A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was dating a guy for a few weeks until this weekend. I wasn’t overly keen for the first month or so, but finally something clicked on the weekend and I finally let my guard down and invested. We had sex and he stayed the night. A few days later he contacted me and said he wasn’t sure of whatever it was between us so decided it was best to end it. I’m 29 and have had a serious long term relationship in the past where we’d planned our future and kids. It ended around a year ago. I’m now finding it very hard to grieve the loss of this potential relationships with this new guy. I feel like it was the first time since my long term ex that I’d relaxed in to the thought of a settled future. How do people normally deal with this loss of potential? I live alone and I’m finding it quite hard to not get anxious and panic about being aloneThanks. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (30 September 2018):
 You resisted him and then gave in and he lost interest. Its same story everywhere but you opened up physically and didnt tell him how you felt. He felt no connection. And he got the sex and left. He needed to felt inspire to be with you and he felt none of it. You didnt feel sure and didnt explain that to him openly. You had sex but didnt tell him what sex means to you. You let him break it off but didnt say your side of story. You left your voice out ! Always be honest with yourself. This isnt time to beg or persuade him back, move on and see it as learning lesson. Good luck
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2018): Frankly I don't see where the potential is in this relationship.You met a guy, you talked for a few weeks then had sex the next day the guy dumped you. Maybe his intention was just to have casual sex with someone, another notch on his bed pole. Be realistic and consider this incident a lesson learnt. A bad experience. Forget. Go out, enjoy yourself and look at the future. No point in lamenting yourself. It happens to everyone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2018): This is just a minor setback. You have yet to fully recover from the previous break-up. I see what he did. Don't let anyone take advantage of you again while you're rebuilding your life. When you can sustain a relationship with yourself, that's when you know you're ready again. Being alone is not the same as being lonely.
We've all been down this road before. You got this.
Love, M
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A
male
reader, BE125 +, writes (30 September 2018):
I am alone just like you. The culture tells us that being alone is a bad thing. What I mean is we are told that if we feel lonely we should do something to stop that feeling. Its a natural and normal feeling that everyone has. One time a friend of mine sent me a note when I was struggling with this and they said that even people who are in relationships can be lonely. Being in a relationship wouldn't guarantee that you would feel any different than you do now. I realized that I automatically assumed everyone who was in a relationship was happy, but obviously that's not true at all. If you were with someone who wasn't right for you, do you think you would feel better or worse than you do now? It's very possible you would feel worse if you forced a relationship that wasn't right for you. You are still young and have plenty of time to make a choice. Be picky, and if being picky causes you some loneliness, that's ok! It's better to take your time and feel lonely that to rush into something and feel miserable. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 September 2018):
 I can see how it sucks when you think there is potential and you let someone in, only to find that the other person decides that it's not working for them.
BUT... it happens OP.
There really isn't much to GRIEVE here. Rejection sucks. Sure, you might have spend a little while longer with him, but YOU were unsure in the beginning and perhaps he was too? Again, it happens.
I think the fact that you weren't "overly keen" the first month shows that he REALLY wasn't for you. You tried VERY hard to make it happen, and it just didn't. "Click" or no "click".
Try again. With someone else. And I have to say... if you are NOT overly keen in the beginning don't continue.
And maybe... save the sex until you are ACTUALLY in a relationship.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (29 September 2018):
 Sorry to hear this one didn't work out. Sending hugs.
Dating is all about meeting (sometimes vast numbers of) people until you meet the right one for you, the one who fits the bill and who feels the same about you. People sometimes view failed relationships as personal failures whereas, in fact, it is just how "the game" is played.
I do wonder that you hung in there when you admit you weren't "overly keen" for the first month. Many would have drawn a line under the relationship before that if they had felt that little enthusiasm. Are you perhaps hanging onto relationships out of fear of being alone, regardless of how "unsuitable" they may be for you?
Being "alone" and being "lonely" are two completely different states. You can be alone and never feel lonely, while you can be in a relationship, or with a group of people, and still feel lonely. Don't put up with second rate relationships just to save you from loneliness. Look for someone who is going to enhance your life.
What are your passions? What makes you tick? What makes your heart beat faster and makes you want to DO something? Gravitate towards those things and you will inevitably meet people with similar interests and passions.
When you meet the right one for you, you will understand why all the others didn't work out. x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2018): You have to be careful about allowing loneliness or desperation to cloud your better judgement.
People don't seem to know how to center themselves anymore. They go from one extreme to the other.
Even if you've been dating someone for a few weeks, you are getting ahead of yourself thinking in terms of a potential relationship. When I chose the word desperation above; I was referring to the popular notion that many women have when they write a post to DC; that they can expect a few good dates and great conversation will lead to a relationship. You're still getting to know each other; and no one actually knows their true feelings in a matter of weeks and a few dates. You're still in the phase of introduction and getting to know each other. Pace your feelings. Pump the brakes.
Then there's the problem with prematurely introducing sex into the picture; because people let their hormones take-over. The unfortunate outcome is, you get you got. He suddenly cools, things grind to a halt, and he feels it's not working. Sex doesn't establish that you're in a relationship. You discuss it soberly, with clear minds, and making sure you're both on the same page.
The other extreme is when people have been with someone for years, and still can't trust them. Here it is, someone devoting all their time and making every effort the can to prove themselves. Doing their best to undo hurt and damage done by their predecessor. No amount of advice or talking will straighten-out insecure people. They have to drive enough people out of their lives; before they can put two and two together. It takes experience, and developing logic.
Learning by cause and effect.
The happy medium is being patient. What's the rush? Wait for consistency in his behavior, experience the full range of his emotions, study his expressions, take note of his quirks; and you definitely need to see the full scope and range of his temper. Giving special attention to how he handles disagreement. Gauge his pride-levels. Compare values. Then relax once you've checked all the boxes.
You got far too comfortable too soon; and started seeing too far ahead of yourself about what "could be." Not seeing what is! The now! Stay in the present. Everyone has future aspirations, dreams, and goals; but it's the present that you are in command of.
You hung your hopes on something that didn't have adequate time to be established. So once he got sex, he feared you'd get clingy; so he took-off. You have to wait and see what a guy's true intentions are. You have to get past your starry-eyed daydreams of love, and see things through a clear-mind and a level-head.
What is the anxiety and panic for? You hardly know the guy.
Being dramatic or overreaction is a sign of immaturity. He didn't turn-out to be what you'd hoped he be. So dust yourself off, and write him off as one you're glad you didn't get too deeply involved with.
You can't be overly emotional over brief encounters. You need time before letting your feelings take root. Know the guy, and be discerning about how serious he is towards relationships. You were too caught-up in your expectations to see what you were actually dealing with. It's all apart of the dating scene. You'll get over this. Don't fret over it.
Don't get caught-up in melodrama. You win a few and you lose a few. It's part of the dating selection-process. You have to learn how to bounce-back and recover. This happens to all of us. When you hope you've finally met someone, and your search is over; they turnout to be a bad-apple. You have to move on, and you can't let it drag you to the bottom. You're light and buoyant, and you can float above all this. He's the loser, not you.
Shake your pretty feathers, and don't fault yourself. He just isn't worth it; and you must take a little time to regroup, and then you try again. Don't let him get under your skin, or leave any scars. He's not worth that much.
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