A
female
age
30-35,
*2121
writes:Hi guys, I have been with my boyfriend now for a year and a half and I love him greatly, he treats me great and will do anything for me. The problem is, recently we have been going through are up’s and down’s. The thing is he is 10 years older than me and he is from Albania so basically their culture means you should be a good wife and not do anything that woman should not to do, i.e. drinking going out with friends etc. I have stopped going out with my friends because I feel he is worth the sacrifice and also when I had the opportunity to go out with friends I soon got bored of the endless partying. The thing is I am only 22 and I am in bed the latest by 10 pm on weekends. I just feel that I am missing out and if my relationship does last I will end up regretting that I settled down so quickly. It no because I want to sleep around, I am not like that, i just don’t want to be in bed by 10 every weekend. I have tried to get him to come out but he is just not interested in socialising and hitting the town which is fine but I am not free to do this by my self.My boyfriend has been married for 7 years and is in the process of a divorce he also has a 5 year old little girl which I love and get on with very well. We have her very often and I encourage us to spend time out together like play houses etc so I do this on every other weekend so when we don’t have his little girl I just want to have a little fun. I suggest going to a bar with friend but he will say I will not waste money on such an activity and always end up spending the night at home alone and in bed by 10. I just don’t know what to do how to you chose between love and youthfulness???There is so much more to this story but I would be here forever trying to put both side of the argument together. I have recently lost my job so I am relying on him at the moment so I cant just move out and see how things go, more than anything I probably feel trapped with no where to escape to.I do love him and I can not imagine life with out him, but I can’t meet all of his need with out making my self unhappy in the process. He will also not meet me half way so basically I should put up or shut up.I’m sorry if this all feels so jumbled but it so hard to put your life problems down in a few short paragraphs. I probably wrote this to get it off my chest as I can not speak openly to my partner about my feelings. I would be grateful if anybody could give me some advice, thanks.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (19 September 2011):
 I think the key phrase in your submittal is: "....trying to put both side of the argument together..."
You don't describe a "relationship" which HAS two sides. Instead, you have one wherein HE makes all the rules and controls your behavious - even if he does so passively...
YOU need to make a real, serious decision...... Do you want to have a life such as the one you have now? Or, do you want to have a life which is the life that you may have OUTSIDE of contact (i.e. CONTROL) of this guy. You may only have ONE life.... The decision is your's...
Good luck..
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 September 2011):
 You are living together but yet you are in bed alone? You sleep in different rooms? No couples has to sleep exactly at the same time. If he insists then you should not agree with his version of love. My boyfriend likes to watch TV before he goes to bed if when I am tired I just go to sleep without him. I don't demand that he goes to sleep at the same time as me. I understand the not wanting you to got outside part but sleeping by 10? Ideally you don't have to choose anything. Love and youthfulness can come together. My idea of youthfulness is not going to the bar, but luckily my boyfriend and I can agree with what youthfulness means to us. I am sure your Albanian boyfriend does not want to feel old and serious all the time. Try to bring out his inner youth in him, whatever that is. You just said that the endless partying can get boring. Things that are truly fun do not get boring. You need to develop a better hobby in which you can also connect with your mate. I also think that once you have a career you have more choices, such as someone who doesn't make you choose between love and youthfulness.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (19 September 2011):
Hi there. It seems like he feels insecure about you going out without him. Afraid that you might meet someone else!
Being 10 years younger than your boyfriend, you are still in the phase of your life where you enjoy going out dancing and socializing with your friends, and so you should!
He's been there and done that.
There is plenty of time for you to settle down and have children and pay off a mortgage. There's no hurry.
It seems that you have to do an awful lot of compromising to stay in this relationship. It also sounds like you are the ONLY one who is having to compromise, because it seems to be all his way and what he wants. What about what you want?
It's clear that you are already somewhat unhappy by how you feel restricted in your life.
You do need to sit down and have a serious talk to him about it, and lay all your cards out on the table. If you don't talk about your concerns, you are going to become very unhappy indeed.
You need to speak out. And he needs to know that it is making you unhappy.
If a relationship is going to work, it must be 50/50, or not at all. Give and take by both parties.
Unless you do talk to him about it - and soon - well then, the longer you leave it without saying anything, the more you will stew it over and over in your mind, until one day you might just explode at him, over a really tiny thing. Something completely unrelated. Then it will probably end at that point.
So you need to nip it in the bud as soon as possible, before it becomes a really big issue, where you walk around angry all the time - at him. Don't allow this to become resentment. Resentment, especially the longer it is allowed to continue, can often spell the beginning of the end of a relationship.
Don't delay it any longer.
Perhaps you can work something out between you. And if he won't move at all on how he feels about this, well then it might then be time to make a decision as to whether you really want to stay with him.
Think it over carefully, then decide. However, you MUST first talk to him before deciding.
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