A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How do we regain that lost friendship so that everything else can fall into place to regain that bond?We have been together for two years and three months, very young relationship but have been through a lot together. Living together, we shared everything, big and small and it was wonderful. We live apart now, still in love but have lost the most important part of us; being friends, best friends and as a result, many other things are lost too, we no longer share things, conversation has become boring. He is intelectually bored with me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Namatjira
He has sent messages of apologies to me this morning. I asked if 'we' could be saved. He agrees that we need to sit and talk but he also added the fact that personal traits on both our sides have to change and that we should just 'knuckle down and get them done'. He has a bad habbit of constantly refering to the past and says I have the same bad habbit of dwelling on the future. He said we should sort out these personal traits once and for all because 'you don't want a failure for a husband, and I don't want a housewife'. I thought that my independance would have shown him already that I am not the housewife type. Next month I go away for three weeks and return with a qualification that will get me work, the same qualifications he wants and is still procratinating in getting. Does he not have faith at all in me or is he seeing a mirror image of himself in me. Nothing in the world is going to stop me from doing the course, I have already booked my place and paid for it. How can he still believe I may land up being nothing more than a housewife when I am going to be doing the course and am already holding down a job, have my own place and can financially support myself?? I just don't understand what is going on in his mind.
Thanks so much for all your replies, it is nice to have someone to talk to about this.
A
male
reader, Namatjira  +, writes (4 April 2008):
Hi,
At least you have been able to work out what has changed and the path that led there. Just consider the novel idea that you do not have to regain something that was lost. Imagine yourselves getting to know each other for the first time again and let the past be like a faded dream.
Do the things you would do in getting to know someone and do not assume that because you knew each other before that you know each other now. You are now different people.
Your new independence will have made some major changes not all of which will be obvious. Do not criticise them, just get used to them..... and each other...... all over again.
The fact that in the past you got on so well is a good hope that it will be possible to be that close again, just that aspects of it may be different.
If at the end of the day he cannot cope with the new you, then let that be his problem and not yours. You move on and build fresh dreams of your own. With who you are now you will be able to find a guy who will complement you and who will fall as deeply in love with you as you with him.
You are much better for being independent and happiness with someone you feel at home with is possible and the likelihood of that if anything has increased.
Good luck and feel free to message me if I can help more.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Namatjira.Things went wrong initially due to family troubles, my family (parents, but especially mother) are not the best. We left that huge strain behind and moved miles away. Since then, he has been living with his mom, and me on my own. Theplan was to be here temporarily then move to the bush together and start our lives and careers together (working with wildlife), a passion we share. In living apart, the sharing slowly faded, sharing plans, ideas solo activities. Then conversations faded -real conversation. Now joint activities have faded too. Has taken about a year for all this to happen. His intitial problem with me was lack of independence, ability to drive. I now have full independence (ie, job, own place, pay my own way) and the driving has started. It's the conversation, lack of sharing etc that has been the problem. He emphasis the intellectual boredom in conversation.We have now agreed we need to talk about this and find a solution. But I don't think we know HOW to do all this, regain what we lost.Regards,Danushka
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A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (2 April 2008):
Do you know the point at which it changed and the special quality was lost? If not you will have to do some soul searching to try and work this bit out because if you cannot figure out what went wrong then it is really hard to repair it.
All the best.
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