A
female
age
26-29,
*isGirl0516
writes:So I have been with my s/o for almost 10 years this May. I love him. I have a daughter with him, I have built a life with him.I met him when I was 15 years old. When I was in middle school - 9th grade I was on and off with a boyfriend. He was your typical bad boy, my mom drove him home one night and told him if he loved me he should let me go because I was a straight A student, cheerleader, played sports. And she told him he was going to drag me down…he broke up with me that night. Said he was going to work on himself and then he would come back. He broke my heart. I moved on, he moved on. He had a child with a girl he was with, and well I started my life with my s/o. My s/o cheated on me the first couple of years, till my daughter was about 3. And I reached out to my ex. We never met up but I would vent. He got put in prison and we would write to each other. But he told me if I was going to be with him I had to decide. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t leave my s/o, I didn’t want to disappoint my family and most importantly my daughter. So I stayed, a couple years passed by and I decided to write him again to check up on him through Facebook. We were talking but as soon as he tried to get romantic I freaked out and blocked him…I have such strong feelings for him but I can’t get myself to really cheat on my s/o. But I can’t forget him.I feel horrible. I dream of him, I think of him. I miss him. But I love my s/o. He’s changed into a great man. What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2022): Typo correction:
"This little long-lost-love routine will [probably] land you both in bed together; but truth be told, this all seems more likely to be fuel for drama and mayhem."
P.S.
Let me mimic your mother just a little more. You're gambling with your life, messing with a guy who has screwed his up! You ducked a bullet 10 years ago; and now you're playing Russian roulette with the same old gun!
Girlfriend, wise-up! Mama was right, and you know it!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2022): You're not 15 anymore, and both your lives went in different directions. Your mother was right! That boy was nothing but trouble! He ended-up in jail!!!
Oh, but of course..."but I love him!" That famous disclaimer that lets the aunts and uncles know that our advice might benefit somebody out there, but it may not help the OP.
You're living in a fantasy. This little long-lost-love routine will problem land you both in bed together; but truth be told, this all seems more likely to be fuel for drama and mayhem. It's not going to be like in the movies or on TV. You're psychologically cheating on your boyfriend, I guess this is tit-for-tat.
You won't be done; until you're a single-mother with two kids, with two dads.
Sorry, if my post reads like it was written by your mother.
He is an adult now, and he didn't make good choices for his life. You have a kid, and a life; and you need to stay focused. Bringing that guy back into your life is just an act of defiance, meant only to get back at your mother for sending Mr. Bad-boy on his way. Besides, he has a kid of his own to worry about. Let him prove himself worthy of fatherhood; considering what his life has been up to now.
You're going to do what you want to do; regardless of any advice suggesting you leave him in the past where he belongs. You didn't listen to your own mother, so I'm not too optimistic. You mentioned your present significant other cheated on you. Is this your revenge for that?
Stay in the realm of reality, you're an adult now; with the responsibility of raising a child. Dreaming of him doesn't mean diddly-squat! You're either bored, or want to get back at your mother. Maybe hellbent on punishing your boyfriend for cheating, or you're caught-up in fantasy. Which is it?
My advice? Leave him in the past, and just enjoy the dreams. In this case, your fantasies would be a lot better than what reality would bring you.
My regards to your wise mother!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 February 2022):
 What do you need to do?
You need to wake up, OP
The fantasy of who your first BF COULD have become is just that FANTASY. The guy's been to prison. YOU could have been the partner of this felon and guess what? That "love" would have died fast as you STRUGGLED to keep a roof over your child's head and food on the table ALL ALONE.
It's been over a decade - 10 years. People change. YOU need to stop thinking you are still in high school and your crush from back then is some star-crossed lover, he is not. He is a man who didn't keep his "childish" promise of being the guy you would really need and want. Instead, he ended up in prison.
You DREAM of him, he is a FANTASY.
If you don't LOVE your SO, then you need to figure out where to go from here.
The grass is NOT greener with this ex, the grass is greener where you WATER it. So maybe FOCUS on your marriage? Make it the best it can be.
Both you and your SO have cheated, him physically and you emotionally. Cheating tends to break down trust and respect.
DO you trust your SO? Do you respect him? You say he has changed into a GREAT man and you are really considering something with a guy in prison? Or (if he is out) with a record? Someone who was ready to play with your emotions the MOMENT you contacted him?! That isn't love.
You are INFATUATED with what COULD have been. That isn't love.
In your head you have the ex put up on some "emotional" pedestal of being "the love of your life" or " the one who got away" when in fact HE ISN'T. He is the one who knew back then at age 15, that he would drag you down, that you deserved better. OR more likely, he knew he couldn't live up to your expectations. He wasn't really ready at that age to commit. Very few people are. This is probably also why your SO cheated back then, HE was immature. (not that it excuses the cheating, it doesn't. But it might explain it a bit).
Even if you dropped your SO and shacked up with this ex, it would NEVER live up to your fantasy of how it would be. You would be miserable with him. Because he is no longer the same kid. Neither are you. You are getting a little too old to live in your teenage la-la land.
You KNOW what to do. BLOCK and STOP all contact.
Focus on what is important to you.
Figure out if you want your marriage and husband or not. If you do, THAT is where you put your focus.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2022): You have a terrible taste in men. Both your bf and your s/o are good examples.You need to understand that our lives are CONSEQUANCES of our decisions. The decisions we should be making RATIONALLY. I say "should" because most poeple don't. We make decisions based on the patterns we learned as kids. We make them to avoid unpleasentness, to stay in our comfort zones, to make less of an effort. Why did you stay with your cheating partner? Do you have a job? Are you able to financially support yourself and your daughter? Do you have family you could rely on? If you are indeed 25 years old and you say that you've been with your partner for 10 years, you have never learned how to be an independant adult and THAT is what you should be focusing on. Everything else will just land you in the same spot you are right now - putting up with a selfish man and having no place to go.Your ex bf is just a fantasy. He was no good when you were kids you have no idea who he is right now. He's been to prison! I mean, come on... why do you put yourself in a situation where you can only chose between A and B? There are so many choices out there!Work on yourself, define your REAL problems (cheating partner, no job, financial instability...) and work on them. Be an adult and not a little girl looking for her "prince". I have no idea what kind of family you come from. From what you say you had a (over)protective mother. You need to understand what kind of "emotional education" you've got. There's no healthy mature person on Earth who would dream of your ex bf and put up with your cheating selfish partner.What are you affraid of? Being alone? Not being able to support yourself (and your kid)?
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