A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:When I was 21 years old, I got my girlfriend, Beth, pregnant. We decided to put the baby girl up for adoption since neither one of us was ready to be parents. We did an open adoption.Stephanie (my biological daughter's name) is 16 years old. She knows who I am and who Beth is.The problem is that I never told my parents and siblings about Beth's pregnancy or about Stephanie. And my oldest niece (Kristen:13 years old) is starting the same private school as Stephanie is. I am worried that somehow, Kristen will find out by accident that I have a daughter that I put up for adoption. It is a small private school so there is a good chance that they will run into each other. Beth, Stephanie's parents (aka adopted parents) and I decided that I should at least tell my brother and sister-in-law. Stephanie's parents said that I should have told my parents a long time ago (I haven't been close to my parents since before I even met Beth).What is the best way to break the news to my family about Stephanie? I just want to handle this situation that is best for both Stephanie and Kristen. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2022): So you should just be honest because the truth will set you free from feeling like you’re trapped in the situation. It may make them mad but not if she is your little girl. You’d loose blessing. Change your mind on how you think about this scenario and say a prayer.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2022): I think you need to tell them. Better they find out from you than find out themselves later down the line. Yes, it will be extremely difficult. They might be angry at you for a while. But in the long run, it must be the right thing to do. Your daughter deserves not to be a secret.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (22 February 2022):
I agree with HoneyPie & everyone else.... Just tell them. But here's my additional advice...
Set a date for a family meeting (parents, siblings etc or whoever you want to invite).
When you call them to set up this meeting say in a grave and serious voice that you've got something very important to tell them but then decline to expand further until you can see them at the meeting. Say something like "I'd rather not say any more until we can all get together if you don't mind."
Once you've got everyone together, tell them your news. They'll be so relieved to find out that you don't have cancer or some other awful terminal disease that it might dilute any anger they may feel for not being told at the time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2022): It was an open adoption right? That was so Stephanie would know who her birth-parents are. Then it's time to let her know her family heritage and let everyone know who she is.
Please get her permission first, and discuss it with her adoptive-parents. It could be overwhelming for her.
Family-secrets are kept to hide something; usually something bad, or something you're ashamed of. There is nothing here bad, or to be ashamed of. Discovery of the truth by accident can bring-on drama and embarrassment. It can also create resentment and discord.
After you've made all the proper consultations and have prepared Stephanie to meet her relatives, go for it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 February 2022):
 Just tell them.
You did what you and Beth thought would be BEST for the child. There is no shame in that. There is no shame in NOT being able to raise a child.
I agree you should have told them a long time ago, but that is kind of moot now, isn't it? Because you didn't.
I don't see how Kristen could find out if Stephanie didn't tell her. After all, she has her adoptive parent's last name, correct?
What you could do is tell your brother and sil that you had a child you gave up 16 years ago. And let it go from there. Does your brother need to know she goes to your school?
Does Stephanie WANT to meet her bio-uncle and cousin?
To be really frank here, if my brother TOLD me he had another daughter he gave up, I would be EXITED to hear about her and possibly meet her. She would be a blessing. Not a dark secret.
Would your parents not welcome another child? Most people would see it as a blessing, a welcome addition.
If I were you I'd talk to Stephanie's parents first. Make sure they are OK with possibly the whole school knowing because I don't know how many 13 year olds who can keep such an exciting secret. How mature is Kristen? Because the LAST thing Stephanie needs is Kristen looking for attention and then telling ALL her friends. She is 13. Not to be mean but 13-year-olds are not critical thinkers.
If they are OK with that, perhaps host a dinner before school starts and introduce everyone, if that works for Stephanie's family. BUT tell your family BEFORE the introduction. So they know.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2022): I honestly think they will be very amused in a very happy way and they would just to look hurt will protest and fault you for not telling them at the time . As for how to break the news I agree that you should tell your bother first and gain his support to break the news to the others, after that believe me they will be chuffed for the new addition to the family and will go out of their way to please her and fuss her. Don't hesitate tell them this is happy news in a way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2022): Just do it.
Explain that you and your gf made the best decision at that moment for the child and yourselves. But now things have changed (as they do) and in these new circumstances (including the wish of your daughter to know you) some new decisions were made.
Your life, your decision. If youdon't make a big deal of it (drama, guilt...) you won't give them enough fuel to make it a big deal. Just cut things short, it's not up for discussion. Be firm and kind. But firm.
I know what I'm talking about, albeit form a different perspetive. In "my story" I was the kid. The less fuss made about it the better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2022): You are the bringer of very good news.You're parents to a child who will have reached maturity by the age of 21 who is both well and happy (hopefully) and who finally has the opportunity to be united with her biological grandparents on both sides.What's not to like?I assume you are worried that the older generation will dissolve into shock but it will at least be a case of happy surprise or maybe they secretly wondered along this path with their thoughts sometime.This news can be conveyed how you want but options that spring to mind are you telling them: I would like you to meet your granddaughter...she is 16 yrs old and was has been brought up in a loving adoptive family! She goes to the same school as Kristen so we hope they will become very close as they are related!There may be tears but that would probably be for the years they !missed out on!It would also be nice to get a photo of Stephanie adopted parents so that they know who to refer to as mum and dad.Presumably you jumped these hurdles years ago and you and your partner have found suitable titles for yourself.Personally I think this is wonderful news.
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