A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, about a year ago I lost my father to stage 4 cancer. I cry and have break downs, when I see his photo, or if I see a video of him, or if hear a voicemail he left. So, now I avoid looking at his photos and things that remind me of him. It’s just I am so heart broken and lost I just miss him so much. I am 26 years old I thought he would be here but he is not. Ny dad had cancer for years and the treatments were helping then his body started rejecting them. He then began to decay right before my eyes in a very quick manner.I do not how to cope with his death and when I do cry do it is very hard to stop. I can not afford therapy to get help I have no insurance . There were a lot of people that died in my life but nothing broke my heart like loosing my dad. I am sad he did not see me graduate from college in 2017. I have only been to my dads grave once and that was when we were buring him. My siblings have visited my dads grave but I cannot. I still feel like I am in shock I do not know how to deal with the pain. How do you cope with loosing a parent or a loved one? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2018): I lost a sister to Lupus in May this year. She is the third sister I've lost to a disease. A 4th sister died due to medical incompetence. The settlement received did not bring her back. Both my parents are now passed; and my partner of 28 years also died of cancer.
You don't get over the death of your parents and loved-ones. You learn to live with the loss; and the rawness of grief eventually subsides. Only to revisit from time to time. On their birthdays, holidays, Mother's Day, Father's day, and the anniversaries of their deaths. When you're celebrating victories and accomplishments, you have to rely on what's left in your heart of them. Knowing they would be proud and ecstatically happy for us. That you will never lose.
Death is part of the cycle of life. Everyone on the planet will eventually pass-away. You have to live-on, as they want us to. They do not want us to live in pain for their deaths. They had no choice when their time came. You have to be emotionally prepared, and develop strength; because it's going to happen to you again and again. As it has happened to me.
I cannot express in words ow much I loved each and everyone of these people. I will not say I was not overwhelmed with grief. I was paralyzed with shock; even though I knew the diseases that took my sisters and parents have very minimal rates of survival.
I am a person of faith. I have worship and the love of God to turn to; which gives me peace and the belief that death is not final. Those who are nonbelievers will simply have to deal with their losses as best they can. I owe it to my faith that I can deal with losses of any kind; because there is no hope without faith. The feeling you will never under any way possible see them again. I won't live with that belief. No way! I've been far too blessed and loved to be a nonbeliever! That's me, and I won't apologize for it!
The subconscious-mind will eventually accept the fact they are gone, and will not be back. How long it takes to recover from grief differs from person to person. It differs depending on how close the person is to you. Just because a person isn't a blood-relative doesn't mean the grief is any less for their loss. Grief is grief, and it is something we have to suffer when a death occurs. Then we must regain our strength and will; to live-on and love the living. To reinforce and double-up on the love we have for those we have left in our lives. They love us too! It fills that void!
I know each and everyone of my lost loved-ones wouldn't want me to suffer; because their time has come. My parents prepared us even from children to understand, as we witnessed the loss of our grandparents. My mother died when I was only 17. She was only 42. A brain tumor that spread. Imagine still being so young! My youngest brother was only 2 years old; and cried for her not understanding what happened! My older sister became his surrogate mom; until we got a very loving nanny. Still very much alive. Now 92!
Those with mental-illness or mental-health disorders suffer all the more; because they already have emotional and psychological-impairment; that renders them susceptible to depression, or emotional suffering far more or longer than a healthy person. Therapy and religious-faith is the way to recovery.
I still have moments I cry for them. I still dream of them. I have pictures and keepsakes. I push-on, and pull myself back together. I can't collapse; because I still have loved-ones who love and need me. I love and cherish them all the more.
As a result, I'm more mindful of how we treat each other, what we say to each-other in anger; and make sure to tell them how much I love them every single chance I get. They lost the same people I did; so I have to also be their rock and support. I was gifted to care for and comfort people; even during my own suffering. I guess that also comes from my faith.
Seek counseling from any source available. Get bereavement counseling. Seek counseling from your faith leadership; if you worship (even if you've been separated from it awhile). Pour-out your feelings with your other relatives close to you, who will also comfort you. Allow yourself time alone, and let your emotions flow. Then fight your way back. Make the tears stop. You don't give-in to distress or depression.
Live on the good memories and allow yourself to laugh and reminisce on fond and loving memories. You can't dwell on the fact they are gone; or you will never heal from loss.
You were given a natural will, and the mind is programmed to deal with losses of this nature. We live-on and do good in their memories. I'm here to comfort you and others; because I know what it feels like. I've been there.
God bless and comfort you. I will say a prayer over your post; and send you love and God's peace. Even if you're a nonbeliever, what harm will it do?
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (12 December 2018):
 The loss of your parent is absolutely devastating. Even when you know that it is going to happen(with your father's illness) it doesn't make it one bit easier. I especially feel for you because you had to watch your father suffer over time and that couldn't have been easy for you in any way. I am sorry. It just hurts and its going to hurt and sadly only time will slowly make the pain fade to the point where you can think of the person and it doesn't have the "I just got punched in the stomach" feeling.
I lost my father 5 years ago and I still miss him every single day. I can now think of him and smile although sometimes I do still break down and cry because I loved him and he was one of the few people in the world that was always there for me. I miss his guidance, his jokes and his calm presence but he is always still with me as long as I remember him.
Let yourself grieve. Its alright to cry, to miss him and to wish that he was still around just don't sink into depression to the point where you can't function ok?
Try to keep busy, do things that make you happy take your mind off of the loss. Maybe volunteer at a hospital, an animal shelter, a homeless shelter? Get involved in something new. Stay in touch with friends and family. Don't shut yourself off ok? Remember to breath...to laugh, to enjoy life. Time will slowly take the edge off of the hurt, I promise. It doesn't happen overnight, but it will get better.
You stated that you have siblings. Can you reach out to them? Chat with them, talk about memories that you share of your father? I have one sister and whenever we start missing dad really badly we call each other up and will reminisce about things that we did together as a family, my dad's funny jokes (he was extremely funny and could make us laugh so hard) and just talk about how we miss him. It helps me tremendously to be able to talk about him with someone that knew and loved him as much as me. Could you try that?
When I want to cry, I really do think of something funny or silly that my dad would say or do and I will start to laugh. It just makes me feel better. Sometimes I talk to him in my heart..even though of course I know he's not going to answer..I feel like he's listening.
Take care of yourself my dear. Your father surely would want you to be able to laugh love and go on living. Keep him in your heart and remember all the good times that you had. Please reach out to your family..it helps. I promise.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 December 2018):
 I would suggest grief counseling, if you can't afford it, I would look into online self-help groups perhaps.
Maybe even considering talking to your siblings about your dad and how you feel. They probably feel the same. They might just deal with the bereavement differently than you.
Spend time with caring people. Positive people.
Write down how you feel. Express your loss in a journal. But also write down little things you remember. POSITIVE things. If you at some point have kids, you will have stories to tell them about your dad. Good ones.
Add exercise to your life. Eat well,and take care of yourself. LIFE is for the living. You being miserable and grief-stricken won't bring him back, it's not what he would have wanted for you either.
Have patience with yourself. Some might get "over" loss faster, some are slower. There is NO set time limit for how long you can grieve.
I was like you for a long time after I lost my mother. I still occasionally cry when thinking of her. I still miss her, and I always will. She left a big old hole in my heart.
IT's OK to miss him. It's OK to wish you had had more time with him. It's not selfish to WANT him around. Remember: It takes time to fully absorb the impact of a major loss. You never stop missing your loved one, but the pain eases after time and allows you to go on with your life.
What my friend told me after the loss of my mom was this, your mom will ALWAYS be with you, part of you. 1/2 your DNA is from her. We all lose people over time. That is reality. At some point someone will lose you. Don't ignore the sadness and loss that you feel. CRYING is OK. And it helps.
Chin up. Sending you my thoughts.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2018): Coming from me hon, I lost my father at 15 to suicide then my mum shortley after of heartbreak. You never really get over it. You just learn to live with it. Please don't avoid looking at the pictures of you Dad. They are also your memories of your life with him. This will in time start to heal your heart as it will remind you of the joy your Father had on your life and you will start to celebrate him rather than mourn him.
What helped me through it was my family and friends. Openly talking about it during my bad days and good days. There is also plenty of free family bereavement groups you can join which offer all kinds of help and advice on losing a loved one. Please reach out to them hon.
What I can promise you is, it will get easier to deal with. I am now 34 years old and I still miss both my parents but now when I think of them, it's not with saddness, it's with happiness in remembering how funny they were.
I wish you all the best honey. Good luck.
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