A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I am having trouble dealing with the fact that I slept with my ex bf (I was a virgin before I met him). At the time I trusted him and loved him, but soon after we did it, he turned into a really abusive person. We only did it probably 3 times then it all started, so I broke up with him. My question is how do you deal with the regret, the guilt and the feeling of being ashamed and used? I am feeling so overwhelmed right now. I feelt gross and hate myself. I have so much anger towards him because he pretended to be someone who he wasnt and I fell in love with that and I also am angry at myself for giving into his manipulation and for being so stupid to not realise earlier that he wasnt a good person. It wouldnt be so bad if I didnt sleep with him, but I did, so now I feel like ive not only been robed 9 months of my life (thats how long our relationship lasted), but also my virginity. What makes it all worst is that my mum doesnt know I slept with him. When I broke up with him she asked me if I slept with him and I couldnt tell her the truth, I was to ashamed. So I said no and in reply she said "thats good because if you did, this would cause a whole lot of other issues."Its hard not being able to tell my mum the full truth because I know if I did I might feel a bit better because she would give me so much support, but at the same time I could feel so much worst because I would feel embarrased and guilty and she would see how stupid I was.I feel like no one else will ever want to be with me because of this. Please help! Has anyone else ever been through a similar expeirence? How did you deal with all the emotions? Also do you think its a good idea I tell my mum? If so, how could I go about it? I am 18 years old by the way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2008): I agree with the below Aunts. This young man has done a good job on your head. You have been traumatized by this cad. Don't allow him to keep on 'tearing you down'. That's allowing him to continue to control and abuse you, long after he's gone.. You did nothing wrong. You gave your heart to the wrong guy. Yes, you were 'robbed of 9 months...but you learned something crucial. You learned to be smart, selective and watch out for the same thing, in your future. So I would state to you, you simply gave 9 months to a bad guy who didn't deserve you. Some women take 9 years...even 19 years...a lifetime...to learn what you did, in such a short time.
Try not to get stuck in looking for answers as to why you feel this way. You were abused..you suffered pain and now, you need to work on healing and recovering. This is the process. That is the outstanding thing that will make you stronger and special, in the long run. Commit yourself to finding the courage to saying to yourself.."I am dumping these toxic feelings..I was not to blame" and after you say that and believe it, you can then commit to a whole new attitude that makes the difference in how you enjoy your future and life.
It sounds like you respect and love your Mom deeply. As for telling her about all this, you know her best. How will she react? If it were my 18 year old daughter coming to me. with this problem..I'd hug her and tell her how sorry I am and we'd talk about it. As Waterloo states...at 18, you are considered an adult...you don't have to tell Mom you had sex with him. (she likely knows that answer..Mom's are pretty smart) Really...that is no one's business but your own. But you can tell her, how he hurt you. You need love, compassion and understanding from people who care about you. And especially from someone like your Mom..another trusted female, you love and respect. Surround yourself with family and good friends.. and allow the healing process to get underway. It's a process and it will fade away with time.
And when you have healed and recovered, you will be able to date again...of course, other males will not judge you on this sad time of your life. If a male loves you for just you, he's not going to think less of you. He'll admire you for having the gumption and courage for getting away from that situation.
You take care of yourself and if you need to be angry over this...that's okay. But take that anger..and do something good with it. Anger is energy and you need to use it to find the strength to think to yourself..."I will never allow this to ever happen to me again". My heart is with you...take care. Best wishes in your healing process. Hugs, Irish xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2008): Why do you have to tell your mum, you are 18! Stop whittling you have done it now so move on. Dont beat yourself up about it either, just put to the back of your mind and you will meet someone in the future who you so rightly deserve. But right now you are going through a bit of a downer, that is natural, we all do. Put it all behind you and get out there and meet someone else. Put this idiot of out your head for good and dont go back with him.
take care
xx
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