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male
age
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anonymous
writes:My wife and I are in our mid to late 40s and have been married for almost 20 years and have one son who is ready to be on his own feet. Our BIG problem is that we do not have any friends. In fact no one wants to be friends with us. We have tried to analyse the situation from various angles but cannot find any particular reason for this behaviour from people. Both of us are educated and can talk on topics which the other person has an interest in. We have also hosted a few parties and invited people over - but people do attend the parties and then everything goes quiet after that. No one ever telephones us or invites us. We try and maintain contact with people but no one ever reciprocates. Initially we thought maybe something is wrong with our attitude or with what we talk, but have now realised that no matter how/what we try and do, no one wants to be friends with us.There is nothing else that we believe we can do now to solve this problem. The result of all this is that my wife and I are always together and there is virtual no social life. We are migrants into a third country and do not have any relatives in the country where we live. We get along well with each other and are a good company to each other but at times do feel that we have to have some kind of social life. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Gherkinsaregrim  +, writes (20 May 2011):
Join clubs to meet people with similar interests.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): I don't have anything deep to say, but I wonder if perhaps the problem is that you might expect quite a lot of commitment quite early?Many people are extremely busy these days. Jobs, voluntary work, kids, parents, all kinds of commitments can get in the way of socializing. Throwing a dinner party can seem like a major feat of organization when you work hard, not to mention the fact that it's also really expensive (and in the current times, that might be a problem for some). People may want to invite you back, but simply not have the time or resources. Perhaps they go silent not because they are avoiding you, but because they are simply embarrassed that you have been so wonderful and hospitable to them and they haven't returned the favour.How about trying something a little more low key? I don't know where you are based, but here in Britain a lot of socializing centres on the pub. People of all ages and all backgrounds go out and have a quick drink after work. Sometimes they might go on somewhere for a meal too. But it's all very casual and informal... and often very disorganized! (In other countries, it might be cafes that take on this function.) Maybe start smaller - with a casual drink or two, and only invite people for dinner once you know them a bit better?
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reader, Drew21  +, writes (20 May 2011):
 I'm really interested in this thread and how you make out, Anon!
I have kind of a similar situation in my life. It frustrates my wife to no end. She likes to be a social butterfly, and is really good at making friends on her own. However, anytime she tries to do a COUPLES thing, i seem to always cause it to bomb.
I blame the environment i was raised in. My parents very rarely had friends. My mother became close with our gossipy next door neighbour, but i think that's because the gossipy next-door neighbour loved to get any dirt she could on anyone to gossip with other people on our street over.
My father? He was a workaholic. He came home and spent time with us as kids and that was about it. Briefly he went to some sporting events with a guy he worked with, but that guy got a job in another country, moved away and that was it. I think i am a lot like him.
For the life of me i can't figure it out. I just have some form of social anxiety. I am just not good in a room full of people. I just feel like i don't have anything in common with the people she asks me to associate with.
At any rate, i'd love to hear if you have any success with this! Maybe i can take some pointers!
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (20 May 2011):
 Not knowing you and how you relate to others, how you appear and how you converse with those people I may have to think of things that could apply, but may not apply. Please be forgiving if I mention things that do not apply. But if you do find something that rings true then I hope my words will bring you some improvement.
You are immigrants living in a country that is not your birth country.
Do either of you have strong adamant opinions? That can empty a room. Such opinions polarise people and will lose you potential friends.
At the moment you think you have done all that is possible to make the effort to make new friends. But that cannot be so, since so far you have not made new friends. so these must be other options.
Is Language an issue? Do you need to learn another language or dialect to be able to communicate better with others? If so start by learn how to pronounce the words at first, rather than how to spell the words. And make it a priority to learn "please, thank you, good morning and good evening" first. Learning to speak the main language well enough to be understood is a great compliment to pay to the people you live amongst.
You are both well educated and well read. And you feel that you can talk on topics that people are interested in. But do you want to know the topic most people would like to be the subject of the conversation? It is themselves and what they are doing in their lives, not yours. So the most wanted guest at any function is not the one who can talk on any subject. It is the one who can listen to anyone and listen fascinated by that person and be delighted and happy to hear what they are doing in their lives and how their children are getting on. A very good listener who is not judgemental towards other people is indeed a very very valued guest by any hostess.
People remember how you made the FEEL. Not what information you gave them. Not what opinions you offered to them. Not what judgements you made on what they are doing or not doing. Not how much better things can be done elsewhere.
Another things that makes people feel better are people who have great EMPATHY to notice who wants the conversation to veer off in another direction. Or who needs to be treated with kid gloves because they are hurting inside.
People do not want solutions they want UNDERSTANDING and support.
If you treat every new person you meet starting from now as if they may be facing their biggest battle ever then you will never be envious of them nor will you ever need to bignate to them or show off to them or tell them how they could fix themselves up. Instead you will just LISTEN to their story and let them feel suppported and safe and welcome and ABLE TO TRUST you with their story. Safe in the knowledge that what they do share with you is CONFIDENTIAL.
Another issue is formality versus informality. You cannot force friendships. Is there an Ex-Pat community in the country? A group of like minded people you could join? Does Rotary operate in the country? Could you join that?
Often people are most comfortable in the most informal atmosphere. That means summer. Time to put on a relaxed barbeque. formal meals are just too much work. Maybe people admire that you were able to entertain well, but feel that they are not able to entertain as lavishly. You may be trying too hard.
Now the next bit is very difficult to raise. But it must be put on the table too. Body odor. Garlic smells. Nicotine smells. Strong cheese smells? Hair washed daily? odor liners in your shoes, changed monthly. Deoderant always applied? Body washed at least once a day. Rooms aired. clothes only ever worn once? Believe it or not but body odor is the one thing no one will tell a person they seek to distance themselves from. It is probably not an issue. But IF I left out this one very very big issue I would be remiss. Just burst out laughing at my ignorance if i am wrong.
Take it slowly. Get talking to people at the markets where you shop. Keep your ears out for public functions that you can attend where there will be many many people.
Try to adopt some of the local customs.
Your birth country? Can I assume it is Austria? But are the customs and the food eaten in your country vastly different in this new country to what you are used to? This is a good opportunity to immerse yourselves in new customs and new experiences. Deep down we are not all that different. We all have words for "happy, sad, tall, short, sit, walk, talk". We each just pronounce the words differently in each country.
Get to know your new country and appreciate all it has to offer. Historical sites, history, geography, past experiences, natural wonders. This will also earn you many brownie points with the locals and those who emigrated but have now become locals.
You are not turning your back on your country, you are just embracing life and showing respect towards the people in the country you are living in now.
Are there potential
There are potential friends everywhere. Although I cannot guess what your work entails are there any community programs that might enjoy a couple of new volunteers?
I do hope something above struck a chord. Also try to have trust in your hearts that you will overcome these difficulties. Because we all need friends. It makes life so much more fun and the experience of living so much richer.
Best wishes
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (20 May 2011):
 Hi
Do you think it maybe possible that are you are both being too nice to peolpe? sometimes when people are trying to hard to be nice all the time it can put people off them, or even give them the go ahead to abuse your kindness i.e coming for parties to get free drink and food, but then not bothering after. I understand this may be hard on you both , as being with eachother 24/7 can be a little suffocating. Why dont you suggest to your wife that you both start to go out more often, you know like seperately , have your own hobbies i.e going to the gym, maybe play a little golf, or something else that you both might like to do on your own. This way your both getting your space from eachother, enjoying what your doing, and along the way you will meet new people and make new freinds.
I hope this has helped :)
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