A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I feel a little ridiculous posting this but I never thought I'd have this problem!I need to figure out how to quickly, unambiguously turn men down. I feel so uncomfortable doing it that sometimes when I am asked to get together, I just tell them I'm too busy now and maybe later. Or I don't reply at all. Or I say "yeah, sometime", then block their number. But then they keep asking. I just don't understand why nonverbal cues don't work! If I am interested in someone and they stop responding to me I will try one, maybe two more times tops. Then I get it and I leave them alone! Why don't they just give up? Ugh it just feels so uncomfortable to actually say those words, "I'm not interested in you". I guess I am trying to be "nice" by not outright saying that I am not interested in them but that just makes it worse for all of us. I know I'm not handling this right.I've had a couple instances where I finally either flat out asked them to stop messaging me or in another case told him I couldn't because I was seeing someone (true at the time). I don't know if men are more outgoing in this age range now than when I was younger or what but with my normal way of handling things (avoidance) I can't keep up. As soon as I finally get one off my back, another is sending me messages asking to get together! Most often these are people that I know. Some are ones that I work with or have worked with. Former classmates, etc. Most send messages by Facebook. I actually wanted to turn my messaging off, but Facebook actually doesn't let you do that. I'm not even on a dating site or Tinder or any of that. I just really need a few ideas for things I can say that will shut them down immediately, but aren't rude.Some people might find the attention flattering I suppose but I really just want to be left alone. I am so stressed out from school all the time. I was seeing someone that I really liked but he changed his mind, so I'm still kind of down about that. And a year and a half from now when my classes are finished I'm moving to a different area of the country. I'm really not interested in dating anyone right now, even if these were men that I would consider dating under better circumstances. But I feel like that is my business and I shouldn't have to tell someone why I don't want to date them. Ideas?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2019): So. Why you give out your number to a guy that clearly you are not interested?? That is the first thing you have to Stop Doing it! Men think: oh she gave me her number ok I will asked her out. Is that normal, right? So stop being "nice" just to after being the " bitch". Just don't give your number to a guy you Don't like ..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2019): You're in an entitled society where silence means "maybe." If you don't say "NO" in capital-letters, it's a cue to persist.
You can't be coy or passive with some men. You have to be straight-forward and assert yourself. "I'm not interested!"... is the only appropriate response to a persistent jackass.
Be polite when he's being a gentlemen. Engage bitch-mode when he is dismissive or aggressive. Set your tone according to the behavior.
Men freely assert our masculinity. If a guy doesn't respect boundaries or show you respect; they don't deserve a polite reaction when they force themselves on you. You may as well get yourself in practice.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 February 2019):
 It's not rude to say, No thanks I'm not interested.
You don't have to say NOT interested in YOU. Just a simple not interested.
What IS rude is to waffle with the whole " I just tell them I'm too busy now and maybe later. Or I don't reply at all. Or I say "yeah, sometime", then block their number." You are LYING to them to what? "spare" their feelings? Except it's way more hurtful to be "ghosted" or told sure some other time and then block them.
No wonder they keep trying!
Here is a PRO tip for you that will work on ALL areas of life. OK, ready?
SAY WHAT YOU MEAN, AND MEAN WHAT YOU SAY!
And the second half to that.... NO, means no. So LEARN to say no.
Simple as that.
You are a GROWN woman, act like one.
And remember you DO NOT OWE any dude your attention or to go out with them just because they contact you.
A SIMPLE - no, thanks I'm not interested, will suffice.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 February 2019):
 This question must be in the top ten most common relationship questions. At it's heart is the desire not to hurt a persons feelings OR the desire not to anger a dangerous person. I hear both about equally.
I appreciate your extended explanation. You are both uninterested in dating at this time, and uninterested in the people you are meeting. Do you believe the truth is rude?
It can be. If you say. No I have no intention of dating any man who lives in this town. That could come off as pretty rude. But if you say the whole truth, "I don't want to get into a relationship with someone I'll be forced to break up with soon, because I'll be moving." that is a much nicer and equally true way to say it.
But that is not the approach you should use with guys you would not date in any circumstance. To them it would be rude to say I don't date creeps. Because even though it is true, it is placing your value on a person who may be fine for some other woman. It is better to tell the complete truth, "I'm just not interested in you romantically. You aren't the person/type I'm looking for".
Many will tell you that it isn't safe to tell men these kinds of truths, and that you must lie to them to protect their big fragile egos. The Truth is that the average man is told no by a prospective romantic partner about 80% of the time. Most men are not abusive. Most men become stronger in ego by being rejected clearly.
Nobody likes being ghosted.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (4 February 2019):
 Yeah, one foolproof one.
Tell them you’re not interested.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 February 2019):
 God. Just say you arent interested. Anything else is just childish and poor manners. Youre not offending them or hurting their feelings by being honest. Its a sign of respect to be honest. Lying or just ignoring them is just rude.
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