A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm getting married next year to a wonderful man who's been nothing but compassionate, patient, loving and endearing. But before him, I was in a very long term relationship that lead to nothing but hurt and lies. My ex was always doing things for a married woman who was ten years his senior. Whenever she called or texted he would end our date and go after her. They were sleeping with each other and resulted in pregnancy. I asked him about it and he would tell me lies and to trust him. When I pushed the subject, he would get mad and not talk to me for months...more like 3 months. He would call me back at the end of 3 months and acted like everything was alright. We went through another bout where he decided to end the relationship but after 3 months he called and said "Hi baby. How you doing?" well, I drew the line and told him that he had the wrong number. He was stunned. I was happy of what I did. I never regretted it, however, because of this, I've become more wary about my current man - my fiancee. I love him yet, I am having a hard time dealing with issues of trust. My fiancee knows what had happened in my past and has been nothing but patient with me. However, ever since we got engaged, I've seem to notice other women flirting with him in front of me. They don't care if he's holding my hand, or has his arm around me or even if he's hugging me. They don't care. We went ot a wedding convention and the lady behind the diamond ring counter was flirting with him and he didn't know what to do. He was smiling while she was stroking his hand. I should have told her we were not interested and left but I didn't. I was stunned and angry with both of them. He didn't understand why I was upset but after telling him, he apologized and said he never was in that kind of situation before. There even was a woman living in his condo complex and she seemed to fit the bill of what kind of woman he had wanted before he met me. When we bumped into her, he let go of my hand and walked away from me and in front of her. I quickly went over to him and asked him if he was okay, and he said he was. He said he doesn't know her but having the past I've had, my imagination ran with the wind. Ever since then I can't help but wonder if he's going to leave me for some other woman who's much more intelligent, attractive or just someone he can relate to when it comes to conversations or being sociable. He did say at one time he was in love with a girl in school when he was younger because she was quite pretty and socialble. I am nothing like that. I am a wallflower - more like introvert, about 100 pounds heavier, have credit card debt (he knows about that), am not attractive physically...and as you can see, have low self esteem. He has said that he's noticed that out of all the girls he's had dated, I"m the only one that he hasn't had one conversation in regards to something like religion, history, politics or world news. He said the only thing I ever seem to talk about is arts and crafts or recipes. I asked why is he with me if that was the case and he said I've got potential. He said that also includes love. I need help and fast! It seems like I'm going downhill on me yet he says he loves me and can't wait to get married. I can't wait to get married too, but I don't want to be like this...I should be happy and excited and planning for our day.
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female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (9 December 2010):
 I wish you the best of luck in becoming the person you want to be. It sure sounds like you are shedding the old, insecure you and flowering already. Looking forward to hearing about the new you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone,
Thanks for responding back. I really appreciate all of your responses.
I've been seeing my current guy - my fiancee (Joe) for about 3 years. It's funny cause after 2 years of dating each other, he knew he wanted to marry me. The last guy I ended the relationship with...I was dating him off and on for almost close to 15 years. Yes, that is true. 15 years. Do I hate him now? No. I think what I hated most is my not telling him how angry I was with him. How upset I was with him for taking advantage of my kindness. But part of it was that I allowed it to happen. I didn't stand up for me. INstead, I allowed him to walk all over me and that's what I am upset about. Well, after being strung along while he went off to do as he wished - having the affair, being with friends...I decided to let go. I felt so good after I told him that he called the wrong number when he greeted me with a phone call "Hi baby!". I felt empowered.
My ex and I had broken up not even a year when I met my current fiancee (Joe). Joe also just broke up with his ex for only 2 months before he met me. I was skeptic when he told me that he was looking for another girlfriend and was moving on from his last relationship. I told him how I felt and didn't want to rush into anything. He agreed as well. I finally accepted to be his exclusive girlfriend after he asked me 3 separate times. I said yes after 6 months of dating him.
I think I had to start all over again. IT was hard for me to realize that when you get into another relationship, you start over again. You learn his habits, you meet his friends and family, you get to know him almost literally inside out. You share of yourself and you receive from him as well. At first I was afraid cause what if he thought I was ugly? Unintelligent? Dumb? All the other girls he dated were beautiful and stick thin and highly intelligent. I felt ugly because all I knew from others (MOM - who constantly puts me down on a daily basis, this one COUSIN on mom's side...she is the same age as I and who made it her mission to put me down and call me names like slut or pig in front of others - she had some kind of problem I think when we were younger...you know like that movie "Mean girls"? She was like that. She was mean and the other cousins knew it too. But we're all cordial now with her and her own little family. Her kids are very nice, but she...well, some things just don't change. I just make sure she is not the queen of me. She never will be again. I've also got this OTHER COUSIN on my dad's side who is just b*tchy and seems to be making it her mission to tell others in the family rumors about the man I'm marrying and me...I don't know what she's saying, cause no one says anything and they keep mum when I enter the room where the party is located...and since she's an only child and her dad passed the relatives keep from saying anything to her if they're angry with her. For some reason, she's had a thing about me or another cousin. How am I suppose to keep my head up when all she does is talk about me behind my back...but now the family (on dad's side) just seem to act weird and she would waltz in giving my aunts baubles of bracelets to buy their "love" or "affection". This is how dysfunctional this lady is. She wants to be the "Queen" of the show - telling others no or this is how it should be done cause I said so. She's been known to put others down regardless if they're family and I've heard my aunts say how downright mean this cousin of mine is. She's got something against people that don't necessarily agree with her all the time. IT's just weird...so in this case, since I"m getting married, she's making it her mission to put me down cause I'm not allowing her to help me. And last...what's up with people at work? Why do they gossip and put others down? I've got a coworker who works closely with me and all she ever does is put me down or tease me unmercilessly? Well, she is goign through menopause as she said...so am I suppose to bear her moods? With all this said...I need to make an effort to work on me. To believe in me. So with all this on my back on top of my insecurity (now worked on)).
My fiancee and I talked last night for almost 5 hours long. Yes, we talked until 1 a.m. We talked for the most part about my fears and the fact that he let go of my hand when he saw the lady at the condo. I told him about what I wanted in a relationship and I told him why I felt the way I felt after having gone thru all that I went through with my ex. My fiancee listened intently the entire time and when I was done, he apologized and said that if he was ever interested in any woman, then it was wrong of him to be with me. But he wants me and only me. He subconsciously let go of my hand when he saw that lady but that was all. I asked him about other incidents but he said he never was interested in those women and if any other woman did anything to try and whisk him away, he would tell them that I come first and that he's got a lady he loves and wouldnt' ever do anything to harm our relationship or cheat on me and especially on our relationship. We then talked about our wants and needs in our relationship. It was an awesome evening of talking and prayers.
I've had enough of feeling sorry for myself. I think part of the problem is not doing enough for myself. Instead, I mope around at home and allow my whole self to wallow in self pity and believing in others that tell me that I'm either ugly, stupid, or having family members who are either jealous of my kindness and put me down because it helps them to feel better about themselves. Yes, I've allowed others to use me as their scapegoat. It's terrible. But I've had enough. My credit debt...well, that's my problem. I've allowed myself to go overboard 3 years ago and now is the time I start to take care of it all. That's part of it. My inability to face my adversities keep me from growing. I need to face them head on. I also think you are right...I should take some sort of class for assertiveness. I can't be hiding everytime someone puts me on the spot. I am 40 years and I want to be the best person - whole and spiritual - out there for my significant other.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): not entirely happy with his attitude. If it were me, yes i would be unhappy with him separating from me when the condo woman approached. And yes he should have detached his hand and both of you walk out the shop re the hand stroking.
Those other women were disrespecting you precisely because you are over weight.
I don't think you have to change entirely, but i sure do think it would help if you cut back entirely on craft work spending and cleared that debt. Because debt is NOT empowering. Being debt free is empowering.
Next clear out the kitchen of all sugar or fat laden snacks. Join WeightWatchers. Get walking every day. Even if you just aimed to lose 10 pounds at one pound each week you would start to feel good. At 20 pounds off people will start to notice. Do it just for you to feel better.
And find a class on Assertiveness training. But your self esteem is all bound up with the need to control your debts and your weight. In another Two years you are going to look amazing and feel so good. Start new habits today, they say
if you replicate an action several times every day for 6 weeks it can become a part of your life. So to change your life drop the bad habits and choose to choose some good habits that will really make your life better
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (7 December 2010):
How long have you been in your current relationship? How long have you been broken up with your ex?
I think that you need to focus on the fact that your new man is not your ex. He has never cheated on you, been mean to you, or stopped talking to you for months. Your ex did that and he is the one you need to direct your anger at, not him. Try to remind yourself of that when you feel angry or insecure. Try to remember that out of all the women in the world, your current bf wants to marry YOU, not the woman in his condo, not the other women that flirt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): He says he's with you cos you've got "potential"?? that's a red flag to me. He should be with you because of who you are NOW, not because he's hoping you will change into someone or something that you are not. Will he try to change you after you are married?
could it be that the idea of getting married and thus being "tied down" to one woman for the rest of his life, is making him now desire other female attention to stroke his own ego?
as for "what kind of woman he had wanted before he met me"..what does this mean?? Did he suddenly change his idea of what he wants and does not want in a mate? Did you change his idea of what is attractive/desirable/sexy, etc.?? or does this mean that he could not get what he wanted and is settling for you?? sorry to be blunt, but do consider this possibility. Better to deal with this now than after you are married!!
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