A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in love with a man that's 24 years older than me seems to really feel the same about me he is wanting to become a pastor really soon he knows slot about the Bible and he is devoted to God he is 53 I'm 29 he is currently in prison and has only four more months to go out of there years he promises that he is not the same person that he used to be he wants to take care of me and my 2 children he really really wants to marry me my question is how can I tell my parents about our relationship
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 November 2013):
 I suggest that if you are dead-set on being with this man that you give him 6-18 months to get on his feet when he gets out.
Do you know what he is in for? Like YOUWISH mentioned you NEED to run a background check they will cost you $6-10. It's NOT because he is a criminal, but you keep your kids safe - I would also recommend that for someone dating. http://www.intelius.com is one of the sites who offer this.
It might feel like "love", but I think it simple infatuation. He knows to say the RIGHT things to get you interested and and feel sympathy towards him. YOU like the IDEA of this reformed person, doesn't mean HE IS that person.
How do you tell your parents? The truth. What else can you say?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2013): I can't believe I overlooked the fact that you have two children. They're usually the first thing I address in responding to a reader's post.Don't jeopardize the safety of your children with some guy who just got out of prison. He was caged with other animals and that has a profound effect on his psychological makeup.He may have night-terrors, post-traumatic stress, and a prison temperament that is unpredictable around young children. The oldest would have to be around 10; because you're not that old yourself.This man will most likely be on parolee and/or have some form of probation. Even the criminal-justice system will place stipulations on his release. They will not just toss him out into society without a strenuous program of rehabilitation; and keeping track of his pursuit of employment and a place to live. He will not behave like a soldier returning from battle. He will be an animal just let out of a cage. Just keep that in mind when he is around your babies. Don't be surprised if your parents question your sanity, and challenge your judgement as a mother. They'd have every right to.They won't trust him straight out of jail, and nor should you. Neighbors and local law-enforcement may not offer him the open-armed welcome you're probably preparing for him. If you're renting, your landlord has a right not to renew your lease; if he or she feels you may be introducing an element into your house or apartment that is not within the terms of your rental agreement. As you know, most landlords perform background checks, and they don't have to accept any Tom, Dick, or Harry you decide to declare your boyfriend.Children deserve a safe, loving, and stable environment.I'm certain you realize their protection, happiness, and welfare comes before yours. A newly released convict isn't ready for screaming and crying children. Count on that. They aren't even his!If you miss this important fact; under the influence of your infatuation with this "born-again" convicted-criminal; I hope someone who has a more level-headed outlook, will have them removed from this situation; should they have even the slightest concern for the safety and welfare of the children, including yours.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2013): You should have an ambulance and a medical rescue team on standby. One, or both of your parents, may have a unexpected reaction to such news.Then, you should also go have your head examined,and send them the results of your mental evaluation.Do you really expect your parents, who love you, to give you their blessing for such a connection? Has your self-esteem reached such a low, that you will settle for some convict who could be telling you anything? A well-crafted story of his religious atonement; in order to have a warm bed, a place to flop, and meals ready; when he gets out of prison?He is not some innocent rescue animal waiting for a good home. He is a man who devoted his life to crime. He was incarcerated; because he chose a lifestyle of breaking the law. If he served a long sentence; it took him many years of breaking the law to get there. A judge and jury decided only time in prison was the appropriate restitution he could offer society. Prisons release ministers by dozens.I recently read about one locally; who will be returning to prison for pimping women into prostitution. He went as far as to organizing candlelight vigils and town marches for justice. All the while selling women and abusing them. They are cunning and exploit women; because there is a vast pool of vulnerable and lonely women with a "Florence Nightingale Complex," thinking they understand them; and will usher them back into society, and change them.The jokes on you!You're just a prospective sugar-mama who will support him, feed, and cloth him. He will intimidate you, bully you, and isolate you from your loved-ones to maintain his control. You are one of the many women who fall victim to these guys.My prayers and sympathies go out to you, that you should feel so lonely. I hope someone intervenes and sways you in another direction. You reached out to DC; because your better judgement is telling you, this may not be a good choice. I'm glad you did. Perhaps a higher power has already intervened.I doubt you've ever met this man. He's feeding on your gullibility and you made yourself an easy target. Why in the world do they give criminals access to the internet? I will never figure that out.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (31 October 2013):
 I suggest that you approach your parents and say to them something like this:
" Mom.... Dad.... I have to confess that I was recently damn-near hoodwinked by an older guy who I "met" when he was in prison... and - like so many others of his ilk - he told me that he loved me, and was reformed, and found God, and was going to become a preacher, and yada, yada..... AND, he darn near had me sucked in.... but, I made a submittal to a web-site about this matter,....and got a reply from a pretty level-headed guy who cautioned me that inmates frequently use young(er) girls as shills when they emerge from incarceration (since those younger girls tend to be pretty naive)..... and, armed with that advice, I told my "man friend" that he needs to emerge from prison and strike out on his own, first.... and ONLY after he has done that..... and stayed clean and prosperous for at least six months.... can he even contact me... never mind expect me to be his "girlfriend".... Aren't you proud of me for taking that Sage advice???"
That should have your folks beaming!!!!
Good luck....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2013): Thanks everyone for all your honesty and advice I have never sent money to him and don't plan on doing so when he gets out there is no with me he plans to do things on his own to get on his feet he has never asked me for money or to take him in when he gets out I needed a little input on this but I know what I would not do and that's have him around my children or let alone him living with me no way I'm not that much in love I have a close tie with my family that's why I it's important to me what they think and say even though I am grown
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 October 2013):
 Knowing a lot about the Bible and saying he is devoted to God doesn't necessarily make him the best choice for you and your children. A 54 year old in prison for what? Embezzling the company's money? Or armed robbery? Drugs?
Did you meet him while you worked there? How did you meet?
I agree completely with CindyCares advice. She summed it up neatly and elegantly. YouWish's compelling and scary story should be enough to stop and make you think.
Are you wobbly personally, as in financially or in terms of self-esteem?
I'm 53. A guy who is 54 who has been put in prison has a history of making a lot of bad choices and at his age, he probably doesn't have a whole lot of options when he gets out. You look good to him because you are young and obviously not a strong enough person to even tell your family, so you are easily manipulated.
If you aren't able to tell us the story of how you met and "fell in love" how can you possibly tell your parents? That's a clue right there.
To answer your question, you say to your family, "Mom, Dad, I've met a man, he's not the ideal son-in-law, but I do love him and he promises he'll take care of me. I trust him, I trust that he's changed."
That isn't so hard to think up, is it? Which is why I wonder if you secretly are worried and that's why you came here for advice, you don't really trust him.
So, follow CindyCares' excellent game plan and then in a year or so, you'll be able to tell your parents about him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2013): Have you ever met this man in person? Please tell me that you did not find him on the internet and you have been carrying on an "internet relationship" with this person. Oh my.You do not say what this person was in jail for, and for how long. People in prison have a lot of time on their hands, and many "find God" and they all claim they are going to be a different person when they get out. Well, sure they are. They've lived in a cell for however long and that's not how the average person lives. So, he gets out and you take him in...then what? This man has to learn how to live with the real world again and he needs to find employment, which is going to be difficult. He's going to have some major stuggles and he's going to be shunned by most. You are taking one hell of a risk getting involved with this whole thing. You are believing an awful lot of things this person is telling you over a computer screen. Please do not tell me you have sent this man any money!If he is really who he says he is, then after he gets out, then you start dating him properly. Meet someplace in public and put a face to these words you've been reading for so long. Get to know this person, and keep your kids out of it! If this man is for real, he will get a job, have a car, earn his own money, get his own place and first build his life again BEFORE he marries you. What I fear is this man is latching onto anyone who will give him the time of day to find someone to actually take care of him, not the other way around. He's going to have so many hurdles and he is going to play on anyone's sympathy to help him out. Where's his family? Where is this man actually from? I mean, does he happen to be from the same area as you? Was he hoping you would come and pick him up when they let him out? Where was is this man planning on going when he gets out? To YOUR home? Your parents are the least of your problems right now. Get a grip and think this through. You have children and they need to be protected and a mother who's got a good head on her shoulders, not living in some fantasy world of the internet where anyone can say and be anything they want.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 October 2013):
 Simple, you don't tell them. You don't tell them because there is nothing to tell . All you could tell them is that there is an older jailbird who has been telling you nice things- as thousands of convicts are doing with other women from jails all over the country. 98% of times is bullshit.
Of course , not always is bullshit. He might be someone who really and sincerely wants to turn his life around, and devote the rest of it to being of service to his community, and building a secure family life.
If this is the case, he will have no problem in showing and confirming you just that, no matter how long it takes How ? by getting back on his feet ON HIS OWN. No money assistence, no free board and lodging, no fancy gifts from you. He will show you that he means business by DOING things, not just by saying them. He will find himself a job, and will keep it. He will find himself a place to live ON HIS OWN , until he is reassuringly settled He will get his own transportation, he will save some money on his own for wedding expenses. He will stay away for a long, consistent period of time ( it needs to be long and conistent to mean anything at all ) from drugs and drinking, or at least, drinking in excess,- he will only associate with people who are morally and socially irreproachable. And he will become a pastor as he said he was going to do. In the meantime, you can use the time to get to know each other better, and find out if between you there's real love and not just an unhealthy attachment born just out of loneliness ( also generously excluding that it was born out of sheer convenience on his side ).
Too long, too complicated, too difficult ? It takes too much time ,efffort and patience ?... If he says so, then you have your answer - your future ex con is mostly looking for a meal ticket , and he is going to take advantage of you in any way you'll let him : financially, emotionally, sexually, socially, etc.
So, summing it up, - do not say anything until you KNOW ( know as in you have evidence, not as in " my heart tell me so" ) that he is the real McCoy and not the alas pretty usual scamming cunning ex-con.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 October 2013):
 I have to tell you something - my cousin fell in love with a guy from prison for three years, and he said the same thing to her as well. He was religious, wanted to go on the mission field, etc. She had a 3-year old son from a previous marriage. She sent him money for the commissary and he promised to marry her when he got out. She was the one who picked him up from the prison, and for 3 months, he lived with her and was supported by her.
Within 3 months, she came home to find all of her things of value stolen, her bank account drained dry, and her 3-year old son who she thought this loving "reformed" man was safe to be around was beaten to within an inch of his life. The child is blind in that eye to this very day. He left to get back into drugs and ran off with another woman.
If you love your children, you will consider a different guy. Have you looked up his criminal record, or did you simply take his word for it? The guy my cousin fell in love with told a story of his first burglary gone wrong. The truth was domestic violence, multiple armed robberies, rape, and drug trafficking. Also, when you do see his record, usually it will reflect what he PLED DOWN to, which often isn't what he actually did. And if he's a sex offender, then you are going to expose your children to hell.
Have you been giving him money? Bad idea. Have you promised he'll live with you in 4 months? NO WAY. You don't expose your kid to someone who came from prison to your house. Have you been in contact with his family? What do they truly say about him, or did this guy weave a story about estrangement from his family?
There are such things as second chances, but you do not take chances or have a bleeding romantic heart when your kids are concerned, and your children are the most important priority in your life. If you're funnelling money to this guy, it's taking it out of your children's mouths.
Be careful and do your research. Do not go by what he says is his past. Go by doing a lot of research on him. Saying you're a "Christian" doesn't mean you drop your guard. That's how many child molesters teach Sunday school. Many Christians aren't smart when it comes to making sure trust is earned.
Protect your children. Don't send him money. Don't give him money when he gets out of jail. Do not expose your kids to him. He needs to live on his own or with his own family. Research him for past marriages, his criminal record (not what he SAID is his record) and so forth.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (31 October 2013):
 " how do i tell my parents about our relationship."
well you are 29 and old enough to make decisions in your life. but you are worried how they will react to him being in prison right?
the best thing i would think is tell them about him before he gets out, before they meet him. don't give them shock at the last minute. let them know how you met him, and your future plans together.
him being in prison will get their attention for sure, and may not get the reaction you want from your parents.
but being honest and upfront would be best to not build a wall between you and them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2013): Well you found yourself a catch! Everyone in prison finds God. Everyone in prison says they are changed. What's nuts is that you want him to live with you & expose him to your kids! Your like a dream girl for a guy like him- believe his story and are prepared to support him when he is fresh out of jail. How do you tell your parents? You don't. No normal parent would support it. They'll be beyond worried about your & kids safety. He needs to live independently and support himself and establish himself post prison. That's not your job. Marriage should only be on the table after a proper relationship that has been happy and stable for several years.
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