A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid , I'm a single woman and share a Condo with My Mother in her 60's .. Every Holiday for the past 16 years both My Siblings a Older Brother and a Married Sister with 4 Children have never volentered to have a Holiday at their Home. I get My Brother he is a Single guy but My Sister has a huge Home Married with 4 kids , My Brother a small apartment ... My Sister also makes way more money than ethier of us . I spend so much time cooking cleaning and buying all 4 of her Children gifts and it breaks me every year ... I was relieved last year when I told them because of Covid I wasn't going to do any Holiday get together because they were not vaccinated at the time and they agreed for My Moms sake. This year I don't have the covid excuse but I just don't have the money and I'm tired of doing it every year.. how should I tell them I just can't afford it this year ? Should I just invite them but no gifts ? The food is expensive too .. to be honest last Christmas alone with My Mom and just Myself was the best i've had in years ! Thanks for any input
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 October 2021):
 One option is to make Christmas a Potluck, OP
Have EVERYONE bring a dish - maybe you can cook the meats (or whatever is hard to transport and still keep warm) and they bring dessert, side dishes, snacks.
Growing up, my family rotated who hosted Christmas. One year it would be my parents, then one grandparent, then another, then my aunt, her in-laws (only for my aunt), and that year we would go to my Dad's dad. The (as is tradition in Denmark) there would be Christmas luncheons from the 25-28 of December hosted by various family members, friends, and my parents. The Christmas dinners (on the 24th) were always a potluck. There would be a slew of dishes because everyone brought plenty. It worked well for us. I think many people do this (we do a variation of this except we usually host most years and I cook most of the food too, both Thanksgiving and Christmas. But that also means I get to set the menu.
If you do not WANT to host and cook, then let them know that THIS year you can't do it. It's ok to say you can't afford it. You have done this for the past 16 years!!! You deserve to pass the baton.
Regardless of what you decide - do it SOONER rather than later so they can plan for what to do now.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2021): You said your sister has four kids and a big house; and you 'assume' she has much more money. The fickle and unpredictable economy is effecting every working household. Don't presume on what other people can afford, based on what you see on the surface. They don't send you their quarterly financial reports and bank statements to keep you updated on their financial situation.
My guess is they're feeling the crunch too! Gas has gone up, food prices are up, and there are shortages of products on the store shelves. They've got four growing children! Besides, if she's well-off, the kids are already being spoiled with expensive gifts on Christmas and birthdays; so you don't have to pressure yourself trying to keep-up, or by trying to impress her and the children. You have to be a marketing genius to know exactly what's trending for kids these days; and they are forced to pretend they like your gifts...that may end-up in a corner of their rooms anyway!
It's fine to be generous, but you have to stay within your budget. You don't have to layout a big spread every year, you can drop-off some homemade pies and other goodies. You can buy games and other reasonably priced gifts that all four of the kids can share. They don't have to get individual gifts, that's up to their parents anyway!
Auntie wants to impress her sister and brother-in-law; and excite the children every year. Well, the reality is; she can't do that this year. Just have an honest little chit-chat with your sister. Swallow your pride, and let her know you're cutting back this year. I'll bet you she's watching her budget too! Good people will appreciate your honesty; and spoiled people need a dose of reality.
As for the kids, they'll probably breathe a huge sigh of relief that they don't have to all pile-up in the car to spend hours at auntie's and granny's house; when they may want to visit with their friends anyway. They can all stop-by for a short visit and some refreshment; and exchange a few gifts. There just won't be the big spread and a ton of people in the house. It's ideal to have everyone over; but your budget suggests otherwise!
Don't be proud or ashamed, be honest. Take the pressure off yourself. Christmas is still Christmas, whether you break the bank or not!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (22 October 2021):
 This is happening because you are allowing it. I completely understand it is not easy to stand your ground and say "no" when it is "traditional" that you do this, but your family are taking advantage of your good nature. Sometimes there is a very fine dividing line between being a good person and being a door mat.
Is it only the expense you have an issue with, or actually hosting the event as well? If you don't mind hosting, give them an option: you will host if they all chip in to buy the food, or someone else hosts it (i.e. your sister). If you really don't want to host it, suggest everyone chips in (including your brother) but that your sister hosts it. (I suspect she thinks, because you don't have children, you have more time; that does not excuse her taking you for granted though.) Another alternative would be to book Christmas dinner in a restaurant and all pay for your own food.
As for presents for all the kids, decide on how much you can comfortably afford and STICK to the budget. Start shopping now so that you don't overspend because you are stuck for stuff to buy. During the course of 2 months, you should be able to find lots of imaginative gifts without spending a fortune.
PLEASE don't get yourself into huge debt again just to entertain your family for one day. You have every right to say "enough".
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (22 October 2021):
 I don't think that it should be down to you every year, and footing all the expense of it as well, this is unfair. Your sister has a huge home with four kids, she also makes more money than any of you.
I think everyone has got into a pattern and think of you doing Christmas as the norm.
I think all you can be is brutally honest and simply tell them that money is tight and you can't afford it. Still get the kids presents, but maybe just cut back on what you normally buy, its does not have to be extravagant, after all with gifts its the thought that counts.
If it does turn out that you are hosting then make sure that everyone pay's there way, and contributes to all the food and drink. Christmas is an expensive time of year for anyone. I think its only fair that if they come to you everyone should contribute, and not left just to you.
But i would mention it and get it out there that money is tight, and its a tall order this year for you to cover Christmas as you have done in previous years. Suggest that your sister has a big house, why can't she cater for Christmas as she has never done it in the past.
Start as you mean to go on, you have to say something sooner rather than later. We are still only on October, so i would mention something soon to give everyone plenty of notice that you can't afford it this year.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2021): Be firm and do it asap. Don't let them use the old excuse - you should have told us sooner.What you say depends and what you want. And whatever you do make sure that your mom is on the same page. 1. You don't want ANYONE to come overDon't explain.I would just say that you and your mom do not plan on having anyone over for Christmas. But that you'd love to pop by and visit them for "scones and tea" or whatever it is that doesn't require to much effort on their side.2. You want to spend money on food but not on giftsAgain, just say that you'll be happy to cook for them, but no gifts. Although I don't see why you should be the only one to make an effort.3. You want them to contribute financially and otherwise to your family gatheringSay so in a polite way. Ask them to make a plan with you, who will do what and stick to it.From your post, one could, perhaps erroneously, conclude: that you are single, with an undemanding job, living with your mom. Some people read it like this: you have nothing better to do than prepare family gatherings and that in a way you should be grateful they give you something to do since anyhow you don't have a life. The problem is that you live with your mother and they feel that your condo is somehow their "childhood home", even if it really isn't. The mom's there. I would make sure they knew I loved them and that I cherished spending TIME with them. You played a part in the way you are treated. I understand that it's not easy after 16 years to change things, but it won't get easier than it is now! I think that some people can be be oblivious, BUT it is also easier to believe what you want to believe.I had a friend who used to invite herself over for holidays and vacations. We would rent a house somewhere and she would ask to come and just stay for free. Once, it's OK, but when it became a habit, I realized that I was the one LETTING her act that way. The moment I set some boundaries and rules, she first accepted them - on the surface, then she started testing them to see if I really meant it and then she just stopped being in my life the way she used to be because it didn't suit her. Sometimes people like us to play certain parts and when we refuse, they have no use for us. It's sad, but we must protect ourselves from being used. I'm sure your family loves you and I'd like to believe that if you explain in a nice way what you can and cannot do, that they will understand. If they don't... well, do you really feel like being used?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2021): You need to grow a back bone and tell them the truth. Tell the that with how things are you cannot afford the money for all the food or the presents and you cannot deal with doing so much cooking, cleaning etc. Once you give in to it they will think they can do it regularly and it will be great for them - they get to escape from home, they get to be waited on hand and foot, they get a hotel experience without the expense, all you get is the bad bits. Of course they will want to do it.
You will - if you have any sense - suggest that you take turns from now on and ask whose turn it is this time - it won't be yours because you have already done more than your share. And insist on it. If you prefer to have a quiet christmas at home then say so. It is not a crime. Stop being so meet and mild about how you feel and what you want. Nobody can read your mind and use telepathy to know these things.
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