A
female
age
41-50,
*myxavier
writes:dear aunts and uncles .. i have found myself in somewhat of a mess , first of all let me tell you a little bit of my story ,, i seperated from my husband about 9 months ago after a long hard marriage and about 8 weeks ago i met a lovely man .. we fell in love very quickly ive never felt love like this before.he has quite openly told me that he wants to marry me one day .i have 3 children from my ex a 12 year old son a 9 year old daughter and a 4 year old son they have been quite good a bout welcomin my new man into our family .. i have found out that i am pregnant and i dont know how to tell my children .. me and my new man are very happy and want to keep the baby we are thinking to leave it for the first 3 months to make sure that the baby is fine and then tell them so that we have been together for a little longer ,, we are aware that things have happened very quickly but things just feel so right between us and my partner says that there is no time or distance for love you just know when ikts right we are both in our 30s so we arent kids im just very worried about telling my kids that im going to have another baby
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2013): well how did you tell the older 2 kids that you were going to have a third kid?
make this a positive moment, tell them that the family is getting bigger. The more the merrier!
(however, I sincerely hope things work out with this new man which right now isn't guaranteed...and if not he better be paying child support.)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2013): I moved VERY quickly with my now husband; however the difference is I did not have children, and at the time he was a friend, so he wasnt just a random stranger. I would NOT have moved him in that fast. I would be worried about your children. Honestly I know men that PREY on women like you to get closer to the kids and every woman insists its not happening to them... so look at it that way. Are financially capable of having another baby? Do you have the desire to have more? Kids ate wonderful, but tons of work. I have two kids and work part time and my gosh Im exhausted at the end of the day, my husband works and also helps care for the kids, cooks cleans- so we share the work but even then we are tired. I agree that maybe you should ask him to move out, for awhile while he courts you and you can decide weather or not you want to be with him and wheather he is the right man for your children to be around. What does your ex hubby think of this? I would be very upset if my ex-assuming we were married and had kids, just moved some random girl in and she fell pregnant. I would fight to get custody so just really think about your decision best to wait a few months like you said and have you talk to them. Btw pay attention to your 12 and 9yr old...they are learning from you whether you see it or not and this will have an impact. These are their lives too and I would let things settle down a year or two so the lids get settled before even attempting to intermix family and personal...
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (1 February 2013):
 Hi
I just hope you don't get left with four children and this very new man and yourself continue to be 'in love'.
As to how you tell the children your pregnant,sit down with your new man, over a take-away maybe so your relaxed,then just explain. Give them time to adjust to him being around instead of their Dad for now,then at 3 or 4 months break it to them.They need to know you will love them as much and they aren't being replaced by a new baby.Let them get involved,see the scans etc
Make sure nobody else knows before them too, as it will be far better coming from you two rather than somebody letting it slip out.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 February 2013):
 Oh my goodness, only 8 weeks and he has moved in already with your children AND impregnated you!
Love after 8 weeks is difficult to accept, there hasnt even been time for the first glow to fade away.
There is really no way to say this gently, so here goes. This relationship is too rushed, you have introduced him to your children too soon, you are certainly moved him in with your family TOO SOON and you have allowed yourself to have unprotected sex TOO SOON. Get to your doctor, make a long appointment, tell them your circumstances, how on earth can you even think you know this man, after only 8 weeks, what if he starts abusing your kids and I am not just talking sexual abuse here but emotionally and physically, you DONT KNOW HIM! Where was he living until you so convenietntly showed up to house him with sex on the side??
Go talk to somebody for some guidance here, your doctor should be able to refer you to somebody, telling the kids about the pregnancy is the VERY LEAST OF YOUR WORRIES. Get your shit together woman, and engage your brain!
Move him out NOW. Tell him with the baby you feel you are moving too fast. Let him live elsewhere while he woos and courts you, and to give you time to get to REALLY KNOW HIM, not just his social face and the meeting new people best behaviour him, but the real person.
Sending peace and light to your three children, may they be safe and protected, sending positive thoughts to you as well, may you do the right thing BY EVERYBODY, sending thoughts to this so called man who has manipualted himself into the home of a naive trusting woman and her three children and hoping like hell he usually leads a decent life and sees the sense of his moving out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2013): "they have been quite good a bout welcomin my new man into our family"
A random stranger with whom you've been sleeping for two months by no means becomes a member of your children's
"family" simply by filling the empty space on their father's side of your bed, and unless your husband was abusive and/or violent, I doubt very much that they are rushing to "welcome" an interloper into their lives to as his replacement less than a year after the only home they've ever known was broken up out from under them.
"he has quite openly told me that he wants to marry me one day ."
I'm sure he's told you whatever it is you wanted to hear in
order to get you into bed, and he obviously knows how to exploit your loneliness, vulnerability and horniness on the rebound. Or perhaps he is a pedophile who is shamelessly playing up to you in order to get to either to a little girl and/or 12-year-old boy and/or a 4-year-old boy and/or all three.
What DO you know about him? He could have any number of kids, ex-wives, baby mamas and current girlfriends in his closet as well as many other dark secrets. I'm guessing he's just as much a loser as your recently discarded husband.
"we are aware that things have happened very quickly but things just feel so right between us and my partner says that there is no time or distance for love you just know when ikts right"
Too bad you didn't stop to consider your kids' emotional well-being and best interests (as well as physical safety) before hopping into bed with a sweet-talking stranger about whom you know nothing except what he's told you, which could all be lies. Your children were probably just settling down from the trauma caused by the major and permanent disruption in their lives, and now you have turned their lives upside down again. Your kids should be your first priority, not your love life.
"im just very worried about telling my kids that im going to have another baby"
For good reason. Children of recently separated parents need as much normalcy, stability and consistency in their now-shattered lives as possible, and not only have you brought a total stranger in their lives whom you are trying to pass off as a replacement daddy, now you've managed to get yourself knocked up by him in record time. There'll be no doubt in their minds as to where they stand with you, and it's obviously not first.
I'd be very, VERY suspicious of a stranger who swooped in and quickly ingratiated himself into a newly-separated mother and her children's life. What a shocking and shameful abdication of your parental responsibility. Not only are you setting a terrible example to your kids (especially your daughter), they are likely going to end up resenting their new half-sibling by unrelated random stranger baby daddy, who I suspect will be out of the picture fairly soon.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (31 January 2013):
Whilst nothing is wrong with anything iAmHereToHelpYou has said, what’s done is done. You might choose to leave it a month or two if you want, but this isn’t going to go away in that time so if you’re waiting for an easier time to tell them it’s not going to come. That’s aside from the fact that you’ll be showing soon, don’t make them guess, or half guess first. Sit them down and just tell them the truth: you are going to have a baby. I suggest you do this without your man because this is a special moment between you and your kids and in time they’ll appreciate the fact that you spent time just with them to get them used to the idea. Ask him to let you have that moment without him being involved.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (31 January 2013):
I don't think it's how you tell them that's important, it's how you deal with their reaction that's the real issue.
What iamheretohelpyou said may have been harsh but it's true. I didn't want to go there but it's worth remembering if your current relationship doesn't stand the test of time.
After being in a relationship for awhile, especially a bad one, it can be easy to convince yourself that you've found "the One" but DON'T GO RUSHING INTO ANYTHING!!!
I can't stress that enough. If you hadn't rushed into your first marriage you might still be married and happy. It is literally impossible to know what you need to know about someone to make the choice to get married when you've only met them 2 months ago. The fact that you are referring to the length of time you've known this guy in weeks should be a wake up call!
I realize our answers had very little to do with your question and I'm sure you don't take them seriously because "we don't understand". But, for the sake of you and your children's happiness take things slow. You have nothing to lose from doing so. What you have to gain is ensuring you're making the right decision.
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