A
male
age
36-40,
*lackjack
writes:So my previous stories tell how my ex and I got to this point. I met up with her a few weeks ago and we talked and had a pretty nice time it was a little awkward but it was ok. We got to talking and she expressed she was still angry with me for lying to her and breaking her trust and that I did not do enough for myself. Then she told me the part she was most unhappy with and mad about was the fact that she wanted to have someone care for her and be the dominant one to not so much be the bread winner and man but to provide for her, which I can understand as a need and I believed I was filling that need and had the potential to fill it even better in the future. But the one that got me the most was when she told me she felt that I had not challenged her at all in the relationship specifically emotionally. She said she felt exactly the same at the beginning of the relationship as she did at the end. This part kind of took me by surprise and I am still hung up on it a few weeks later now. We never had issues talking or being close I was always there to help her with her homework or encourage her on a test or paper she was stressed about, I would be there in what I considered an emotional level. She never really brought this up with me in the relationship at least that I saw, but she said she felt she grew herself but in the relationship but not because of anything I did. This kind of stuff hurts me because it makes me feel even worse for causing the end of the relationship but now she did not get anything out of it according to her.So my question is what do people mean when they say they need a challenge in a relationship? How can a person be more emotionally there and challenge a person in that way? I know these are kind of vague questions and it depends on the person and circumstances, but I am still hung up by what this could mean. Thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, starismine1 +, writes (27 August 2008):
 "but she said she felt she grew herself but in the relationship but not because of anything I did". This kind of stuff hurts me because it makes me feel even worse for causing the end of the relationship but now she did not get anything out of it according to her.So my question is what do people mean when they say they need a challenge in a relationship? How can a person be more emotionally there and challenge a person in that way? Whenever someone tells you that you didn't act a certain way and that's why they weren't happy in the relationship, it is code for "I am unnhappy with my life and blaming you for it". You can take 2 paths in your life: You can live it believing you are not responsible for anyone else "growing, being enriched, feeling emotionally challenged, etc. etc." which ultimately means you have to give them a source of happiness and they don't have to get it for themselves OR you can believe that the only person responsible for their happiness in life is that person and it isn't up to you to make them feel life challenges them. When you have the 2nd belief, you will find someone who appreciates you because they will be happy with their life and who they already are.
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