A
male
age
51-59,
*zsong
writes:Im a whimp in my relationship, My wife, now ex wife, left me and my children for another man that she met while at a family funeral in the UK, she never returned. I am now very much in love with Nicole, I smother her through fear of losing her, but i know that by doing this, i will lose her. I have a need to do things that I feel will show how much I love her, but she knows that I love her, I need for her to reassure me that she loves me, although I know that she does. Whenever we have an argument, I stress and push for her to see me and this then causes more pain....and all she wants is a coupe of days to get past it. I dont want to lose her, how do i stop being such a whimp in love. She is submissive in nature, she wants me to be in control (although not controlling), I struggle with taking the lead within the relationship, and she wants me to take the lead, although i am a high ranking manager in my professional life and wont let a soul walk over me, I cant seem to find the balance of being "the man" in the relationship and being loving and caring, I can only act at being "the man" (not aggressive but assertive)and then it comes across as being a bullyWhat is wrong with me, am I truly emotionally screwed up? How do I get rid of this fear of losing her?
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male
reader, Ozsong +, writes (9 October 2007):
Ozsong is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hey thanks, it makes perfect sense, forgive my past, know my present and dont overlove. I understand that we all need space and security. Im not going to race over to see Nicole, Im going to simply send her a text of a smiley face and then wait.... then when we are together, explain some stuff to her and tell her I love her and then be normal, no more stressing, no more clinging..... Im going to try.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): You are right, hun..you will lose her if you don't get a grip. Women actually find being on 'altars of worship' very uncomfortable. Women will pity and resent the man who put them there. You really need to become more secure and trustful-before it does destroys your relationship.This is not about your gf. This is about you. Have you ever heard of a disorder called love addiction? I am not implying this is your problem but you may have a borderline problem similar to this. Love addicts have low self-esteem and usually give too much time, attention and value above themselves to any person they are in a relationship with. Added to that, the love addict has unrealistic expectations for unconditional, positive regard. They can be male or female adults who have this unrelenting, overwhelming fear of being abandoned and rejected. So when in relationships, they tend to be needy and clingy, engulfing and smothering of their partner. People like this do not 'know how to give someone space' and thatis very, very damaging. If you feel this may be what you are experiencing..some counseling may help you gain a new perspective of what a healthy, non-dependent relationship is. Try to relax, calm down and just take this day by day. Enjoy the blessings you have in life and get those toxic feelings, in check, today. Take care
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (9 October 2007):
 She left you and your children while at a funeral? That is one place I have never personally thought of as being a place to find a date.
It's hard sometimes when fears are developed. You felt abandoned, and so now being in a situation similar (the relationship its self) You mind pulls up feelings that took place being in another relationship which is now affecting this one.
You ex did wrong. All thought she did wrong I need you to sincerely, deep down forgive her. Reason being, until you do the feelings cause by her behavior won't disappear. Your not doing it because she deserves for you too, your doing it so you can live your life and you deserve to be happy without this burden.
Now with your girlfriend now. It's great that you know something is true, but hard when you act against it out of protecting yourself from being hurt again. See we tend to believe what we tell ourself first. Visually, realistically you see the love between you, but the past and reminding yourself what happened before, still causes us to be on the defense.
What you are going to do is retrain your brain about your views of the relationship you are in now and how it compares to the past. After you sincerely forgive your ex for hurting you, I want you to repeat to yourself, often, deeply (almost as in deep prayer) Whenever you get a change too.
Nicole did not cause me pain! Nicole loves me for who I am! Nicole deserves my full trust because I love her! It is unfair to give her less of myself because of my past! I love you just for being her! I will no long let my ex's behavior control my relationship! I don't have to protect myself when I'm with her! The threat causing my weakness is no longer her!
Now who do you want to be for her? I want you to write something as if you were saying your vows. I want you to apologize for the display you inherited for being hurt. I want you to share it with Nicole when you're done. What you're doing by doing this is washing away the old you in this relationship and committing to the new you.
I hope this helps you. Take care, and I wish you a great future.
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