A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I know that this sounds pathetic but here it goes im 23 i previously went out with a boy when i was 16 up until last xmas, we had a pritty much perfect relationship for 5 and a half years but when it came to last summer he wanted to move in and i still felt as though i needed more time as i still felt too young to commit to living together and starting a family, anyway this resulted in arguing for 6 months before we finally broke up. Anyways shortly after we broke up i found out he had been seeing a girl from work behind my back. I was an emotional wreck and my feiends were there for me completely. They were amazing. Anyway my ex broke things off with this girl from work after about 2 months and said he was sorry and he wanted me back and that he could wait for me etc etc anyway this went on for sometime and i just ignored him however since november ive started seeing him again, i'll be honest it was a bit up and down at first but everything seems great and im pleased were back together. The big problem? ... How do i tell my friends? Yes i know its been months but i still havent told them. They really hate him and are so opinionated and i just cant imagine bringing it up in conversation. I know they should be my friends no matter what but i dont want them to think of me as some push over who didnt listen to their advice and picked a boy over them because thats not the case. I know im 23 and should be a bit more grown up but im obviously not. Any help or suggestions would be great?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2012): "I know im 23 and should be a bit more grown up but im obviously not. Any help or suggestions would be great?"
Be a bit more grown up, develop some smarts and self-respect, and don't let a lying, cheating, controlling jerk
weasel his way back into your life with insincere falttery and empty promises and generic sweet-talk so he can start using you again before you alienate your friends leaving you truly alone when he breaks your heart again, which is the inevitable outcome of allowing ego and vanity to rule over good judgment and common sense.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): Tell your friends that you appreciate all their support and advice, and that yes you know that they believe you're destroying your life by getting back with this guy, but you have your reasons for doing so.
Yes your friends will be pissed at you if they went to out their way to support you when you were an emotional wreck because of him. And now when they see you back with him they will feel that their help given to you was for nothing. All you can do is express your appreciation to them for their help and understanding.
we all have to make choices for ourselves. From your friends' perspectives you've chosen to possibly destroy your own life (maybe it will turn out better this time around). and that's your right because it's your life. But then don't go asking them for help when he destroys your life again.
I have had friends who were self destructive and I was always there to pick up the pieces and help them. past a certain point I got fed up and stopped helping them. that doesn't mean I stopped caring, of course I continued to care for them. Just that I stopped helping them so much because obviously it wouldn't lead to anything useful so why bother... in the same way your friends are certainly free to stop supporting you if they feel that there's no point in them doing it since nothing ever changes. some people get too wrapped up in the outcome of their advice-giving and take offense if they take the time to give you advice and help you and you don't follow it. past a certain point that's their own problem - if they can't detach themselves from the advice they're giving then they shouldnt' be giving advice.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (2 March 2012):
 Here's my suggestion. You gather your friends together and say to them:
"You remember that guy I dated for almost six years? .. and he was anxious to move in together, and broke up with me because I said "No?"..... and I subsequently found out that he's been seeing another girl, anyway? .... And you all helped support me following that breakup, and told me that I was better off without him... and that you'd always support me? Well, I'm not bright enough to stay away from him... I'm up to seeing him again.... so you can expect me to be back in the same predicament before too long.... Is it reasonable for me to expect I can depend on you to support me, this time, WHEN HE DOES IT AGAIN?????"
That should do it.....
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 March 2012):
 Last summer he wanted to move in. Where? Because you didn't want him to move in that's reason to argue for 6 months? Then he went on to see another girl because you didn't let him move in. He needs to grow up. Wanting to move in is not love. It is about easy access to regular sex. There is no word about marriage here. You have to see if you and your boyfriend can continue to love each other without mentioning moving in at any time. What is the rush here? It's not like he can afford a house now. When you talk to your friend about him, tell them you would like to give it a try and take things slowly, that you understand their concerns but at least you are happy right now.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 March 2012):
 You have been with him since November now. And I can understand how you feel since he was probably your first love. I also understand why you want to give him another chance and why. I do get it.
I agree with Cerberus that it’s hard to sit back and watch friends destroy their lives and that your friends will probably think that’s what you are doing. And maybe it is. But it’s YOUR choice to do so. And as a friend I would support you to the best of MY ability. But it will be very hard for them to not say “told you so” if the same problems arise.
I’m a big believer in second chances but NOT third.
Part of being a friend is knowing that advice you give will not always be heeded. I have two friends who hate that I am with my partner. But they love me and support me… It’s a risk you have to take when you tell them that you are with him again… Maybe preface your telling them with “I know you are not going to be happy about what I am going to tell you and I understand if it’s a topic we can never discuss but I need to tell you something…” and maybe it will be just that… you tell them and then agree to not discuss it again…
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): "I know they should be my friends no matter what."
Actually OP that's not true at all. No one is ever nor should ever be someone's friend "no matter what" If a friend wants to ruin their life doing something you and they know they shouldn't do then they have every reason to walk away without feeling like a bad friend.
"i dont want them to think of me as some push over who didnt listen to their advice and picked a boy over them because thats not the case."
But that's exactly what you are and that is exactly what you did. Isn't it? I mean you wouldn't be hiding this from them if that wasn't the case would you?
"How do i tell my friends?"
I wouldn't tell them. I think you should wait a while first see how things go between you and him. Chances are he'll cheat again sooner or later because something tells me it was the girl who dumped him. Give it some time OP, you may well snap out and regain some sense or it may work out great for you both but until you know it's best if you kept this a secret from them and just tell your mom and have her to talk to.
Because honestly if you were my friend I'd walk away from our friendship until he was gone because quite frankly I wouldn't want to be dragged into the messy hell that will be your next break up, I'd also hate him for what he's done to you and would not even want to hear his name and most of all I would lose too much respect for you and would need time to gain that back.
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