A
male
age
51-59,
*reamland
writes:I posted a question similar to this one a while back, but I can't seem to motivate myself to end this, even though my mind is saying enough is enough! I've been involved with a married woman for a couple of years now, and I don't feel like I live in the real world because she's a sexual dream come true--a couple of times a week-- not to mention very attractive and drama-free, which makes ending these trysts so much harder. We're both intelligent and we're rationalizing this subterfuge/affair.We both have great careers and a work schedule in a virtual office environment(on the road and work from home); this has propelled the affair to levels you can't even imagine. We often talk about how our actions are not exactly extolling the virtues of ethics and morals, but since we're both free of drama and manage to carry this on in a pragmatic, yet passionate, manner, I find it very hard to end this. I am being robbed of precious years being with her, but why am I still doing this?? I have no problems finding dates, women, etc., so why do I like her so much? My females friends who know about this are baffled because they all think I'm a great catch......and I've dated them too.
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male
reader, Dreamland +, writes (31 July 2011):
Dreamland is verified as being by the original poster of the question***update***
She's meeting with an attorney next week to discuss the next steps and best practices on how to proceed with a divorce.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): Just tell the girl, "Listen, I am not comfortable with doing this anymore. We are done. i dont want to see you anymore. Think of your husband" And just leave it at that. dont take calls,email,texts,visits or anything else from her. Be strong :) good luck
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (20 May 2011):
have you talked with her seriously about this? you could tell her plainly what you want - for her to leave her husband - and that you don't want to keep seeing her when she's still married.
by being available to her all these years, you're enabling her to maintain her dissatisfying marriage because whatever she's not getting from it, she's getting from you. you're filling in the blanks in her marriage and being a crutch for her, enabling her to continue living the way she is.
if you stop being available to her, she may become dissatisfied enough with her life that she will finally take a hard look at her marriage and end it. Or she may not, but if so it would still eventually reduce your angst to disentangle yourself from this situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): it sounds like you're angry at her for stringing you along and having a good time with you, yet continuing to stay with her husband. You want more, but she can't give more because she's tied down. she could be a big coward - staying in a marriage that she hates because she's afraid of change or afraid of losing something. people who are weak and cowardly are not good real-life partners (just look at her in her marriage - she's obviously not a good real-life partner cos she's cheating on her husband). she has no qualms about hurting you either, unless you hide your true feelings from her and she has no clue that you want more than you let on.think about this, and all her other character flaws (like her lying and deceit towards her family) next time you feel desiring of her...
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A
male
reader, Dreamland +, writes (18 May 2011):
Dreamland is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Lovegirl.......I'm not gloating about the fact that I'm her passionate lover, but I'm merely stating a FACT because that's ALL I am to her. It's hard to convey body language and facial expression on a forum ;) My demons are rooted in the fact that my mind is incessantly ruminating about these indiscretions, but my heart and soul are in an avolition mode; I just go with the flow and don't seem to have any self control or will when I'm a round her. A complete dichotomy.I do want a relationship with a single woman, but it's hard when an attractive unhappily married women makes all these overtures. I think that I need to make myself less desirable, especially at the gym where most of these moral reprobates stalk their prey....... ...How about instead of wearing stylish "Under Armour" work out attire at the gym, I dress up like 1970's fitness guru Richard Simmons, complete with that 1970's "Jew fro" hair, shiny striped shorts that are two sizes too small, and pink tank-top a top with the slogan "Sweatin' to the Oldies" plastered all over it......
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): So what was your question again? From your updates you have NO regrets, no remorse. So what is the issue. As you sooo proudly state, you are this married womans passionate lover. And you seem to be happy.So kindly advise me what is the real issue? On one hand we have you, lathario, who seem to have no qualms about sleeping with this married woman. Then on the other side we have the lustful married woman who cares nothing about cheating on her hb, and perhaps her kids. Who is deceitful and conniving when it comes to covering her tracks in this affair. A woman who has NO self respect and integrity. Her lies and deceit has not only been targeted towards her hb, you too, have been sucked into this sordid world of adultery. Yes this forbidden union is so exciting and so 'beyond your wildest fantasy" but the reality is that you both have decided to be devoid of any accountability.Bottom line: you do not want to end this affair. In fact it suits you to be the other man, as one person said, you get a high, thinking you are better than her hb. Mister, you are not. Why don't you want a decent relationship with a single woman? Because you don't need to work at it, you don't have to invest in the relationship. You are actually SCARED of a 'normal' relationship! Why? Because you do not have what it takes to be a proper partner. You are so used to sneaking around and slinking away in so called dark alleyways, that you have now no concept what a proper relationship means. You just do not have the inclination of maintaining a proper relationship. Fast forward a few years from now: you are still slinking away, enjoying your "passionate lover" role but your life is EMPTY. Realistically speaking which woman will want to have a relationship with a middle aged cheater? This EMPTINESS will define you, in fact, it has already started.So for now you may revel in your role as passionate lover, but when the seediness is over, what do you have.I challenge you to make a decision. Either continue to be this "passionate lover" , for a few dark moments or CHOOSE to end your affair and try to find a proper relationship where you will be proud to be displayed in public. Do you think you have it in you to have a "normal" relationship?You seem to be very eloquent, professional and even somewhat charming. You are throwing your life away and as the other man, its a title you should be ashamed to have. So you hold the key to your future.....LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 May 2011):
 yeah well OP when my lover and I started enjoying it and doing it WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much... I ended my marriage for my partner.
IF you really want to end the affair. END IT
NO CONTACT
block her email
block her phone number
get caller ID on landlines and USE IT
be the grown up here and do what you need to do.
I am all for open marriages and relationships if ALL PARTIES agree (as was the case in my marriage) I am NOT fond of CHEATERS and LIARS.
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A
male
reader, Dreamland +, writes (17 May 2011):
Dreamland is verified as being by the original poster of the question@So Very Confused.....I am NOT expecting her to leave, nor do I want her to leave! Read my post. I often express my concerns to her and have canceled trysts in the past because she might get "questioned" that particular day regarding her whereabouts. I am NOT her savior...far from it. I am her passionate lover and we're enjoying each others company...but we're doing it waaaaay too much!!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 May 2011):
if her marriage was loveless and she was unhappy she would be with you as her primary... TRUST ME on this.
I ended a marriage due to an affair. I could have saved my marriage...easily. I choose my affair partner. Not because my spouse was a bad man or I didn't love him... but because I didn't love him enough...
Ending a marriage esp one with young children is never easy but to be honest, it's very doable and people do it every day.
IF after a few years she has not ended her marriage the pros outweigh the cons and she's not going anywhere.
YOU know what you need to do to end it. Block her. no texts no calls no trysts... and no more lying to yourself that her marriage is loveless and you are her Savior.
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A
male
reader, Dreamland +, writes (17 May 2011):
Dreamland is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Male anonymous reader.......you have got this all wrong as far as the "drama" part is concerned, because this reminds me exactly of a previous five year relationship that I had with a girlfriend. We got together for all the good times but we kept certain aspects of our lives separate, and that's how I feel with this girl. It's almost like a dream come true relationship for a guy, but it's not based on reality. When I think about her being married and deceiving her husband, that's the part that makes me feel guilty and sick to my stomach.
@chocoholicfever.....believe me, I confront her with that often, the fact that things are probably not as bad as she professes and she's probably acting like a big baby; she has a stable life financially--because of her career, not his-- but a life devoid of passion, that's all. Hey, that's what happens in the latter part of a marriage so she needs to bite the bullet and cease and desist her selfish ways.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (17 May 2011):
How "loveless" her marriage is, you really don't know. Unless you actually live in the house with them or set up a spy-cam to observe them in their private moments, you really have no idea of the true nature of their relationship. She could be lying to you about the nature of her relationship in order to rationalize the affair, even to herself. Or even if not an outright and intentional lie, she could be exaggerating how "loveless" or "roommate-like" her marriage is. Also, realize that if she can lie to her husband to conceal the affair, she can certainly lie to you about how "loveless" her marriage is. Thus, I don't think it's sound to base your decisions or your plans, on what you think her marriage is like, because you really have no way to know what that is.
if she wants to prove how "loveless" her marriage is, she can certainly do that by getting divorced or even by moving out and separating.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): You are in a fantasy relationship like you would be with a stripper or prostitute. Obviously, the relationship is not all about sex, but nevertheless it is a fantasy acted out. The problem with this is that the fantasy is interfering with your waking life. Time you spend with her is time you are not spending searching for a loving relationship that may have a future. I think you realize this, which is why you want to end it.If you have as good of a relationship with her as you say you do, then sit her down and tell her that. Tell her you want more from her than she can give and that you are not being fair to her either by sapping emotional and sexual energy from her marriage. Don't demand that she divorce her husband, but tell her that unless she can do that you are going to end the relationship. It sounds like from what you have said that she rather likes the current situation (she was on a mission to find a lover) so it sounds like she may have to go on another mission while you move on with your life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): Be honest, "drama-free" is BS, as BS as it gets.The fact is you like the drama of the affair, it is exciting to shag the woman who is "another man's woman" in your mind, you feel more attractive than him, you feel all these things, and you KNOW that it won't last...no pressure there either.But, if you get in a relationship with a single woman you have to fear that it won't last, that you won't measure up to other men that she might find attractive, that you won't be good enough, smart enough, or enough of this or enough of that, and you will have to work to make it last because it COULD last if you can just figure out how to make it worth her while...month after month, year after year...and think maybe she "might cheat on me with someone" just like the married woman did with me.You are 41-50 years old, and haven't been able to make a relationship last, why do you think you are in a relationship with one that certainly doesn't threaten that track record.
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A
male
reader, Dreamland +, writes (16 May 2011):
Dreamland is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, so much for replying and I appreciate all of your answers and suggestions. I often think about what she's doing to her family if they find out, but the constant reminders that she lives in a loveless marriage in which both parties coexist more like roommates as opposed to a couple doesn't really help. Moreover, it would be so much easier if she isn't a good communicator and all around sweet person with an attractive disposition - we are great friends aside from the sex! But being friends with a married person from the opposite sex is a recipe for trouble.
I was the one who initially refused to acquiesce when she was on a mission to find a lover; I felt anxious when we went to lunch and I found myself in a "detached" mode mentally, as if my mind was protecting itself from the perilous situation I was dabbling with. It's interesting how insidious this whole process is.......you let your guard down more and more each time you meet, and then bam!...you lose!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): It is understandable that you're having difficulty giving up an immediate 'certainty' for a long term possibility when that 'certainty' feels so good.
And a big part of the reason it feels so good is because you're living a fantasy. Your relationship isn't bogged down with the mundane aspects of life, bill paying, child rearing, and household chores. Because the time you spend together is hard to come by you tend to make the most of it, thus making it all the more enjoyable and harder to resist.
There aren't any magical words any of us can offer that will make it easier. You'll have to muster the determination for yourself. You can make it easier by having other things to distract you during the withdrawal.
It might help sober you to remember that your spouses are getting all the heavy lifting while you and your lady friend are getting all the rewards. They get to see the less flattering parts of you. Imagine a woman who loafed about in curlers and a bathrobe for her husband while doning sexy lingerie for her lover. Her husband gets to pay the bills and mow the lawn. Her lover gets a night of passion and eye candy.
You're a grown man and you'll have to govern yourself. We can't do that for you.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (16 May 2011):
well it sounds like you don't really want to end this affair since you have been in it for a few years so there's probably emotional attachment and companionship or friendship on top of the attraction, and she is "drama free" meaning that you don't experience many conflicts and negative events with her (as you would with a real relationship partner). And, you both have been rationalizing it. Therefore, there really is no motivation for you to end this affair, which is why you're having such a hard time doing it.
if you are looking for help with ending the affair...how about imagining that her husband and children (if she has any) found out. Imagine the hurt and pain this would cause them, and you would have been an equal party to it. yes she is the one responsible to her family, but you were part of it too. Imagine that her husband would go postal on you, and wreck your life and ruin your career. Tell yourself that the longer you continue this affair, the greater the chance that this will happen.
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A
female
reader, IAMDONE +, writes (16 May 2011):
Relationships are always hard to end and even harder when you have deep feelings for the person and when the relationship is so enjoyable.Of course, you know that a relationship wirh a married woman is a dead end. I am sorry that you got involves with her since she is married. I know the feeling. I am with a man that is married and I have been with him almost 5 years and I do love him very much. It is very difficult for me to end this relationship because I do love him and I enjoy the time we spend together. I have not seen him now for 4 months because this is a LDR now and I saw him weekly before he lost his over the road trucking job.I suggest you find a single woman and start trying to end this affair with this woman. When you are ready to end this relationship, it will not be a big problem to do so.I worry about her husband finding out and what he may do to her in his fit of rage or what he might do to you. Please be careful as you work your way out of this complication situation.Good Luck!!
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