationship I had with my ex. My ex could just hold my hand, and I felt that we were so close and nothing could harm us, and as much as I hate to say it, I have never felt that way with my current husband. I know in my mind that my ex is definatley not right for me, and my current husband will be a better choice for my children, but my heart is screaming the opposite. I have thought about him everyday since the day we seperated, and I don't want to. I chose in favor of my children, and I definately made the right choice. How do you let go, when your heart won't let you? How do you learn to live with comfort that your mind needs to feel at peace, and completely do without the togetherness and loving that your heart craves? How do you learn to live with lying in bed at night with your spouse yet feeling completely alone, when you know there's a man out there that would make you feel complete and wants you too?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2007): When you say "My ex could just hold my hand, and I felt that we were so close and nothing could harm us, and as much as I hate to say it, I have never felt that way with my current husband," I am very much reminded of the suspected effects of the hormone oxytocin on human attachments. We naturally produce oxytocin in response to regular touching and especially orgasm, and the effect is long-term feelings of trust, bonding, stress-relief, and security.
I hate to seize on just one element of your question and reduce it all to biochemistry, but this one aspect of what you describe makes me wonder if your current husband is very affectionate. You might be surprised what trading massages (etc.--stroking each other's hair or rubbing shoulders during a TV show) and trying to fulfill more of his sexual needs could mean for getting him to fulfill your own. Give him time and opportunity to make your heart swell. I'd say keep trying that for six months and see how you feel then.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (3 December 2007):
 Your children have a father, your ex husband. Your current husband needs a wife who loves and DESIRES him. It sounds like you picked him because he was convenient. I can tell you one thing for sure, if my wife felt that way about me, I'd rather be alone. It is totally unfair that he lives his life feeling like he has a loving wife who thinks of him as her knight in shining armour. Give him a chance to find someone who truly desires him. Maybe you'll find someone too. Unless you're going through a trying period and something is bothering you, try to be honest. If there is something you can do to fix your current relationship, do it. IF not, at least give him the chance to find someone who appreciates him.
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