A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been on several dates with a great guy. He is such a gentleman, thoughtful, kind, and I really feel like I can be myself around him and he truly likes me for me. I thought this is what I always wanted!The problem? I have a dating history of going after unavailable or unkind men. I’m 29, and this guy feels like the first who’s truly put in effort. And I’m completely scared off. I feel like running. I really enjoy his company, find him attractive, our morals and values line up well. Just the level of intimacy and vulnerability is scaring me. We talk about family, future aspirations, dreams, what we want for the future, etc. I’ve even told him that someone coming on too strong or being interested in me can make me nervous, and I want to take things slow. He’s put no pressure whatsoever on me and has said he really enjoys me company and wants to get to know me better. I am so used to just hooking up with someone and knowing I have 0 desire to date them or no connection. It feels much safer. All we’ve done is kiss so far, and I find myself nervous about everything. I’m analyzing everything about him (internally), stuff that doesn’t even matter like is he tall enough, did his breath smell weird, what if he does x/y/z weirdly? I have a history of anxiety so I know these are irrational thoughts, but I’m struggling to move forward and give this a fair shot without my worries getting in the way. I can’t tell if this is just my anxiety or deep down my gut saying I’m not really into him. Has anyone experienced this or have some words of wisdom? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2022): I can't help but think that you are scared you're getting serious about him.
This is making you rattle your chains.
He seems so perfect that you are subconsciously asking yourself where the catch is.
Tall is not necessarily better, but kind is definitely better than unkind so use that as your main criteria for how much you like him!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 February 2022):
 Maybe try and stop overthinking this?
Go on dates, get to know him, keep sex out of it for now. Let him know you want to go slow, super slow. If he is not comfortable with that, say bye-bye. If he is, good.
Hooking up is easy, that is why every Tom, Dick, or Harry does it. Because it's fast "in and out" - no need to invest time in another person. Instant gratification, not having to care about the other person, really.
Hopefully, you are wanting to move past always doing what's easy. Because easy also means empty. Meaningless. Hooking up is meaningless. Compare it to naming your dildo "Bob", it doesn't change the fact that it's a "toy". Sure it can get you off but not much else. Hook-ups are the "same".
Give yourself the chance to learn how to ACTUALLy invest in another person and not just focus on your instant gratification. Dating unavailable men is also easy. Because you KNOW they do not want to invest in YOU either.
Know that you are WORTHY of someone investing right back with you. Their time, and feelings.
Try it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2022): @fatherly advice, I’m sorry this touched such a nerve in you. I’ve never shared ANY of these concerns with him and would never make a comment on his height. Part of a professionally diagnosed anxiety disorder is irrational/intrusive thoughts. They are never meant to offend and myself and millions of others struggle with these internally— never sharing them with anyone. Furthermore, it is a disorder— we can’t just “get a handle on it”, similar to how diabetics cant just “get over it”. I appreciate you taking the time to provide your insights and truly apologize for making you feel poorly about your height. I hope this clarifies my post.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2022): Typo corrections:
"If you learn from mistakes, you'll wisely avoid repeating them; not glorify your [disappointment], and load it on top of all your other fears."
"You will never [accurately predict] the outcome of every romantic-pursuit, or relationship, in your lifetime. You can [only] be cognizant of red-flags, warnings, and deal-breakers."
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2022): Anxiety? Determined through a professional evaluation and by clinical-diagnosis, or self-diagnosis?
We all have anxiety, it's part of our human nature. Dread of the unknown. It becomes a sickness, when it is allowed to overtake our personality and control our behavior. It is founded upon and nourished by fear.
Anxiety is worrying about what *might* happen. There is a way to fight it, or manage it. That's by not letting it rule your life; and resorting to living your life minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, month to month, and year to year. Your brain is not a time machine, but it is a fear factory.
Live in the present. Events and unfortunate mishaps in your past do not mean life from that point on is going to be perilous and full of disappointment. Boy, the devil would just love filling us all with so much fear that it's paralyzing! Being so insecure about everything that we would even miss each and every opportunity ever to find love, or feel joy.
Life comes with no guarantees; and you are not a soothsayer, or an oracle. You cannot see into the future of every relationship you attempt to commit yourself to. If you learn from mistakes, you'll wisely avoid repeating them; not glorify your disappoint, and load it on top of all your all your other fears. Convincing yourself you're doomed to failure. What kind of life is that?
You will never the outcome of every romantic-pursuit or relationship in your lifetime. You can on be cognizant of red-flags, warnings, and deal-breakers. Don't get so immersed in infatuation, and so in-love with being in-love, that you can't even see two feet ahead of yourself. Pace yourself. Give trust in doses over time; but don't expect trust, if you don't give it! If you can't trust, you don't deserve it. You'd be too much of a mess to risk a heart to! Your insecurities and trust-issues will monopolize all relationships; yet you'll be blaming everyone but yourself.
People are meant to enter your life for a season. To teach you, bring out your strengths in character, make you aware of your faults and weaknesses; and to evoke the emotions within us that makes you a compassionate and giving human being. They cause pain to teach you to guard your heart, learn to discern and use judgement; and equip you with the tools of survival, so not to always become a victim of everyone who hurts you. You may live to be a 100 years old. People will always hurt and disappoint you; and you will also hurt and disappoint others. We are only human.
Unless you're reckless and impulsive; or you're prone to sabotage every relationship you form with self-fulfilling prophecy. You might even flake-out in the middle of things, and blow-it, before it even gets started. If you'll get hurt in the process? Well, welcome to reality! If at first you don't succeed, try try again! There's a natural process called healing to recover from it. There's also an intellectual process called learning; so you will know how to protect yourself.
No-one is born strong. Nobody is perfect. Everyone must learn and develop tools of survival.
Living in paranoia is self-inflicted punishment; and a form of self-made psychological-imprisonment. You can let anxiety rule you, or you can learn to rule anxiety with practice.
Try praying once in-awhile, and asking God for strength; and to heal you of fear and anxiety.
If you've never tried it, how can you knock it or deny it works?!!
We run to shrinks, take pills, and will still live in constant fear and anxiety. Sometimes all it takes is a little faith in God. He loves you enough to send love to you; and you better be ready to receive your blessings. The devil will snatch them from you...using your anxiety against you.
You may need to experience love with different people; until you find the right fit. All romantic-connections are not meant to last, or be permanent. Dating is meant to be fun, recreational, to enjoy companionship, romance, and being connected. It's not always so intense and dramatic that each and every time you meet a guy he's your potential future-husband. Take an extra-strength chill pill, and go with the flow. You can't always control the outcome; but you can ask God to keep an eye on things while you take a chance.
Life comes with loss, heartbreak, betrayal, lies, deception, and breakups. It also comes with love, faithfulness, happiness, joy, and God's blessings.
If you want love, you will have to take the same risk as your love interest. They don't know if, or when, you will flake-out on them. They don't know if you might cheat on them, or put them through all sorts of hell; or if they are misplacing their feelings.
You think you're the only one taking a chance with your feelings?!! Hello, it's not just about you!
This is a chance at love, sweetheart! Grab it! If you don't take it, he'll just be the one that got-away! You've checked all the boxes, but remember that you're both only human. He can't guarantee he will never make mistakes or disappoint you. Can you promise or guarantee you will never hurt him, or anybody?
Go for it, girlfriend! Stop overthinking!!! If this one flops, oh well! There will be other chances. You've got about another 60 or so years to get it right!
God bless, sweetheart!
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (6 February 2022):
 As a short man, The fact that the thought, "is he tall enough?" crossed your mind, is enough to send me packing.
I don't need to be constantly questioned and doubted, and one thing is certain, I'm never going to grow taller. You need to get a grip on your anxiety before you chase him away.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (6 February 2022):
 If this man is totally different (in a good way) to previous dates, it will be unfamiliar territory for you, hence your nervousness. Someone being nice to you, liking you, being kind to you is not what you are used to - but it IS what you DESERVE.
Relax, take your time, don't do anything you are not ready for. Explain to him that you need to take things slowly and just enjoy what you have. In time you will be able to decide whether he is right for you. There is no hurry.
I hope it works out for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2022): I don’t have the answers you are looking for. But sometimes I wonder if we sometimes do not believe we deserve good things to happen to us or happiness. Sit back and really evaluate yourself and why you feel you don’t deserve someone who is potentially great and really into you?? Why do you choose men who do not want you? Are you scared of commitment? Or do you feel undeserving?
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