A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I guess my question is this: How do you know if you should stay with a relationship if you're having doubts?I'm feeling really confused. Sometimes I get this feeling that I'm just with my boyfriend because it's comfortable. Sometimes I think I just feel like this because we've been together so long...it's become a little mundane, but that happens to all relationships, right? Here's some details:I've been with this guy for almost 8 years. We met in college. We're both 28. He had one serious girlfriend before me. I had never been in a serious relationship. My boyfriend is polite, kind, generous, confident and thoughtful. He says I've made him a better person. I don't feel that he has made me a better person. In some ways I'm privately bitter about how he has changed my life. I wanted get out and have an adventure after college, but he talked me into moving to his hometown. He stayed here for career reasons for six years and wouldn't consider moving, even though I was very unhappy. (It's not like he says "no," but he says "it's the most logical thing and what else can he do?" I never had an answer, so I stayed.) I had planned to teach English in Korea for a few years and then travel and freelance and maybe look into a MFA program. Instead, I stayed with him, had a hard time finding work, spiraled into a depression and had a hard time pulling myself out of it. I feel like I've put my life on hold, for him. We would fight sometimes and he would tell me to leave if I wanted to, because he wanted me to be happy, but he said it meant we were breaking up. I was afraid to breakup, so I stayed, often unhappy. So, now that he has lined up things career-wise, he's willing to move to London, England. I don't know if I want to go. It's still not an adventure. He's career-oriented; he's not going to take a year off to explore Europe with me. We're going to take time during his three weeks of vacation, and occasional weekends. I feel like we always do things under his conditions. He says he going to London to make me happy. He doesn't have any siblings, his parents are the "keeping up with the jones'" kind of people. I don't like them, and he knows it. He says he could never imagine living in my hometown, because it's too "small town."I am close to my big, creative, blue-collar family. He doesn't really get how much I miss them. He has no use for religion, and I'm a very spiritual person. We have some shared interests and I feel like we've both learned from each other different interests. My boyfriend was a great support to me through deaths in the my family of my grandfather and my father. We've been to family weddings together. Our friends think we're amusingly opposite, but otherwise great for each other. I don't find him unattractive, but I don't think he's sexy. I don't know if that is normal or not. Sometimes when I'm feeling confident about us, I bring up marriage. (crazy i know, after what I've told you already). He says we're too young to get married. He also wants to wait until I'm established in my career and until I am comfortable with his parents. When I tell him I love him, he often says "Really?" and "Why do you love me?" I don't know what to think about that.Are we a complete mess or are we completely normal? How do you know when it's worth giving up on a long-term relationship?
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female
reader, HopelesslyLost  +, writes (30 June 2009):
Girl, this seems as though we are living almost exact lives. My fiance and I have been together for just shy of two years now, and it has been up and down like a rollercoaster. I too have suffered through depression. Recently he has started "hanging out" with his ex-fiance,and me being a nice person I got a little angry but figured I'd let him do what he wanted well it was only one time before and now has become more frequent. I love him so much and have asked everyone for advice and they all tell me the same thing, get out now and it's only going to get worse. I am only 22 and have yet to attend college. And that has always been my dream. And he has held me back from talking about finances and stuff. Well, I believe it is finally over he just doesn't realize it yet. My parents have told me to get my dog fixed and move back home. I do love him but I have to have my sanity and do what I want for a while, and if he truely cares for me, he'll wait. And maybe then he will also realize what a good relationship he had. But as of right now. I'm going home. :) Hope this helps honey.
A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries  +, writes (22 June 2009):
 if you're this unhappy and feel he is holding you back then please get out now!!
i mean he clearly expected you to give up all of your dreams and ambitions and why should you have!!
any relationship you BOTH make commitments! or you both let eachother fullfill eachothers dreams!
you are really unhappy and you've wanted to do so much in your life and he's kept you back. i think you know you want to leave and you should leave now and do everything you've wanted too in life before this ever happened.
you have got so much dreams and amibtions that you should be able to fullfill and you've not been able too because he's stopped you it's not fair!
hope this helps hun.
good luck!
doing this will make you the better person you want to be and give you so much confidence going out on your own travelling to different new places.
hope this helps hun.
x x x x
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A
female
reader, Strawberry Fields  +, writes (22 June 2009):
Well, I've also been somewhat in your shoes. It feels like you're at a point in your relationship where it REALLY feels like a crossroads and you think you need to decide there and then whether you should go on or stop because you're confused, the build-up of doubts..it can really make you think that maybe this relationship isn't normal at all.
My opinion is that your relationship is not a complete mess. Everyone has doubts..but from what I can see, your boyfriend is a bit selfish (not completely selfish). It seems that he puts himself first whether it's about career, marriage - and these are big issues. And why does he reply that way when you say to him that you love him? Has he ever replied or said that he loves you?
You've been with this guy for about 8 years..I think you have every right to at least know if he wants to marry you someday.
Regarding ur question if you should stay with him, and I'm not saying that you should do this (because it is entirely up to you), if it were me, I wouldn't sacrifice the relationship, at least not yet..because maybe you guys need to talk and work things out, have a heart to heart. Don't argue, try to listen to his points too. That's all I have to say for now. Hope everything will turn out okay
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A
female
reader, laura585 +, writes (22 June 2009):
Why not sit him down and have a heart to heart? Tell him your concerns, your dreams, and how you really really feel. He will either realize that you mean business about having your own life that will make you happy and support you, or he will continue with his "but this is more logical" way of thinking. You deserve to be happy, and deserve to fulfill YOUR dreams too. A break-up from long-term will take some getting used to, but if you get busy on your dreams it will distract you greatly from wondering if you made a mistake by calling it off. Really the only question left is do you want to settle in your comfort zone or do you want to break free and achieve things to your full potential? If you dont want to settle, and he continues holding you back (even tho I'm sure its not deliberate) then the answer of whether you should stay or go is obvious.
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