A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend had an argument about 5 weeks ago now as I found messages on his phone to other girls.Messages like 'Hey Sexy', a picture of a girl with no top on and his reply was 'now thats hot' and other stuff.We had a chat and we both didn't want to let some silly texts break us up, we're not that weak and I want our relationship to work. He said he knows he has to do whatever it takes to gain his trust again and even if that takes 6 months, a year he will do it because he was stupid and he loves me and only me. Since then he has been showing that he loves me, however I have been having dreams that he has been texting other girls and I don't know why. Any help or tips or previous experience on how to re gain and re build his trust again?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 December 2014):
 I agree with YouWish
YOU need to get to the "bottom" of WHY he did it and WHY he thought it was OK to do while in a relationship. And DO NOT accept a "I don't know" or "I didn't really think"... excuses.
It is up to YOU to figure out what YOU need from HIM to start trusting him again. And HE... needs to provide that, HE needs to DO the majority of the "work" when it comes to EARNING your trust back.
One thing I like to point out, is that you might NEVER trust him 100% again. Not in 12 months or 3 years. Trust is a funny thing. Once it has been "tainted" it's REAL hard to rebuild. YOU can not take it on faith that he is sincere, but you BOTH have to find ways to DO just that.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 December 2014):
 Did he explain WHY he did it?? And, who are these girls he was doing that to? Where did he know them or meet them or see them??
If it were my husband doing that, those are the questions I'd be asking, and I wouldn't accept "I don't know why I did it". If he truly didn't know why, we'd both be in counseling to find out why, because if the root cause isn't addressed, he'll do it again.
Of course he'll do whatever it takes to regain your trust, but finding out what drives him to do that stuff is the biggest issue. If you stop at him showing you he can be trustworthy, it's like only pulling the top of the weed out and leaving the root. It'll eventually grow back, and possibly worse than before.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2014): 'we both didn't want to let some silly texts break us up'
Firstly they were not just silly texts. They were part of systematic betrayal and deceit on his part. If anything, it's even worse that he found it worth it to risk breaking your heart, risk losing the trust in the relationship and risk losing the relationship together. Those texts show you how much priority he places on your relationship. A pair of naked boobs is worth losing you is what his actions say.
Secondly, just because you've forgiven it doesn't mean you forget. Experience makes you wiser so only consistent trustworthy behaviour will justify you trusting him again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2014): Hey, I've been through something very similar recently. Caught my boyfriend flirting with other girls and I found out he slept with his sex when me and him first got together. I have been working on the trust since September, it is still difficult even after 3 months but it takes time, time will heal the pain you're feeling.You need to express how you feel to him, let him know how much he hurt you. The communication between you two should be completely transparent and he should tell you everything he is feeling and you should do the same.Talking does help because if he can show you and express in words that he cares and loves you. You will find it easier, and it will hell you through the trust process.There are days where you may feel like you can't trust him, or you'll be thinking about what he did, but honestly, the best thing to do is talk it out. Doesn't matter if you're repeating the same thing over and over, he hurt you and you should be able to express yourself anytime, no matter if its the same thing. As for the dreams, they will go, unfortunately that's something that cannot be controlled, however don't focus on that. When you wake up do something to brighten up your day so you don't remember those dreams. Again, that's what I did.Just stay strong because it will get better. Just make sure you make your expectations clear to him and he's willing to obide by them. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2014): If you really want to work things out, give him a chance. Be open minded.My husband, when he was my boyfriend of a couple of months, replied to his long gone ex-girlfriend's email. When I read it (he used teh computer we shared and didn't try to hide it) i was really upset. I called my friends to vent, I cried, I wanted to leav ehim beacuse I felt like second-best.What I failed to see at the time is that they broke up suddenly (she left him) and he never had ay closure. FF ten years down the road, we're married and my ex-boyfriend (I really thought at the time he was the love of my life) contacts me and more or less says that he made the biggest mistake of his life when he let me walk away. I undesrtood why my then boyfriend now husband had the need to write back. I did too. The only difference is that I told him everything and didn't do it behind hsi back. In my case both times it was really about closure. Neither of us was working to reignate old flames nor to find new ones by sending naked pics and calling someone sexy/hot.
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