A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi, me again. I have the text cheat husband who's now stopped all that with a colleague 18 years younger than me who works at different premises but he has to see at 6 weekly committee meetings and contact via email over business issues. He bitterly regrets what he's done and gets very upset when I rake it up and we end up having a serious argument every time. I went spying on her 4 weeks ago to see how she looked and actually spoke to her by asking what time they opened (she didn't know who I was). Anyway, I can't drop the thought of their emotional affair and the other night I was so consumed by jealousy that (after a few drinks) I told my husband what I had done. I said 'She was very tanned and blonde and I actually spoke to her'. He was gobsmacked and went mad at my obsessive behaviour (he insists that it was all a game and has told me it would never have lead anywhere). We had a huge argument and he nearly strangled me and threw me into the wardrobe in anger. Next day we texted and he said I would never change and let it go and mentioned separation. We love each other dearly (the texting happened when we were going through my menopausal unloving period) and he would give anything to turn the clock back. He was full of remorse at his violence and said he couldn't risk it happening again so we would have to split. We have now smoothed it over (yet again) and are totally in love but I can't see myself managing to not mention it again and causing this to happen over and over. How do you get over emotional betrayal? Neither of us wants to split up and if I kept my trap shut everything would be great but I keep needing to talk about it and this always causes friction. PLEASE HELP.
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female
reader, AlwaysGood  +, writes (25 October 2009):
Well, I just did a search on emotionally abusive men, and found you guys. To anom female who started this post. I hear what you are saying, you want to try and you feel what is happening is small enough that you can figure out a way to get through to him, and once you do, and you two move on, positively, voila, all is better. I can see why you feel that way. He probably has been great at times with you. OK, here it is, even though he has been wonderful and a love, it is not OK to be abusive in any way. A man who does that, will intentionally hurt you to get his way, no matter what. He will never see it any other way, at the heat of the moment, and he will instantly choose to hurt you in order to manipulate you into just breaking down and doing it his way. OK, so lets go forward from here, you break down cause YOU choose to avoid the confrontation or problem it will cause if you want to approach this on a healthy adult level of easy communication. So you break down and let him have his way. Does he then treat you great? Does he go out of his way to make you feel especially happy? Does he go out of his way to make you feel good in any way at all? Well, you and I would think so, and assume so. So then we expect the great treatment. But reality is lots of wrongs have been done here, and if you try to work it out or talk about it, he will start accusing you of causing problems, right? I am with someone who does what your guy does. I have given it a lot of thought, tried to figure out what would cause a man to "intentionally hurt me to get his way, no matter what, no matter how big or small". What would cause a man to not just be a love and think of the two of us, instead of only him and his dirty agenda. I can honestly say, it is not me and I will not start to feel guilty in any way because of his purposful intentions to hurt me to get his way. NO way. I am only guilty of standing my ground gently and lovingly, asking him to not cause hurt, but to cause love so we can laugh have fun and be there for each other. I have even said, try and remember what it was like when we were getting together. How wonderful you were, how much we laughed and got along like it was magic. Now it's so different it's scary. I even said the bottom line is, we need to remember to be there for each other and take care of each other, and yes, love each other. I asked him to stop copping out on us, and every time he gets angry with me, and rages on and on, and to stop refusing to try to work things out, to stop causing a hellacious war for gods sakes. I have asked him to put all that energy he puts into hurting me and us, into helping us instead. I finally figured out and he even said in a fit of anger, if he gives in and is nice to me, then I have other agendas and I am just using him. What? Imagine my shock at that. Oh yes it hurts, because after all he should know me better and know my only agenda is for us to be kind and loveing to each other, without the games and manipultions, and without punishing me, literally like a child, when he cant yell at me or hurt me. See? It's a twisted mess. There is no working it out. It will be his way or hell for me. If he says he loves me and wants a relationship with me, then why am I only getting a tiny piece of that love? Well, the truth is staring me in the face. He simply does not want to give or show love. What made him do that? Well I found out in my situation, its because of past problems before he met me. Weirdly enough, every single situation he explained to me, while we were getting together, as a situation he does not want, and just wants to make sure I won't do that, he actually does to me. See? He made a huge point of making sure I don't do those things, and then he turns around and does them 20 fold to me. Now I agree I should not tolerate this and should not be with him. The problem I have is we are now living together, and my car is down, and I need to earn an extra 2000 to get it going. I can't break up with him unless I have a working car. I live out in the country and must have a car to buy supplies and bring back home. He promised me "it's time for you to be a happy woman now, it's time for your life to get a whole lot better, and if you would just let me in, you will see I am that man. I am from the past and there is no man like me, I know how to treat a woman special, and I would never hurt a lady, especially a special lady, and you are special." Yep he smothered me with talk like that. I ask him about that now, and he rages at me that it's different now and I need to buck up and take it and quit whinning all the time about the past. HUH? Yep, that is exactly what he says. I look at him shocked, and I feel so scared and helpless. Then I cry because it scares me that me, a fully functional woman who has worked hard to be a very happy woman and share love and happiness rather than being bitter, has a man like him living with me. Oh my god, help me. Quick. If he catches me crying he laughs at me and tells me I am a baby and havent' grown up enough to take his treatment, therefore he hasn't the time for me. WHAT? Well, in realty it is all just plain crazy abuse. Yes, what everyone else said above is right, it will make you crazy or sick. Why go throught that? Let him go. Move on, choose to be happy, even if it means being alone for a while. Truth is, after a relationship with him, you will need healing time. Yep, you are already there, you will need to heal as it is, and the longer you stay in it, the longer it will take you to heal. And will you ever heal? Completely? Yes, if you want to. You will become stronger because of it and you will not every tolerate bad behaviour again. And, no, you are not being too picky or tough. My god, look at how tough he is being with you? If you were treating him like he treats you, would he be there with you? I think not. Us women tend to be too giving to tolerante. WEll, lets not cut ourselves down because of it. We just need a man who loves us because we do give a lot and are tolerant. It really works great when they love us back, FULLY, not only a little bit and only sometimes, when they feel like it. Shouldn't they feel like it all the time? Love doesn't go away and become a rare experience, it should always be there. His answers to you are not love, they are threats and abuse. And once again, bottom line is, "he thinks its ok to be that way". Um um. No way. He would'nt tolerate you being that way. I know I am going to tell my guy to leave, when I catch up my money, and I know he is going to be shocked and probably really hurt me bad. I just hope and pray it doesn't come to that, and if it does, then its' peaceful. Then I can heal, and look forward to a wonderful relationship. Don't get me wrong, I am perfectly willing to work hard and work on myself for that great relationship. Just don't abuse my kindness. Thats all for now, keep your chin up and love yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): I have read all your posts and have NEVER expected to read from you what he had now done. This man phsically assualted you. You need to report him to the police. If you do not be careful he will kill you. Yes, kill you. I know that you love him BUT, HE IS EMOTIONALLY AND NOW PHYSICALLY ABUSING YOU.
He is making you to be the crazy one here. He doesn't want you to question himself. He cheated, he lied, he did the wrong thing in this marraige yet he is turning the tables around. How can he not see that his betrayal has affected you. Your husband knows that you cannot trust tim, you need closure and yes, you will throw his "affair" in his face. So what? This is your way of dealing with his betrayal. Please do not allow him to manipulate you anymore.If wants to split, call his bluff. Your life is so much more valuable. He has disrespected you, he has cheated you. He is emotionally blackmailing you into SILENCE. WHY? So that he can get away with his wrong doing.
Do you have children? If they are big enough please talk to them about this abuse from him. This situation is so scary right now. Please watch him, he will make you go mad. Then what will he do? Leave you and then blame you, that is what he is doing. This man is a professional abuser, just knows the right words, things to say to make you shut up. it's all about him, what he wants to do, he sees nothing wrong with what he has done.
Dear Anonymous writer, please please for your won sanity, take stock of this unhealthy sitaution. You need to slowly bulid your self esteem. You need to take back your life and your emotions. My heart is crying out for you to rebuild your life, even if it means without this abuser. Make plans, strategise what you want with your life. You are bet 51-59, not a young girl anymore but also nobody's fool. Your husband is getting away with murder. Please do not let him?
To regain trust issues, please go for counselling (together). Do not let him bully you in thinking that you are the wrong one here.I know that you love him, i read all your posts, sometimes love is not the only thing in a marriage. Please your morale, self image all is suffering. Your life can be beautiful again. How quickly you heal from this betrayal depends on you.
The people that have responded here have nothing to gain by advising you. We are just worried about you and your situation. Please, please keep us informed. I am so alarmed and frightened for you. It seems as though if you bring up his betrayal again he is going to do so much worse to you. You have the powere to stop this man from hurting you both physically and emotionally.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): My boyfriend goes like that when I bring up things he knows are wrong in what he did - like texting other women suggestively when we first met. He has had his hands round my throat. Been violent and has a temper. The thing is there are only going to be so many times you can keep this betrayal and its effects on you in and if you know his reaction (violent) you will be too scared to vent it. He has put the onus on you to 'get over it' and 'move on' and yet he does not care about changing jobs or moving away from the presence of this other woman and going out his way to make things right between you! His reaction to you turning up and eye-balling this other woman was a complete over-reaction. If there was so little in it why the hugely defensive reaction? My boyfriend tells me I humiliate him by being the way I am but I know right from wrong. I think you want to try and erase this event but you cannot. You will continue the pendulum swing of arguments and smoothing it over but inbetween times your heart will become damaged. I would call his bluff and tell him that you have thought about what he has said regarding separation and you think a trial, under the same roof, would be a good idea. Perhaps sleep separate and start building up your own social life - you appear too needy to him and he is calling the shots. I think you will never be able to see the situation for what it is like you are. What he has done deserves a full apology and him being violent is totally unacceptable. If you cannot speak alone about this incident please try counselling together or apart - that way he cannot get like that in front of others. Only you know what is worth saving. Some say when the trust is gone - its gone.
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A
female
reader, rorowes +, writes (21 March 2009):
 I am also in a trust issue relationship, and it's hard to deal with. It's almost the same type of situation that happened to me, and I'm still trying to get past it. On that note, whenever I bring up the indescretion, he tells me that he can't feel guilty forever, but that's not what I want. We just want to be able to move pass the betrayal. Time is what it will take. Violence is never something you should put up with though. It seems like it was more to the story than what he told you, and he's afraid that you might find out. You have to do what you need to do to protect you. It doesn't matter what the other woman looks like. All that matters is will he ever hurt you again. I have a question for you, was this the first time he got violent with you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): You are actually making excuses for him! Wow! He almost strangled you, he through you up against the wardrobe? Re-read your posting and think about how you would respond if you were reading someone elses question! He has the balls to turn this on you? And you accept the responsibility for it! Don't let him get away with that!
Imagine if it was your husband who found out you cheated with a co-worker almost two decades younger than him. He wouldn't just go see the guy, he probably would've decked him!
It's seems like he is protecting the other woman!
And for him to say...it never would've lead to anything...is that supposed to make you feel any better about it? I would love for you tell him you are going out tonight to see if you can hook-up with a younger guy...but don't worry honey...I promise it won't lead to anything...just a few hours of glorious sex!!!!!
It is hard for me to come up with an answer your question, How do you get over the emotional betrayal, because honestly, I don't think you will if you stay with him! I apologize for being so harsh, I know you are hurting! And I know how you are feeling especially when he adds insult to injury! Start thinking about your own well-being. Put yourself first! He sounds very abusive and you don't deserve that sort of treatment! Trust me, there is life after the pain!
Again I am sorry for being so blunt, but I get so pissed off when men treat women so horribly! Actually I get pissed off when people treat others like that, whether a man or a woman!
Be Strong and Take care of yourself!
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A
female
reader, bobbles32  +, writes (20 March 2009):
 Whoa, he put his hands on you? After you brought up HIS wrongdoings? A better question is why are you still with this man? If he can't control his anger and has actually acted on his capability to get physically violent with you then I suggest you get up right now and pack your things. Nothing bothers me more than a woman who stays with an abusive man. My mother did, and lost her life because of it.
think about it. You're not being very smart.
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