A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:This sounds snotty, but there's this girl who is constantly trying to butt in to our group of friends even though we try to give her kind hints that she really just doesn't fit in. At first, we tried to give her a chance. She sat down with us at lunch one day and even though it was weird, we couldn't really say, "Go away" because we felt bad for her. She really doesn't have friends and she's just lonely and since she's nice, we feel bad she gets picked on but we can see why too. She is *clueless* about most things we talk about. Everytime we bring up a TV show or movie or band/singer she's like, "who's that?" "what are you talking about?" Most of it is her parents, they're REALLY strict about what she's allowed to watch. When we wanted her number, she gave us a GROUND phone because her parents won't let her or any of her siblings have a cell phone and she's got a 20-a-day limit and they're always right there. This one girl in our group came over once and wasn't allowed past the living room or dining room.We do stop and explain things to her, but it's annoying to have to keep interrupting the conversation all the time and it's the same with fashion, books, or things people said they did with their boyfriends. I mean: we had to stop and explain to her that yes, when you have a boyfriend, you make out with him. She genuinely looked horrified and said, "Well, then I guess I don't want a boyfriend then. I guess I'll just date around when boys ask me out" (What?!) She *is* really pretty, but she isn't allowed to wear makeup or cut her hair so really doesn't do anything with herself.We did invite her to hang out a few times, to the mall or just to Arby's but her parents wanted to invite our parents out to dinner and "lay down the ground rules" most of which were abotu how if she was going to watch TV or play on the Internet or anything, they should call her parents and have them pick her up. No overnights etc. So basically, she's pretty boring but that's not her fault because we DID want to be able to explain life to her a little. I mean, she's even said she's worried about college because there's so much she doesn't know and she doesn't want to have "bad things" happen to her. Our parents even thought that was stupid and were pretty pissed her parents were trying to tell them what to do so they said she could watch/listen to whatever she wanted when she was over and that they wouldn't tell. My dad even took us all to a bar that we always go to to play pool and have dinner (he does this all the time) and the girl was really excited because it was her first bar.But seeing her more than once in awhile is WAY too much because honestly, it's embarrassing how clueless she is and she keeps basically getting us in trouble. One day, we went to the mall and decided we wanted to go drive over to this guy's house for a little bit. She FREAKED out when we were on the way over there because we were "in the country" and because we didn't ask her permission to go anywhere but the mall and she was going to get in trouble and all that. She practically demanded that we let her use one of our phones so she could call her parents (um, no!) and we had to go BACK to the mall and basically not see the guy. Well, she did tell her parents and they called our parents and just told them that they didn't want their daughter to "associate with us". NOTHING happened but my parents came down really hard on me like I did something awful (um, no sex or drugs were going to be around) and insisted that if they were that upset about it, more must have been going on. (It wasn't!)We were fine with that, because the girl stopped sitting by us but she was being picked on so badly that she was skipping lunch so we felt bad and asked her to join us again. But now, everytime we say we're going somewhere or talk about going somewhere, she shows up, pretty much assuming she's invited. it's gotten to where we can't talk about going to a game or the mall without her being there with her parents or her brother and then joining us (usually with them) which means we pretty much have to watch everything we say and do. A lot of the time, we're going to those places so we can go meet up with someone else somewhere else and that girl makes that pretty much impossible, I mean she ruins our plans! I don't know how many times someone had to cancel because she was just hanging around and hanging around.When she DOES find out there was a party or someone did something with their boyfriend, she tells her parents and they call OUR parents. it's like she's harrassing us somehow and it's really getting annoying! One of the girls had said something about how she smoked pot with her boyfriend and she had been eavesdropping and decided to write a letter to our principal. It got blown WAY out of proportion and our lockers got searched. Now I can see why she has no friends. We want to drop her, to basically tell her to go away, but then we get in trouble for that at school because she has the "right" to sit wherever she wants at lunch or to go to games.How do we get her to back off already? She's not really a mean, vindictive person but she is sure causing a lot of trouble!
View related questions:
drugs, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2014): let me get this straight. you blamed her. you said she listened in on a convo and told the principle. if you're not sure if it was her, then why did you say she wrote a letter to the principle? i think you're just being really mean. its not her fault that she was raised up like this. besides, its nothing bad. as iAmHereToHelpYou said, she's just brought up to be honest and nice, and hiding things from your parents isn't exactly good. but yeah, there are some things you'd like to keep from your 'rents.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2014): eah, I guess that it COULD of been someone else who told on my friend for smoking weed but we think it was her. We pretty much just can't do anything that would get us in trouble or even talk about it around ehr because then she'll tell. I dont think she's trying to be mean, that one poster was right when she said that some people feel they're just as guilty if they dont tell. So now we just have to talk about it when she's not there but she never freaking leaves!Its frustrating because most of the stuff she's cluesless about, it's like, "How can you not know that?!" but yeah, her parents don't let her do a whole lot of anything so she won't know. It IS sort of dangerous for her because when she does go to college, she could get raped or something because she wouldn't know what a guy is after. or she'll get too drunk because she won't have an experience and won't know her limits which is what everyone learns in high schoolIts mostly that when shes around we feel like we have a cop or an extra parent there and thats annoying because sometimes we do want to talk about private things and its not even BAD but it looks like it because we didn't tell our parents. And sometimes, we just go somewhere spontaneously and it's not like we're causing trouble, we're just having fun. I will pull her aside and tell her that we're not doing anything BAD and that she doesnt have to worry or tell on us all the time Or, we'll make plans without her and hope she doesnt hear about it and try to join us
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 February 2014):
 It sounds like her parents are doing a version of the "tiger mom" thing.
http://amychua.com/
I don't agree with keeping a teen that sheltered but it's her parents choice. And as a teen YOU need to respect her PARENTS choices. This is not anything she's any happier about I'm sure.
I agree with IamHereToHelpYou.
Taking her away from the mall and NOT telling her where you were going was WRONG. THEN to not let her use your phone to call her parents, this upset her how cruel of you.
If you know she's unaware of things you should be kinder not meaner. don't be mean girls to the outcast. Think of the movie Carrie.. how cruel they were to her and all she wanted was to have friends. HOW WOULD YOU FEEL if YOU had no friends... and the only people you could hang with didn't want you either?
IF you are doing nothing wrong according to your parents rules then her parents calling YOUR parents should not be an issue... perhaps it's because you guys are doing things that you don't want your parents knowing about (sex or drugs or GASP rock and roll).....
and I have a land line. I also have a cell phone. LOTS of people have land lines still... doesn't make us uncool at all.
Having your lockers searched because you are using illegal drugs (or alcohol or tobacco underage) seems appropriate. I do not think that teens should be using any drugs or alcohol.
Parents do their best to raise their children properly. Some parents are more controlling and involved than others.
IF you have a parent that does not care at all it's bad. If you have parents that are overly protective and controlling that's not a great thing either as going away to college (if she's even permitted) becomes a huge shock to your system.
what happens if you take her into your confidence and befriend her? tell her "can you keep this a secret? we don't want our parents to know?" even about stupid stuff. if she says "I have to tell" well then you can say "ya know as teens we like to keep some things private from our parents and in our families that's allowed, since you are not comfortable with that, it's probably better if we don't hang out together any more."
no need to be mean, just let her know that you have nothing in common with her.
When you all go back for your 20th reunion I'm betting she'll be doing great.
...............................
A
male
reader, DragonMan  +, writes (19 February 2014):
 Greetings,Such a complex little relationship you have here.It is hard to blame her naturally for her parents insecurities and she honestly is trying to reach out for those that can help her subconsciously. Ask yourself why you invited her into your group into the first place.I don't normally say this as I must respect a parents judgement over their children and considering that I am only reading your side of the argument I would be hesitant to say otherwise.However maybe you need to sit her down on her own, just you as you seem to the one concerned and talk to her about this. Tell her how you feel.Maybe once you've cleared some ground with her you'll find out why she keeps coming to you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2014): Why don't you stop thinking about yourselves, and try to see it from her point of view? She's probably oblivious to what troubles you're having, and just thinks you're great friends. What would she be like when you drop her? But, you could talk to her, and explain that you know she's trying to protect people by stopping them from doing anything dangerous, but she really ought to think about her own life, not others'. Tell her, that thats the reason she's getting picked on. Tell her that not everyone's like her, and people just like to live their own lives. If she has a problem with that, then she really should leave you alone. But if you really, really want to exclude her, maybe you and your other friends could meet up secretly, and have chats without her. Maybe at your houses. If she follows you after school, thinking that you're all going to be together, then tell her you're not. Go home for a bit, and make up some excuse that you have to do your homework. Then all get together without her knowing.Just keep doing that until she finds out that you guys have been meeting secretly. Then she'll probably ask why you didn't tell her when there were meeting up plans, and you could tell her you forgot. Just keep doing that, and she should back away. But, bear in mind, it might not work. Nothing might work, and you might have to get used to her. There's this guy in our friendship group who's sooo annoying. He's still with us, 'cos we can't get rid of him. Also, one of our girlfriends fancies him 'cos he's "hot"! ur''' yeah right! But we tried to look at it from his point of view, and kinda started understanding him. He doesn't seem all that bad now. A bit annoying at times, but you know.
...............................
|
