A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I am in a friends with benefit with a girl I has known since I was 15. We are both now 25. We used to be just good friends but the sex started about 2 years ago. It is a bit of an unusual FWB relationship because she stated that in beginning that she wants to have 2 FWB guys at the same time, so that she doesn't develop deep feelings for anybody.She is currently sleeping with 2 men on a regular basis. Me and another guy, let's call him Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt and me know about each other. No, we don't do threesomes but we both know we are sharing the same woman. Brad is a rather good looking bloke who has confessed to sleeping with a dozen different women. I was a virgin before having sex with her.Anyway I think I have started having feelings for her. I think it started as jealousy when the 3 of us went to Europe together for a vacation and spent a lot of time together, even skinny dipping and hanfing out at nude beaches. I started to realize our relationship wasn't special when I saw her being intimate with Brad the same way she was with me.Brad sort of realized that I was jealous. But he is a really cool bloke, he offered to back off from the relationship and let me have her to myself. He is cool about it as he has no problem picking up women even for one night stands with his looks.I want to ask you guys how to turn our relationship into something more. I think I may have a chance. Brad says she talks a lot about me. She often opens up about her deepest thoughts and shares her problems with me, such as her bad relationship with her dad. Brad says she doesn't share such stuff with him.Brad says I should go for her. He is a bit condescending at times as he thinks I am a nerd. Maybe I was a nerd, I never had a girlfriend before her. I caught her cheating on her previous boyfriend but I didn't expose her infidelity though I did lecture her and avoided her but it seemed to make us closer as she said I was a genuine friend as she could talk about anything to me. She said she has a problem always getting involved with bad boys and she was worried she would die and old spinster. I said it's better than dying an old virgin like me. I think she took pity on me as she gave herself to me and the rest is history.Anyway just give your opinions here. Brad says he thinks she will settle for me as he says bad girls always settle for the nice guys after their bad boys phase is over.Just how do I approach it? I don't want to ruin it
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2016): Okay, I told her that I have feelings for her and that asked if she considered me her boyfriend. She seemed surprised by this question and after five minutes of silence, she said she thinks I am confused, that I don't actually have feelings for her. She did not say anything but stared at the TV and finally said she thinks I should go out and meet other women.At this point I was in tears as I took it as a rejection. I got dressed and quickly left her apartment thinking it was over between the two of just.This morning she called me and asked why I did not show up on Friday night. We usually meet up at her place on Friday nights to have sex and hang out. I said I thought it was all over. She said we really need to talk and she shows up thirty minutes later at my place. Then she said I mean a lot to her, I am the only true friend she ever had, that I should not do that again. She told me "don't be stupid enough to fall in love with me" and that I should start dating other girls. I told her it's my choice then somehow we had sex again so I thought she finally accepted me but later she asked if I tried asking other girls out I said yes but they all rejected me then she said I should try going for other girls that appreciate a nice guy like me. Then I asked what she meant by nice guy whether I am a boring person and should I try being a bad boy to win women and to win her in particular but she said please be myself please don't change and that someday I will meet the right woman. Then there was silence we did not say anything. I fell asleep and when I woke up she was gone even though she said she was staying for dinner. Should I just leave her?
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (21 November 2016):
 At what point did I judge her? I'm going to assume you've still not told her how you feel?
You need to accept that if you were going to be her BF it would of happened by now and the longer you sit around hoping for it to happen I can guarantee the longer you'll be sitting around hurting like hell over it.
Of course she's going to get jealous if other girls flirt with you, she cares about you and she's having sex with you, she may have a lack of feelings but she's not a robot. The girl I mentioned got jealous when she knew I was speaking to other girls but it still didn't make her want to date me.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 November 2016):
 Telling you that you are like a brother is not something you really want to hear to be honest. I don't think it is going to develop over time. I would sit by a friends bed if they where a good friend. It sounds like she does love you as a friend. Maybe if she was more emotionally available then she would have you in her life as a boyfriend. It is nice that you are not giving up on her. Maybe you should be honest with her about how you feel so that she knows the truth.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2016): She is not banging other guys. She has not been banging other random guys since she started hooking up with me. Just with me and the other FWB.By the way, the age you see above is incorrect. I mistyped it. She is 25 now and a much mature woman from what she was before. Don't judge her just because she is not afraid to be herself and embrace her sexuality. Sex is important for her and she is Frank about this to me. Honestly I think nothing is wrong about this. Why is it when we males sleep around we become studs while if a woman sleeps around she is labeled a slut. I am ashamed some of us still think that way.By the way I notice that she gets a bit jealous whenever another girl flirts with me. When we first started sleeping together she used to be my relationship advisor and liked to set me up with other women. Not so these days. I think she may have developed feelings for me as well.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (11 November 2016):
I think you're being very naive. She's said you're like a brother to her which is literally the worst thing you can hear from a girl you like. You've known her for 10 years.......don't you think that's been enough time for her to start liking you? She shared with you from th start she's sleeping with more than one person as too not get feelings which is telling you she doesn't want a relationship, are you not seeing that?
I have been EXACTLY where you are, believe me. I was in a FWB for 2 years almost and I said to myself 'yeah we will get together soon enough' and just kept going along with it and now we don't even speak to each other anymore. At points, I thought to myself I can see a great future with this girl, bearing in mind we were both still single and essentially just having sex with each other despite us knowing everything about each other's life. There was ultimately nothing behind it other than sex.
If you think you've got a chance then you need to man up and ask her, you can't just keep going along with this arrangement of hearing of her banging other guys because you're scared of losing her as a friend. If you were scared of that then you should never have started having sex because you've really complicated things now and made it a lot harder for yourself to get out of this.
When I look back on what I had there were so many red flags that I ignored because of how much I like her. Now it makes me feel like an absolute idiot and I'll never ever make those same mistakes again. You need to man up and share your feelings with her or you're just going to end up distraught when you hear she's banging other guys too.
I need to be pretty blunt on this as I had so many friends tell me I needed to dodge this one but I ignored them. I WISH I had someone tell me in this style so I may have got out of my arrangement a lot sooner than I could.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2016): I am the OP.Yes I know but it wasn't her fault. Her mum died giving birth to her and she grew with with her dad very distant from her. She thinks he blames her for her death. She has difficulty forming close friendships but I think it's because she doesn't trust people easily. However I think she regards me more than a friend. I was involved in a minor road accident in May so I was unconscious in the hospital for days. She was beside me the whole time. She said her life would be meaningless without me as I am like a brother to her.She recently completed her Masters thesis. In her preface she mentioned me as the person who inspires her in her life. She always invites me to her family gatherings, I know her elder brother and sister like my own family, though they don't know we are sleeping together.It is hard to explain, but she is kind of like my soulmate yet she is very distant and cold at the same time. I think she is trying to repress her emotions and shut people from her life, though deep down inside her she longs for companionship.I figure that maybe if she spends more time alone with me she'll realize that we are meant to be together. Just not sure when I should confess my feelings. Should I just let it develop over time?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (8 November 2016):
It seems to me she has issues from her bad relationship with her father that she has never dealt with. She may have shared them with you but I don't think she has accepted her past and dealt with it. She is not interested in a relationship. She values your friendship but I doubt she sees you as a potential boyfriend. Having sex should be meaningful but to her it is not. It is fun and she does not want to catch feelings. I have a feeling this is not going to end how you would like it to. She does not want to be with one man and I think you want a girlfriend so you may be best ending the FWB arrangement and try meeting single girls.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird  +, writes (7 November 2016):
 There are so many red flags here I dont know where to begin. She is sleeping with two men. She is talking to you alot about her feelings, which is a bigger friend-zoned thing than you realize. She also took your virginity.
Have you been dating and also seeking sex elsewhere? It sounds like youre completely attached to her. Please do yourself a favor and respect yourself enough to walk away. Even if Brad Pitt has done you a favor by letting you have her, you can claim her but make sure youre respecting yourself in any situation. Women DO NOT like men who bend to our every will. We like nice guys---with balls =)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2016): "She said she has a problem always getting involved with bad boys"
Red flag. Steer clear.
Do you know why she is sleeping with Brad Pitt? Because she has you to balance him out. If you weren't around then she would have to get everything she wants in a guy from him. He won't provide that.
You are lucky that you at least get laid out of this deal. Most guys in your shoes are the emotional tampon and never get anything more than sexual frustration along with their heartbreak.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (6 November 2016):
You're not going to like this I'm afraid but it's never going to be anything deeper than sex. You already know she's sleeping with someone else so that 'she doesn't develop feelings' which translates into 'I don't want a relationship'.
Believe me bro your already in too deep, I have been EXACTLY where you are and I'm very strongly advising you to cut contact with this woman as you're on COMPLETELY different wavelengths. If she wanted to be in a relationship with you then she wouldn't be banging someone else at the same time.
I know you're not going to want to do what I've advised so your only other option is to tell her how you feel. I did that exact same thing and got rejected which I guess will be similar in your case I'm afraid, hopefully not though and it turns out better than it did for me.
But I will tell you, the longer you stay in this arrangement the more hurt you're going to end up down the line. You want a relationship and she doesn't so you need to find a compatible partner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2016): Hmmm. Only problem is how do you know her bad boy phase is over?
And how will you EVER KNOW? Even if she was ever in an exclusive relationship with you?
Sorry, but you are going to have a rocky road ahead if you do get involved with her.
You are never going to be able to trust her.
Do you think she would be faithful to you?
Be honest.
She has the ability to sleep with two men (maybe more?) at once. Not a good quality to have in a girlfriend. I can tell you that as a woman, I COULD NEVER DO THAT. And I would be scared to get involved with anyone who COULD do that.
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