A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I really don't know what to do with this situation. I'm 21, in my last year at undergrad (pursuing my PhD), and have a 17 year old girlfriend back home who, after a very passionate end-of-summer date in August, is now three months pregnant. And she said she's keeping it, not because she's pro-life (she is, in fact, pro-choice) but because she and I have been together since she was 13 and I 17. I have every intention of making her my wife and having children with her. But not for another five years, at least.Now, don't get me wrong, we're both smart kids and I love the hell out of her and will do what I can to make things right. Unfortunately, both my parents came from a background of extreme poverty and both worked their asses off to make sure me and my younger sister get into college. I feel like I've failed them by getting my long-term girlfriend pregnant while I'm barely in the halfway point of my college education.As for my girlfriend's parents, her dad passed away three years ago (that event nearly tore us apart as a couple because she withdrew from everything, including me). And now her mom, who was formerly a stay-at-home mom, quickly got her two-year degree to keep up with the finances and was forced to continue raising two out of six kids on her own (my girlfriend is child #4). With that in mind, I'm sure her mom won't be too happy that her youngest daughter, at age 17, is the first of her kids to have a kid.To be honest, what scares the bazonks out of me is the fact that she'll still be 17 when she has my baby but I'll have just turned 22. I know, I know, what were our parents thinking when they let a 17 year old boy date a 13 year old girl (not that it matters, but we didn't start having sex until she was 15)? The thing is, and I don't know how many of you will believe me, but she was already a freshman in high school (she skipped a grade) and was ridiculously mature for her age. Which I feel is the real reason she decided to keep the baby because she knows if we work together, we can make this happen.In the end, the point of this post is wondering how we can break the news to our respective parents? How am I going to get through the rest of school when the $50k in my bank is for college and not for a baby? Will my girlfriend be able to go to college? We've already decided that if our parents are okay with how things are going for us, we're getting married the week after she turns 18 next summer.Anyway, yeah, please for some advice? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Xx-Scorpio-xX  +, writes (14 November 2012):
 Maybe she could have the baby but put it up for adoption?
A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (14 November 2012):
Who is going to pay for the baby?
Diapers are expensive! A box of around 100 is 18-25 dollars. Babies can go through 6-10 diapers a day. You will also need to buy wipes. Every 10 days you will be spending at least $25 on diapers and wipes.
If she doesn't want to breastfeed or can't breastfeed formula is incredibly costly too. I have a container of formula at my house that makes approximately 73 servings of formula at 2fl oz per serving. A baby starts out at 2-3 fluid ounces per feeding every 3-4 hours. So, it will consume 6-12 servings of formula per day (for the 1st month anyway) and the large container of powdered formula will last 6-12 days. One large container is about $25. Right before infants start on solid food, they can consume 8oz of formula every 2-3 hours. Their diaper consmption goes up accordingly.
So, $50 every 10 days on formula, diapers, and wipes.
What about doctor visits, immunizations, her pregnancy checkups and trip to the hospital to have the baby? Who will be paying for these things?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 November 2012):
 Ok yes TECHNICALLY if her parents push the issue you could be labeled a child sex offender... but seeing as they knew and approved I'm doubting the Statutory Rape Issue is going to be a huge deal. Dad will be angry, mom will cry. Your parents too as you are both "throwing your life away"
FWIW my ex husband's parents married when mom was pregnant at 19 and dad was 25.... they are still together 40 years later... My husband's mom gave birth to him at 17.....
I suggest first thing you do is GET MARRIED NOW. she can do so with parental consent. MAKE IT SO..Once she is married she becomes an emancipated minor and therefore you both have way more control over things in your life. If not then the day after she turns 18 you marry. Do not need parental consent after that and guess what... you guys are ADULTS now whether you want to be or not.
make sure she gets good GREAT prenatal care. SHE IS HIGH RISK due to her AGE alone.
She can go to school after the baby is born
and yes you will need loans now since you will need to pay for this baby... do you have a job with health care?
IF not, FIND one... and put grad school into the NIGHT school category...
YOU wanted to behave like adults.. now you have to act like one.
TAKE her parents AND YOURS out for a nice meal and break the news to them then.... (in public they won't kill you and by the time they get home maybe cooler heads will prevail)
BE a man and face the music.
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A
male
reader, notsop +, writes (14 November 2012):
 First off, It's not the end of the world. It's the end of your life as you have known it but there are going to be some amazing things happening in your life. It's not all bad. You have to take the bad with the good, I'm afraid.Second, there is no good way to tell your parents that you've got your girlfriend pregnant. They'll probably look at it as a disappointment and that you've let them down, which you have. I'm fairly certain that if you're worried about telling them this, then they didn't raise you to think this was in any way ok.Third and along the lines of the second point, there isn't going to be an easy way of telling the mom of your girlfriend. It's going to crush her and rightly so. I have a 13 year old daughter myself and it would absolutely destroy me if it was her we were talking about. Her father passing away will make it a bit easier but not much. It's hard and it's going to suck.The last thing I would like to say is that now it's time to be a man. You've been living your life doing childish things, namely having unprotected sex with your teenage girlfriend. If you decide to grow up and be a man, those days will be over. Any guy with a penis can get a girl pregnant, being a father is much, much harder. I hope that you will accept responsibility for your actions, marry your girlfriend and become a great husband to your GF and father to your child. It's not easy and it sucks but that's what I think that you should do. I too, got my girlfriend pregnant when I was about your age. And at times it really, really, really sucked. I'm still married to her after 13 years and as I have got older, the hard times become less and less of a disadvantage and more of a cement that bonds you, your wife and your kids. Good luck to you and I wish you only the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): Kc100 makes a very valid point. What were both sets of parents thinking by allowing you to date a 13 year old? They can hardly be shocked that she has ended up pregnant. Leaving aside the legal ramifications, you will just have to sit your parents down and tell them. There is no way around that. Child support doesnt need to eat into your college fund. Nor should it. Your parents worked hard for that money and it was for your education not to provide support for the results of sex with a minor. You can take on part time jobs for that and honour your parents wishes by continuing to study.
Regarding your girlfriends mother, I am sure she has already prepared herself for an `accident` to happen. The average 17 year old boy is quite sex driven, so handing her 13 year old child over to one was a recipe for disaster and she has to own that. Im only surprised it didnt happen sooner!
I hope things work out okay for the baby`s sake but i think it will require a lot of hard work on your part and that of your girlfriend. And i sincerely hope you dont find yourselves in the same position as your own parents in another 16 years.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (14 November 2012):
 You have to thin about the statutory rape issue first - doctors, midwives and counsellors are going to get involved seen as she is under 18 and chances are the authorities might get involved due to her age, and that is where you run the very real risk of getting locked up for this, you are a lot older than her in the eyes of the law and wont look upon you favourably. You were having sex with her aged 15 when you were 19, that wont go down well I'm afraid. I would look at speaking to a lawyer or someone with good knowledge of underage sex law in your state, because this could end up a lot worse than you ever imagined.
Putting that aside, there is no good way to tell your parents. Her mother is going to be gutted, there is no way to avoid that. This will be a huge disappointment to her, her daughter was stupid enough to get knocked up at 17 and has now thrown her life away - nothing you can say to her mother is going to change that. You are just going to have to be honest, she is 3 months pregnant now so she will start showing soon so its better to tell her sooner rather than later before she guesses.
Same for your parents, you are just going to have to get on with it and tell them. Again there is no good way to do it, you have failed them but then again they failed you by allowing the relationship between a 13 year old child and a 17 year old. Both sets of parents were incredibly stupid to allow that relationship to start when she was so young, and to allow you to have sex 2 years later, so in a way they have brought this upon themselves.
I know if I had a 13 year old daughter there would be no way on earth she would be allowed to date a 17 year old boy, and if I were the mother of the 17 year old boy I would never allow him near such a young child. I wouldnt want my child to get locked up for statutory rape, so that would be the end of it. So part of this is your parents fault, thinking about it I doubt they will be that surprised this has happened. Teenagers having sex with teenagers always leads to bad things. Although I'm sure they will have expected you to be a bit more intelligent than this and use protection, unprotected sex is about as stupid as you can get.
As for your education, I'm afraid you are a father now so the child has to come first. The money you have for your education will be sucked up by the child in a couple of years, so I think you are going to have to quit college and get a job so you can earn some money, get a house for you and your girlfriend and provide a stable home for the child. You cannot expect her mother to allow her daughter and the child to live there and her pay for it, it sounds like her mother has enough on her hands with 6 kids, she cant afford to support another baby and it would be unfair of you to expect her to do so. Hence it falls to you to step up and be a man. You got her pregnant, you failed to use contraception so you have brought this upon yourself - you have to accept the consequences and make a home for your teenager and her baby.
She cant work or study when she has a newborn baby, and she wont get a job when she is pregnant, so you are going to be the sole breadwinner for the family. I cant see any other solution to this mess other than quitting college and getting a job, neither of your families can afford to pay for a house for you and your girlfriend plus baby, pay for the baby (they are SO expensive) and pay for you through college too. That is just too much to ask from any parent, so your only choice is to quit and get a job yourself so you can support your new family.
I very much doubt your girlfriend will be able to go to college to be honest. She is going to start missing a lot of school while she is pregnant with doctors appointments, and in the latter stages of pregnancy she will not be able to focus on much as she will be tired and uncomfortable. I imagine she would probably have to re-take the year if she goes back to school after the baby is born. But if you are at college or working, then who is going to look after the baby? Her mom cant do it because of her job, your parents sound very busy with work too, and you wont be able to afford childcare, so your girlfriend will have to be a stay at home mom. Without any money for childcare and no grandparents to help out she isnt going to be able to get a job or go to college, so she wont have any skills for the future.
By having this baby you are pretty much writing off your futures and resigning your lives to crappy low paid jobs with no progression. I know this isnt what you want to hear, but you were stupid enough to have unprotected sex, and now you have been stupid enough to choose to keep a baby that you cant afford and cant give a good future. You are just going to be another dead end couple working to make ends meet just to keep food on the table for your kids. You will be grandparents by the time you're 40 I bet.
Sorry for being harsh but you need a wake up call, you think you are smart but the pair of you sound like typical dumb kids who havent thought this through. Your reason for keeping the baby is absurd, do you think the baby is going to care that you have been together 5 years? Or do you think it would prefer a happy mom and dad who are not struggling every day for money, and unhappy because they never got to fulfill their dreams of college and good careers?
It is irrelevant because she is 3 months gone and it is too late really for an abortion, you are keeping this kid so you better find a job fast, get a house sorted out for you and your family and come clean to your parents ASAP. And talk to a lawyer about the statutory rape issue, it could get a whole lot worse if you are in prison when your girlfriend gives birth - you will have a criminal record and may never work again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): I don't know why chi girl mentioned rape.. Look your parents were rather naive if foolish allowing you both to date, I don't know if they knew you were having under age sex?
But wrong or right, you two are going to have a baby.. First of there no easy way to tell your parents believe I've been there, I have three kids our first is 19 and we got together when I was 14 teen and I got pregnant at 17teen too.. Having a baby does put a lot of burden on your shoulders and you both need to tell your parents as soon as possible, both together.. So that that they know that you are both serious about each other and your future..
So it's bite the bullet, and be calm and collected.. My mother was a godsend and yes we had made a mistake in getting pregnant early, but the baby was wanted and very munched loved.. Money was tight at the beginning but we made it through and got an education as well, I'm a mental health nurse and my husband a. Charge hand.. So a baby doesn't need to keep you back, we waited 15years after our son before we had our daughter and another 3 before having our last another girl..
You both need your parents on board here, they have the maturity that you both need, that doesn't mean you don't have to keep the baby.. Make sure they know that the baby is very much wanted and that you both will be responsible not to have baby willy nilly, that this one will be he only one until you are both up on your feet and much more settled..
Please keep us posted and do go together to both your parents to break the news, after my mother got over the shock, I was her youngest too, she sighed and smiled and said well there much worse that coulda happen than having a baby, she would allow one surprise lol but two too soon would be a NoNo .
So you see the world doesn't have to stop revolving you just have to have a good plan and stick to it . Do not give up your education..
Take care..
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 November 2012):
 What are your thoughts about statutory rape? Have you looked into possible consequences there? I would advice you to consult with an adult. Even though you are 21 it is evident that you are not old enough to handle all of this alone. And her being under age, you really do need to find legal help. Perhaps you will get away from this, but if you don't then her being pregnant will just be one of your concerns.
I would suggest you talk to another adult who is not your parents. You need to tell your family later, yes, but first I suggest you get guidance from another adult. Perhaps a school councellor. You came here to ask us advice, however we're just strangers online. You need a real live adult who can actually help you out and help you figure out where to go and who to talk to.
Unfortunately, your situation now isn't easy. Having children at this age, in this situation, where you have no money, where she in underage... It is going to be very difficult, and make a difficult life for the two of you. Chances are, you will end up like your parents, being without money, being without an education. Then again, if your girlfriend agrees to give up her education and work instead, she might help you finish college.
But all of this comes second, right now you need to sort out the legal aspect of this.
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