A
female
age
,
*lorida61
writes:Ever since my in-laws took a winter home in Florida my husband's dad "Marty" looks for opportunities to grab me(or "hug me" as he puts it)when his son and wife aren't around. If I enter their home last, "Marty" blocks my entry, grabs me and won't let me go. He will squeeze and kiss me while I squirm because I don't like him doing that. This makes him do it more so I feel that this is a power thing. Finally I started to shove him hard to get away. This just made him fight me harder. This makes me very uncomfortable. Having my husband follow me in solved that problem because his father won't do that to me in front of others. We often meet in restaurants instead of going to their home and everything has been fine until we had them for Christmas this year. I was busy when they came in but I said hello and kissed my mother-in-law. I said Merry Christmas to "Marty" and that was it. He was busy being greeted by my husband so it wasn't like I deliberately avoided him. While I was preparing dinner, my husband must have gone outside and when I turned around, there was "Marty", cornering me alone in the kitchen demanding a hug and kiss. I was busy so he hovered over me crowding my space until I finished my task and then he grabbed me. He did his old "hugging" routine which sickens me. I feel like he is abusing me and it's going to be hard for me to tell my husband because no one wants to hear that someone is acting in a perverted way with their wife, much less if that person in their dad. I don't know what to do. I want to smack "Marty" and tell his wife but this will cause family problems. I think that he does this to me when we are alone so that no one will believe me. I don't like that his actions make me upset and force me to have an unpleasant discussion with my husband again about his peculiar behavior. Any suggestions? Help!
View related questions:
christmas Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, florida61 +, writes (31 December 2008):
florida61 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgain, I want to thank all who responded. Those solutions are great. I am glad that I didn't confront "Marty" because he had a heart attack on Saturday the 27th. He said that he felt ill since the morning after the dinner in my original post. It wasn't fatal or terrible (he was released on the morning of the 30th) and I can't help but look on this as karma. His health problem will probably keep him at bay for a while. My husband was understanding and I feel better now that he knows that the problem with his father is still an issue. However, I will not hesitate to tell "Marty" that his behavior makes me uncomfortable and that his son is aware of it if he ever tries to corner me again, heart condition or not. No one has the right to make me feel that way.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): Confront him about his behaviour. He's going to try and make you out you are in the wrong passing it of as hugs.
Tell him you are not a fool and that he never does it in company.
Then explain the consequences if he continues.
Leave it at that.
If he continues, make good on the consequences.
123 as easy as that.
Don't hesitate to carry through.
Good luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): Tell your husband and good luck! Your father in law sounds like a massive pervert and i hope he changes and stops making you feel uncomfortable
...............................
A
male
reader, a_decent_1  +, writes (26 December 2008):
 Talk to your father in law first and warn him that any future misbehavious would lead to you revealing his actions..
Then give away a few hints to your husbant and see what happens..
G'day
...............................
A
female
reader, florida61 +, writes (26 December 2008):
florida61 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. I spoke to my husband and while it was difficult, I feel better. The incident is now out in the open. I approached it by reminding my husband of his father's past behavior and that he is at it again. I also expressed my discomfort and the fact that "Marty" may not be doing this as a sexual thing. I also stated that another big concern of mine was that he planned this attack as he waited until I was alone and my husband was outside, further proving that "Marty" realizes that his actions are inappropriate. I then told my husband that if it occurs again that I will tell "Marty" loudly to get his hands off of me. My husband was very understanding and doesn't doubt that "Marty" again tried to grab me. I feel badly that "Marty" is so disrepectful to his son, his son's wife and our marriage but this needed to get out in the open so that "Marty's" power was taken away. No one should make a person feel out of control or uncomfortable to satisfy their own needs. I also mentioned that "Marty" is 75 and dementia is a possiblilty so we need to keep an eye out for any other peculiar things that he may do. I now agree that we should keep "Marty's" wife out of it because it will just upset her and cause a huge family rift. I probably will speak to "Marty" as well and let him know how this makes me feel. If he pooh-poohs my concerns, I will then let him know that I have spoken to his son twice regarding his problem. Thank you all so much - I truly feel better and in control of my situation. I was so disraught over this situation and you have helped me to be brave enough to handle this in a smooth way.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): Your question is very clear and explains the problem and why it makes you uncomfortable. I think you should first sit down with your father-in-law and say, in no uncertain terms, that he is making you uncomfortable - just like you did in your question. Some men might take the squirming as a game. That is his fault for misinterpreting your actions, but he might not realize how he is making you feel.
If that doesn't work, you definitely need to sit down with both your husband and your father-in-law, and explain it again with your husband present. Your husband can shield you from his father, but only if he knows there is a need. Men tend to be problem-solvers, so tell him there is a problem and he'll fix it. I would want my wife to tell me.
The final step, if all else fails, is to bring your mother-in-law into the picture and maybe cut ties with that side of the family. You would not be the person causing family problems and should not feel guilty or pressured into feeling otherwise. It would be all "Marty's" fault, and any reasonable person would see it that way. It may be hard and awkward, but please do not suffer in silence anymore.
...............................
A
male
reader, Arianz  +, writes (26 December 2008):
 Dear,
I think u should share with ur hubby cause only he is the one who can make solution. But dont try to tell it to ur mother-in-law cause it can effect bad to her and maybe she will react against u.
But the way of talking with ur hubby should be different from others days. It should be more slow and polite and with defence. but don't make him mad at his DAD cause it will effect bad and try to control him if he will become excited.
I hope u will come get a good result
Best of luck
take care
arianz
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): Talk to your husband. Warn him that you must tell him of a problem however unpleasant it may sound to him. That your father-in-law approaches you in a way that is uncomfortable for you, a behaviour which he doesn't display in the presence of others. This is proof that he realises it is inappropriate. You can as well suggest that you lay him a trap where he thinks you are alone in the house while your husband lies in ambush. Hopefully he is caught in the act and is ashamed to repeat it. Also keep your children away from this man, even if he manages to correct this behaviour. Best wishes.
...............................
|
