A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a 22 year old male, and I have been dating my girlfriend for over a year and we never had any big issued or disputes till yesterday. She invited me over to her place after going to the mall and threw me out, hurting my feelings, simply because she was in a bad mood and decided she wanted alone time instead after having me drive 25 plus miles to come see her. She also has begun to not desire physical affection rather regurally, saying she is feeling like she is trapped or claustrophobic at times if I don't stay far enough away for her to freely move around her upper body. Both her tendencies to occasionally push me away physically or simply pushing me out the door when its conveniant for her hurts my feelings and makes me feel unwanted and unloved. She doesn't seem to understand why, and wishes I would be content with just being in the same room with her, and not feel the need to be close to her every time I visit. She seems to think, and I have to agree we communicate love differently, she does so verbally/emotionally while I am very physical in doing so, if she would let me I would be happy to cuddle her or hold her hand most of the time we have together each week. I enjoy being close to her and being in physical contact with her. But she can't deal with this some days and it makes me feel rejected. Like I am not making her happy anymore. As she used to welcome such contact all the time. How do we deal with our communication differences when it comes to expressing love for each other, be it physical or emotional/verbally? How do we find a workable level of communication we are both comfortable with that doesn't make the other uncomfortable?Thanks for any help you can give.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust going to post an update on this for those who were involved. I started to try to accept her needs physically, but things never changed for the better. Gradually as was stated by one of the aunts in this thread things just kept getting worse, she became more and more physically distant and it eventually leached into our sex life. Our sex life started to suffer both in quantity and quality, she began saying she simply wanted it to be spontaneous and unplanned but with our schedules and life style that was almost impossible. Sex became rare, during the last several months of our relationship we had sex maybe twice. She started almost never reaching orgasm during sex even then and nothing on my end had changed really, i was trying to give it my all but it was kinda hard when she seemed removed.
But in retrospect i feel like that was just a cover for lack of interest, which was spawned from our relationship shifting to something different. We had reached the year and 3 month mark and she started ignoring my friends and hers and just not socializing with them and trying to find new people to interact with, she met a couple guys, one of which she started talking to and texting all the time, things escalated quickly. The guy lived over 800 miles away, she met him online through some other people online and still to this day has not met him in person. She always got defensive if i asked questions regarding all the time she was spending talking to these people. She started spending every waking moment talking to these people online and began saying her conversations with them were better than ours or my friends.
A lot more happen in between but in the end she lost interest because some other guy, who was a schizophrenic meth head by the way, was barking up her tree. He took advantage of a weak moment in our relationship and moved in under the guise of being caring friend. In the end she acted completely psychotic and acted like she wanted me to completely and and utterly hate her so she could leave the relationship with a clean conscious. She kept bringing up minor hiccups in our relationship as justifications for ending it and for treating me poorly for the last several months of our relationship. She started seeing my loving and affectionate behaviors suddenly as controlling and manipulative when it made zero sense. She ended up burning bridges with everyone connected with me who had picked her up out of the gutter when her past friends abandoned her and i started dating her.
All of her friends she had left and mine that saw this going down ended up cutting her off from how awful she was being to me, and her attacking them for similar things she attacked me over in the end. So the only people she has left are her online friends. Apparently all she does now is sit in her house and Skype these people and work. She completely changed in less than a month, hell, less than that, she was talking about marriage the day before she broke things off with me. The entire thing made zero sense, and she attacked anyone who tried to snap her out of whatever got into her head.
The entire situation still saddens me, but i have moved on. But i still worry about if she will be ok, the a schizophrenic meth head paired with a girl with a severe anxiety disorder is a relationship hell.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (30 December 2012):
 One more thing:
For whatever underlying reason she cannot handle physical contact with you, then you may have to suffice with sexual contact at the very most and respect her space. Although if the physical contact has changed, then I predict it won't be long before you'll be suffering from lack of sexual contact as well.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (30 December 2012):
Now there are some people both males and females who don't physically touch each other. It could be they're not comfortable with that, since they lacked it from childhood and don't know how to express their emotions physically, or it may because of beliefs upheld in their family. But I don't believe she falls in either of those categories.
You said in your post that she used to welcome the physical contact but now she has been brushing you off, and quite rudely doing so. I'm going to say that something has happened with her quite recently. You need to talk to her and get to the bottom of what is going on with her. This is not your problem so much, but hers and she's taking it out on the relationship. That's not good.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, when I touch her its usually just like being physically close, cuddling, petting as to just help her relax or feel good, kinda like a massage. Non sexual touching. We do plenty of both but sexual contact is rarely if ever disliked so long as we can act on it. Its not because of sexual contact, never seems to happen with that kind of contact.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (30 December 2012):
Just to clarify, are you groping her every chance you're alone with her? Like as in touchy-feely trying to have sex with her?
Or to cuddle and she doesn't want you touching her?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 December 2012):
 So you went home after you were at the mall? I would have just gone home and call it a day.
It was hard to tell if she was in a bad mood some days, like every month for a few days. You said that never happened last year. I refuse to believe that the last whole year she had never had a bad mood. I don't think it's a communication difference. On that day she simply didn't want to communicate with you. You also need to affirm boundaries in a relationship. You don't accept her pushing you out the door. She is a verbal person. She should not feel bad to simply tell you, "Sorry I don't feel touchy today. I feel withdrawn and would rather stay home and be alone. It's not about you" She doesn't have to wait till her limit for human contact exceeded. Some people are not fond of physical touches, but you did not touch her to annoy her. When she feels claustrophobic she could not think of you, but only how she could get away from you as soon as possible. It's time for her to be more considerate.
It's true that in dating there is an infatuation period, everything's easy and then after the 18 month mark the real person comes out, warts and all. Still there shouldn't be that disproportionate. There shouldn't be too much of a difference in dating mode and couple mode.
Keep and observation of her for a while to see if it is bad mood or her falling out of love for you.
If I was in a bad mood, I feel that a boyfriend is a solution to my bad mood, he is a person to make me feel better. Just him making effort to see me should make my day. She is making you feel like you gave her a bad mood. Everyone has different responses to PMS. It doesn't mean you have to tolerate it. I would not suggest you to change yourself to adapt to her moods. Doing so gives her the message that she can push you around.
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