A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How can you tell if a guy wants to "take a break" in a relationship because he's not sure you can make each other happy? Or if he's just trying to let you down easily and not feel so guilty? Me and the boyfriend of two years have been arguing a lot. Big fights, I'm too needy because he's emotionally detached and even though we get along great. These are very important issues that need to be dealt with. He doesn't know if we are right for each other. He's pretty sure we won't get back together but he need the space to see how he feels without me around. I'm going to use this time to love myself more and not need any man in my life. We are taking a two month break. However I got my computer back off him today and I got nosy and had a look at what he's been up to since we went on a break last week. On the days when had a massive row, he looked up a couple of dating sites (nothing came of it though just a look) and then he was buying hair removal products. My suspicions lead me to think that maybe he's planning on finding a fling (he doesn't fall for girls easily it would only be a one night stand). So I'm wondering if you think he was just trying to make himself feel better to let me down softly by saying "a break". I did think that he wasn't sure, but at one point he got mad and said: "il make this really clear to you - I don't think it's going to work between us" then "if I wanted to just break up I would but I don't know how I feel I need to sort out stuff in my head before I decide what I want" so yes I am a bit confused!!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2014): For most men, "taking a break" typically means "taking a never ending break."
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (17 June 2014):
 You ask: "How can you tell if a guy wants to "take a break" in a relationship because he's not sure you can make each other happy? Or if he's just trying to let you down easily and not feel so guilty?"
Here's a few hints about guys:
1. The reason that guys "take a break" in a relationship almost-never involves taking a break in a relationship. What YOU call that ("taking a break...") is really your giving us a chance to scout out for some other women who might be available to us. We are ALWAYS looking for that "other" girl (regardless of how perfect you might be, for us!)..... and,
2. We aren't humane, or civilized enough to believe that we should "let you down easy".... since - when that hot, new babe comes along and catches our eye - we have ALREADY forgotten you!
P.S. The concept of "guilt" is foreign to men. It is compromised - then eliminated - by the production of testosterone down in our "man-parts".
Good luck. Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2014): Op here. Thanks for all your responses. This is so frustrating!!! I think I know all these things and to be honest I have been looking at it like a breakup. It's just so confusing, we get along so well!! We have so much fun together and just hanging out most of the time, an amazing sex life! He says I'm the prettiest and sexiest and cutest girl he's ever been with and he couldn't so better than me. Before the last "big fight" we were talking about how much money to put into the joint account that we were gonna open together next week to save for a house. It's just hard to let go. But I've surprised myself with all the positive self talk. One more question: should I just dump him? I'm not going to sit around waiting (or get another man) and yes if we did try to work things out I would take it really slowly. But I don't want him to have all the power. However I know that if I break up with him, then that's it. He's gone and there's no hope.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 June 2014):
It's pretty obvious that he's leaving towards a breakup but needs to string you along so it's easier for him to get over you. While you wait in limbo hoping he'll change his mind he'll be well on his way towards finding someone new.
That's not really a bad thing since it's obvious to everyone here (and your boyfriend) that you guys aren't a good match.
Remind yourself of this when you start to miss him. It's a good trait to be able to recognize this and move on to better things.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 June 2014):
 As a matter of fact, I don't even think he is JUST letting you down softly. I think he is being self serving.
He does not want to break up officially, because he's given himself two months to test the waters, see what the market offers , and try out those our removal products :).
In case the picking were slim,.. at least he has Old Reliable to fall on.
Don't wait for two months with bated breath, this guy is clearly on his way out , he's inching out of the relationship. Anyway, in two months of separation, what would change ? You'd still be needy and emotionally unfulfilled, and he'd still be distant and emotionally detached. And, being apart, you would not have had the chance and the closeness to work on your issues TOGETHER and find a compromise.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (17 June 2014):
 Ditto Wise Owl E; Listen to what he says angrily; "I’ll make this really clear to you - I don't think it's going to work between us"
If you’re acting so needy because he’s emotionally detached, evidently you’re not getting what you emotionally need out of this relationship and no amount of stomping and needy display has or is going to convince him otherwise… he’s exhausted and had enough!
If he knew you were right for each other; there is no man that would say; we need to have a break for two months, or look up dating sites after a massive row!?
As I see it the both of you have two opposing personalities, there’s nothing to be confused about apart from your denial to move on and let it be.
You’ll need to resign yourself to this being the beginning of your relationship breaking up. Continue working on your self-esteem without men and try to walk away with some dignity intact.
Take Care – CAA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2014): The best thing to do when someone suggests taking a break in your relationship, is to consider that the end. He is letting you down softly.
He knows you're needy and he knows you're not the type of lady you drop hard. He is concerned about your feelings; but more concerned about his own. He is done with you, and you make it hard to leave with your dramatizing and emotionalizing. He has to sneak away.
When you fight a lot, that is a sign that your relationship has reached its expiration-date; and that you are incompatible. Your neediness is burdensome and smothering.
His mind is already made-up about breaking-up. He's giving you the opportunity to catch up with him.
He angrily tells you the truth, then takes it back. Listen to what he says angrily; and let that give you the strength to move on. Not the mean insulting things; but when he says he wants to go.
He's had enough, and he has given up on you.
Don't be strung along, while he gets a head-start of getting used to not having you around. Only to call you in a couple of months, after he has found someone; to end your relationship.
Consider your relationship ending at this point.
Your feelings are just not on the same page about it. He's ready, and you're not. You've only decided it can work; when you see the end is staring you in the face. Then desperation takes over, and you suddenly want to stay with him. What about the fighting? Aren't you tired of it? What exactly is the point, when nothing changes?
He is thinking about moving on, if he checked out a dating site. His mind is taking that direction. He realizes his emotions aren't ready for that yet. It's a knee-jerk male-reaction to seek sex as a pain-killer. That's how some guys rebound. Some women do the same.
Prepare to let go. You've come to the end of the road, and your feelings should be prepared to move on. Not sit around giving him all the power to make that choice. The odds are high that when he returns to talk, it will be his parting speech. Prepare for that.
Your first inclination and reaction is to beg him to stay. Don't! If you were right for each other, it wouldn't have come to this point. You're just scared of him finding someone else; and you being alone. If you got back together, you'll just have an even bigger fight. So he'll feel obliged to dump you on the spot. He'll feel better about it that way. You'll be angry and he won't feel sorry for you. He will cut you off, and ignore you. That's how you leave a female who clings by her nails.
Don't beg for his sympathy. Let him go; because he wants to. He really doesn't want to be with you anymore. You're sitting around with your guts in a knot, when all you do is fight with this guy. Why? Because he can't reciprocate the feelings you want. Well, maybe that's proof he's ready to move on.
Comeback to DearCupid as often as you need to. Don't sit around waiting for some guy to dump you and break your heart.
Get your feelings in order, build up your strength, and prepare to get your freedom back. Then take some time-off to heal, fix your insecurities; and rebuild your confidence and self-esteem. Being dumped is a blow to the ego. It makes us feel of less value; like our feelings were given in vain. That it was all a lie. The truth is, he's just the wrong guy. You need some work, and a timeout to work on becoming a stronger woman.
Breaking up is harder when we are over 30. We convince ourselves that are options are fewer, and age is working against us. The opposite is really the truth. You know what you really want, you are mature enough to know yourself; and you've had some experience with life and love.
If you're needy, that means you need men for validation.
Time to turn to other women to get that sort of thinking out of your head. You need to get a life, and not look to men to coddle you like a child. Looking for strength in other people; because you feel weak by yourself.
Perhaps counting on relationships to make-up and compensate for what you lack in your own personality. If you look to men to be strong for you; well, you'll drain men of their strength. They'll get tired of you. If that's all you can offer in a relationship. Showing how frail and delicate you are. They'll leave because of it. Sometimes men look to women to watch their backs and boost their strength. Even be strong for him, when he can't be. Men do run out of strength. Some of us aren't that strong to begin with.
If you both work it out. Wonderful.
Meanwhile; convince yourself maybe he isn't coming back. Maybe this is your chance to find someone better for you.
Don't go looking for another man; before you fix what it is in yourself that ended what you have. Part of it is his fault, and the other part is yours. That's the part you work on for the future.
You'll find another man, but you shouldn't need one. Neediness is your problem.
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