A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Me and my fiance have been together three years and we love each other very very much. we used to have sex alot and now it seems we hardly ever have sex? I am blamminh myself it really makes me feel insure and causes other problems I have discussed this with him but nothing changesI I know he is not cheating cause we arwe together other than work He gets hourly pay so his time and money is right and he dosent work with girls so i know thats not the problem there arent any different numbers on the phone bill so have i done something or what can i do to change this around before we hit a train wreck? Someone help me please!!
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (12 October 2010):
Hi there. Relationships do evolve over time.
At first when everything is new, there is naturally a lot more sex - for the first 6 to 18 months or maybe two years maximum.
Then as is often the case, life seems to get in the way - bills, mortagages, keeping house and the costs involved with that, so many things. It's never intentional, it just simply happens with time. It's quite normal - it's nothing you have done. It's just the different phases of a relationship as time goes by.
With all this happening, some of the spark of newness fades a bit, and reality sets in. It's no longer a fairytale as it is in the beginning. It's just not possible for it to remain that way forever.
However, it is very possible to improve the situation on a daily basis by making more effort. Things such as:-
(1) Doing nice things for each other to show that you care.
(2) Making him nice meals.
(3) Keeping yourself looking nice - well groomed, dress nice when you go out together.
Then there's things like:-
(1) Not nagging or being sarcastic, or criticising each other.
(2) Always being positive and supportive of each other.
(3) When you speak to each other, show kindness, love and respect to the other always.
(4) Whenever you talk about issues you have with each other, make them feel good about themselves, don't pick at them or try to tell them how to live their lives.
(5) When you talk to each other, really listen to each other while looking into each other's eyes, and giving them your full attention - instead of yelling from opposite sides of the house.
(6) When you say hello or goodbye to each other, a kiss, smile and a nice hug. It does feel so nice.
(7) Put some fun into your time together, go to nice places and do something different that's fun - just for a change.
(8) Don't take each other for granted, by just assuming they should know you love them without your showing it.
(9) Make each other feel appreciated and that you are glad you are with them, and that you have chosen the right one to share your life with.
(10) Have some time separate from each other - to visit friends, pursue a hobby or interest etc. One day a week for say a couple of hours maximum. This gives you both some space, this is important and adds a breath of fresh air to the relationship, so it doesn't go stale.
As you are both middle aged, you are probably feeling a little less like sex than you would in your 20's for instance. So this is another thing to consider as well. It's quite normal.
It's nothing you've done, what it really is, is a case of your relationship evolving into a different phase as all relationships do over a period of years.
So if you don't at the moment have any hobbies or interests of your own (individually), try to find some activities that will add zest to your lives. The more interesting and exciting you make your individual lives, the more interesting you both become, and as a consequence the more interesting and fun, your whole relationship will become. More sex will probably follow.
I hope this helps you. Take care and best wishes.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): Talk frankly, openly, and don't accept "not talking" as acceptable.Get a counselor involved if talk is problematic, or not fulfilling.If there is not drive on his part, then see a physician, there may be medical problems, or even medications may be causing problems.
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