A
female
age
36-40,
*a petite belle
writes:Hi, I have a burning question that I am starting to think that sabotages my relationships.How do you fight with your significant other?I'm trying to learn from the past and some advice that I read in the past as well but I don't think I'm doing it effectively...In the past when I used to be angry I would want to resolve the matter right then and there but the problem is that with the upsetting feelings being so... palpable, hurtful things are said and done which inevitably starts tearing the relationship apart...So this time, I tried to let my upsetting feelings simmer, thus, if I am upset, I just get up and go do something that makes me forget about it, so when we see each other again, if the "fight" was something petty then I would come to my senses and explain why I got up and left, conversely, if it was something "big" then we could talk about it once I had thought of it myself... (I hope I am making sense)..However, in both of the only relationships that I have had, me getting up and leaving made my significant other ... detach... I think that the problem is that I leave or "dissapear" for a couple days... and then I come back and act like nothing happened...Now, as I am typing I realize that it sounds wrong but my intentions are not... I typically need days to think about upsetting things, I put thinga in order, say exactly what I think (not feel), and why i was upset...Well, this time, my boyfriend didn't text me for almost 3 days, so I didn't text him and instead i went to the beach alone and did things on my own... once I thought about the fact that he didn't make an effort to contact me, I thought about it and assumed that something was going on, maybe he lost his cell, he left it at work... who knows, I was trying to be rational but I had to let my feelings simmer, thus the no contact.... so once again, I "disappeared" from Friday-Saturday, came back from the beach, texted him and he didn't text me til an hr ago and listed all the things that he did but... he never asked to see me... and mentioned that he was busy all day todayOf course, I am hurt and I'm starting to second guess if I am doing something wrong and why is it that he only replied and never asked me if we could see each other and didn't reply to my "okay, I've missed you but have a great time today" reponse...Now, in my first relationship, this type of "detachment" would fuel anxiety and I would once again go into "angry mode" and disappear, as well as HE DID, this time, I am trying to put it aside, but his detachment is hurting me...How do you fight? All relationships fight but how do you fight in a loving way?, how do you fight in a way that gets things across?, I am quick tempered and I can be extremely hurtful when I am hurt... that's why I need to let things simmer... but I think people interpret that as me running away from trouble instead of facing it but guys don't like to talk about things...and sometimes, I get upset about things that are not worth the fight....I know guys are not going to talk about feelings, I know that but then how do you fight or arrange issues?I think my boyfriend is going to break up with me.. he's 10 years older than me, has 1 son and a newborn that he just found out about... I think part of his detachment are his kids... but then then the other part is that he probably things, I'm mature and I simply choose to run away from problems...How do you fight in a loving way so you don't hurt the other?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2012): Hello! There is a solution to your problem, I do believe. First let me explain.. When most couples argue, they both have their own sides (views) to the relationship. You see your view as "the big picture" and he see's his view as "the big picture". Really, though, the big picture is both of your sides together. In order to paint this picture, there's a communication method, commonly known as "I statements". I'm sure you've heard of it at least slightly. When you speak, never blame, accuse, or attack him. Refer to your own feelings, needs, and thoughts. Have him do the same. Let me give you an example dialog: DO'S:I feel upset that you play playstation so much. I wish I had more help around the house. I don't feel pretty to you any more."DON'TS:You get on that playstation to upset me. You never help around the house. You make me feel unpretty".This method eliminates the suggestion that your view point is the only one, or the most accurate one, and gives room for him to address his. By putting the views together, the two of you will have a clearer understanding of the big picture. Perhaps the big picture was he had no other fun hobbies so he turned to the game, and he felt you had the house work under control. Maybe he was trying to make you feel pretty, but sucked at it or thought that the way to go about it was a way completely different than what you needed. You have to understand that the differences you have with others goes way deep. You're entirely your own person, as well as your partner!Here's a favorite quote of mine: "neither person can win an argument; it's either the relationship that wins or looses."
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): I like doing the same. When I get mad I always sleep on it. If it still bothers me the next morning then I do something about it. I usually sit down with my BF and tell him very camly hey this is bother me, or I didnt like this. Or I really dont know what is going thru your head but I feel this. Always explain what you are going thru and then let him answer.
GOOD LUCK
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A
male
reader, mistermann  +, writes (27 August 2012):
First of all, I can say that I completely understand why you fight the way that you do. Nobody wants to say hurtful things that they regret.
We all argue and fall out over things at times, if we didn't, there would be something seriously wrong there! Sometimes arguing is a necessary evil and there simply isn't any way to avoid the unpleasantness - some things have to be said.
I'm the sort of person that likes to get things resolved there and then. I'd really struggle to cope with somebody getting up and leaving and then coming back and attempting to resume pre-fight. I wouldn't want to carry on as normal until everything had been talked out and every loose end tied up as best as possible.
My girlfriend and I have agreed that if something upsets us or annoys us, then we talk about it there and then and resolve it and most of the time it works out well for us.
There aren't any hard and fast rules, you can't plan how you are going to fight, when it happens, it happens and you deal with it there and then.
If the only way you can deal with things is by walking away and churning it over, you need to have that open and frank discussion with your boyfriend and help him understand what's going on inside.
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