A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I have the generic problem of not opening up to anyone because I'm afraid of being vunerable and/or rejected. This has ruined my friendships in the past, and made relationships with boyfriends really difficult.I am 19 and now in my first serious relationship with a 22 year old. He's really nice to me, but he's really shy and a tad awkward. He'll make cute compliments about me, and I'm so bad at accepting them that I find a way to change the subject and I end up feeling horrible about it. I don't like avoding romantic type moments like that, but it's just my first reaction. I feel like I'm letting him down by not voicing my affection (I have no problem cuddling or kissing or whatnot to show it, but that only goes so far). The problem is I'm way too shy, along with having the bad habit of not talking about my feelings, I get really tongue tied and nervous when I try to say something simple like I miss him, and that's just not normal with your boyfriend, right? I know he wont reject me, at least I think that's not what I'm afraid of, it's more of just a first impluse thing.We work togther, and have been for almost a year. We've been dating and seeing eachother outside of work for about 4 months now.I know this is a stupid sounding question, but I'm just wondering how anyone else has gotten over this? Up until now I've just convinced myself to wait until I feel more comfortable with him, but I want him to hear that I'm actually interested.What's the easiest way to just say something affectionate?
View related questions:
kissing, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Blod  +, writes (19 September 2009):
 You need to get over this. Bottling things up makes you ill.I don't know whether you do this already, but a good idea would be to keep a diary. If you open up whilst writing in your diary then you've got it down somewhere. It lets you express yourself without having to open up or have some intense heart-to-heart with someone. I had a similar problem when I was younger. Writing my thoughts down when I'm stressed out really helps me. So I'd say that's worth a try. Another idea would be to say things out loud to yourself. If you're in denial this also works. It makes things real and more than just a flitting thought. You might feel a bit stupid, but if you're on your own then you're the only one who might laugh.Then when you're with your boyfriend, don't let yourself hold back everything. Next time he compliments, force yourself to say the words 'thank you' before changing the subject. If something crosses your mind about him, just something small such as something you like about him, tell him. It could be as short as three words but it's telling him how you feel. He won't judge or reject you. You're already in a serious relationship. So what really have you got to lose?I reckon it's something you need to build up slowly. Don't throw yourself straight in at the deep end. Do something small every day. Trust me, nothing bad will happen. It's good.Good Luck. X
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (19 September 2009):
 If you're trying to be more intimate with him then you need to start building that. It sounds like the two of you are extremely shy people, and ironically its a part of you that you both share. You want to talk and be open and you're both afraid.
The best thing to do is to try and build a great deal of trust with one another. You both have to feel very comfortable talking and interacting on deeper levels, intellectually and emotionally.
Some of the best exercises is to try and focus on something that you both have some sort of intense interest in, and start doing that and maybe other things together. Learn to rely on each other and talk about what you think regarding that interesting subject or thing.
When you're both comfortable about that, talk about how you feel about things in life generally. What you enjoy doing. Just keep taking those little steps so that you're both comfortable with each other.
As you progress you can start to work on the next step. You have to learn to accept that neither of you is perfect. And so you both have to learn to accept each other as is, and, not judge each other. That helps you two open up to each other. Its very important because that's part of the trust issue and it leads to intimacy. You should be able to tell each other anything and not feel ashamed or embarrassed.
After that, you can work your way up the same route everyone else does and that is try and be close, very supportive of each other emotionally and try to mature together. That's very important because as you are more comfortable and you feel each other's support, then things that might be points of contention will lead to mutual support instead of other kinds of behavior that you don't want to deal with.
I know its hard when you're shy. Shyness is an impediment but it seems both of you are that way, and its something you can both work on together too.
It sounds like he's just as reticent as you are, and so he's thinking the same thing, probably, and wondering what to do too.
Be nice and gentle with each other and have plenty of patience. It may take a little extra time and work, but if you two are comfortable snuggling up now, just imagine how much better it is when you're sharing your emotions and making those connections as a couple.
...............................
|
