A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How do you all (ladies AND gentlemen) feel about "the other woman" when it comes to a relationship or marriage. SERIOUS REPLIES ONLY. I'm not talking about "the other woman" who has no idea that the guy has a wife/girlfriend. I'm talking about the ladies on the side who is fully aware that a guy has a girlfriend/wife and possibly a family at home. In my opinion, YES no one owes the wife or girlfriend any promises but the cheating man, but on the other hand it would be a lot harder for people who are in relationships to cheat if they didn't have someone to help them do it. NO! this will not stop all cheating but it just saddens me that a woman could do this to another woman and knowing all that we have to go through. NEARLY, every woman wants a man that will be faithful during good times and hard times so why be a participant in such a deep betrayal to another woman. I know someone who had the most amazing husband and they started having financial problems and they got a little disconnected and he cheated and the other lady ended up pregnant. He was married with kids and she knew this and even came into her home around her kids while she was away. She kept the baby, threw it in the wife face"saying I will always be the mother of your husband youngest child" and then when the couple reconcile in which I knew they would she curse him and inform him that he would be paying child support, would never see the baby, and would spend the money on herself and her other baby daddy. Of course, the wife wants nothing to do with her but did feel for the baby but can't seems to accept it knowing that the lady has no remorse and knew what she was getting into. What do you all think of situations like this?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (10 September 2012):
 I forgot to include that in the first two scenarios I described the women have no desire to break up a marriage. Once their lover ceases being another woman's olibigation he becomes her's and is therefore less appealing.
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (10 September 2012):
For many 'other women' married men are more desirable because they are 'unavailable'. Some prefer to preserve their own lives, their own space. A single man has far more expectations than a married man whose primary obligations are elsewhere. And married men can be threatened into not crossing the line. She doesn't have the same leverage or same excuse with a single man.
Some fear being overwhelmed by, and losing their identity to an official relationship. They don't know how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. So they either remain single or become semi involved with men who are least likely to press those boundaries.
For some there might be the ego boost though I suspect those who are in it for that boost are fewer in number than we're led to believe.
Often time these affairs start as friendships and grow into more during times of crisis. The particicpants are following their hearts, as many do in non adulterous arrangements, instead of their heads.
The vast majority of mistresses do not set out to injure others (I'm not making justifications, just answering your question). They're not even thinking of others. They do whatever FEELS good in the moment instead of THINKING about what IS good over the long haul.
'Other women' do the things they do for the same reasons everyone else does the things they do. They see a reward in it and what that reward is depends upon the woman herself. The specific reason is not a one size fits all.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 September 2012):
 EVERY guy would like to have a few "other women" - on the side - so he isn't beholding to "the Missus"....and, if she (the Missus) puts him out in the dog house, he has someplace to go and SOMETHING TO DO!!!!!
What is your question, again?
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A
female
reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (9 September 2012):
 In my opinion, the cheater and the other woman made a very poor choice and both have low self-esteem.In our life, we choose on something that works for us. Between these two (the married man and the other woman), they made a choice to have an affair because it works for them (temporarily), there is some pay off here: May it be emotional pay off, financial pay off, physical pay off or whatsoever...they do what they do because it has some pay off. If there was none, simply they will not do it.The other woman chose this kind of life and she knew what she was into but because she refused to see the truth, she deluded herself hoping the married man would fall in love with her and would choose to be with her than his wife...but it did not happen. Because she was unable to get what she wanted from him, she tried to destroy the married man's family...a form of revenge. Horrific act for me and done in a very selfish way. If we continue to deny the truth and continue to cheat on ourselves, we will end up hurt and in pain. And we have no one else to blame but ourselves.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (9 September 2012):
 I think it's an ego boost thing for many women who do this. They know this man is so in love with and attracted to this woman that he's made a lifelong commitment, so they want to "prove" to themselves that they're just such hot stuff (I'd use a nastier word than stuff) they can make him forget his vows.
It's often not just a selfish thing where she's in love with him and needs him, it's often more of a competition thing. Women are brought up to think that male approval is the single most important thing in the whole world, which is why women try to compete with other women (trying to get men with girlfriends to check them out, etc...). This is just taking that idea to the extreme.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 September 2012):
 I think (and this is a generalization of course) that women who CHOOSES to "date" married men are selfish and lazy.
They don't CARE that he has a wife, they assume that they have a golden twat that no man can resist, and that he will eventually leave his wife for her. Personally, I don't understand that mentality at all.
And when I say lazy, it's like this. The "other woman" doesn't take care of the guy, she doesn't wash his dirty sock, take care of the household, clean, cook, take care of the kids.... she just gets wined and dined and screw him.. honestly, if any women is satisfied with this it's because she is lazy and not really willing to put in an effort (IMHO). Marriage takes work. Being a "mistress" doesn't really.
I have no respect or sympathy for a women who willingly chooses to do this.
However, I still think the majority of the blame goes with the married man (or in the case that it's the wife cheating, the married woman). He CAN say no. He CAN try and fix his marriage if he isn't happy, he CAN divorce his wife... He is sitting with ALL the choices, but chooses to string along two or more women so he can get his ego stroked.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2012): I've been on both sides of the fence (though as the 'other man' rather than woman!)
When I first met my ex, she was with someone. We started off as friends, but she wanted more. I'd met her fiancee and he seemed a decent enough man. I made it clear that I didn't want to be her dirty secret and that if she wanted to be with me, she would have to end it with him first. In return I was told loads of awful stories about how she was treated. She told me that her fiancee was mentally ill, that he'd been violent towards her and her children. That he'd raped her, that he'd threatened to kill himself if she ever left etc.
In the end I did sleep with her and she left her man 2-3 months afterwards. She ended up cheating on me and going back to her fiancee. So much for him being a terrible man, who treated her appallingly! When she broke up with him again, she did the same thing over and over with different men. She's now back with her ex husband and I hear that she's not happy in that relationship either!
I guess what I'm saying is that you will only ever really hear one side of the story. The cheating partner is the one who tells you how bad their relationship is. How much they care for you etc. It seems strange that it tends to be the other man or woman though that's seen as the bad guy. For me the blame rests squarely on the shoulders of the cheater.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (9 September 2012):
 Hi
How do I feel about "the other woman"?
If a woman knowing a man is spoken for,goes into a relationship, then she is trying to take him from the wife,either permanantly or to satisfy her 'needs' for a while.
I think she is as low as you can get, and the man too. No matter what excuses they make for their behaviour it IS avoidable. When the fall-out arrives it hurts so many innocent people,often children too, and for what?
"The other woman" is more often than not left bitter and heart broken, so all the lying,snatched moments and illicit sex is paid for with a very high price tag in the end.Its what they deserve too.
If husbands are that unhappy they should be a man and leave the marriage, not disrespect their wife or drag somebody else into the mess for their own selfish needs.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your response, I still can't make sense of why any woman or person would subject themselves to such drama and how do they think this is going to end....NOT GOOD for anyone and it just puts innocent children lives in a sucky position because of adults selfish and irresponsible behaviors.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 September 2012):
She has remorse. I'll guarantee it. Why else would she throw it all in the wife's face, and go on about the child support, and ruin the baby's life for her own sake. You bet she has remorse. She obviously had a plan, thought she was going to get her way and it's not worse. And now she's been dumped and left pregnant by this married man.
I suppose one half of me says tough, she deserves it. The other half of me actually feels pity for her, because she's probably an emotional wreck to have done all this. She's not made a good decision, and it's hit her badly. I don't like what she's done, and I don't have any real respect for her because of it.
But, she's not quite as bad as the married man who willingly had unprotected sex, got another woman pregnant and has put his older children in a difficult position (one day they'll learn about this child), and put his good wife at risk of STDs and also cost her no end of money, lifestyle etc.
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