A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Good Day Everyone, I'm in my mid 30's and my friend Khadine and I have a mutual friend Andrea. Names are not real. Khadine and Andrea are actually cousins and I became friends with both of them at different times in my life and in different ways. I met Khadine by working with her husband and I met Andrea since high school.Khadine and I have a lot in common, we've travelled alot, we think in a similar way. She's married with 2 beautiful kids and just like everyone else has had ups and downs with her husband but maturely they've sorted that out...no help from me..just on their own. I accept them for who they are and get along fine.Andrea is married with 3 completely unmannerly boys who don't respect anyone and a husband who treats her like crap. Recently they started going to counselling which I told her I was happy about because I believe they really need alot of help. She's shared with me that she has alot of regrets marrying him as she was never her true self around him and that she didn't want her life to be the way it is now. Andrea's husband has an amazing job but somehow...by some miracle never has any money...so if she and I go out, I'm always the sponsor. Recently I went to dinner with her and during dinner we were talking about a guy that I've been seeing, not in a relationship with but we have a beautiful friendship that can actually go somewhere. As such we are taking our time and being very sure that things are right between us. He's younger than me by 2 years. No baby mamas and never been married.She says to me at the table that I am sponsoring her dinner....." I think you should hurry you with your friend, I mean you are not getting any younger and if you wait to have children by 40, you know it is not a good idea. You don't want to be an old maid you know. Her tone was extremely condescending. My response to her was that I will get married and have an amazing relationship. I prefer to wait until I am financially secure so I don't have to live month to month paycheck to paycheck. When the time is right to have children, I am sure they will be fine. We don't live in the medeival ages...I'm not worried. I prefer to wait when everything is in place so I can enjoy my relationship. In the unlikely event that I can't have children, there are wonderful children to adopt. She didn't say anything.Yesterday now, I am talking to Khadine, not even about Andrea, we were just talking about a different matter all together. And she says to be that Andrea was at her house yesterday with her husband and her children. She walks in with an extra child and doesn't even introduce the kid to Khadine or her husband, and then proceeds to say..."why is your house smelling like dog pee...or it must be your fish tank". I thought to myself, despite what you might smell, or what you might think, there is a certain level of respect that you need to have when you enter someone's home, regardless of if they are related or not. Khadine didn't say anything to her as they were in front of a guest.....yes a guest. It's like since she started marriage counselling, she thinks 1. she now has the best marriage and the best thinking and 2. She can say what she likes whenever she likes.Now I care about her alot, but she's not real educated and fumbles her way around conversations at her husband's company dinners etc. Her attitude is just not helping either. Because all those other wives who have Degrees, and Masters...they will put her in her place quickly and tear her apart. Everyone's husband is a corporate wiz kid. When they realise that she's all mouth and nothing behind it ...they will make it difficult for her to belong.How do I tell her she needs to tone the self righteousness down?
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male
reader, Xearo +, writes (11 July 2012):
I understand this situation perfectly. Truth be told I happen to think the best way to deal with these things is to speak up about it as soon as it happens. Andrea can say what is on her mind, but the same goes for you and Khadine. You did great by saying what you intended to do with your future at dinner. Remember that Andrea is just saying what is on her mind at that point. Khadine should have pulled Andrea aside and told her to have a little more respect for the house especially when they have guests over. Either way, my point is that something has to be spoken to said to Andrea else she will continue with this attitude. If no one says anything, she will continue and strong arguments will occur.
I don't know if she WILL change because I think her attitude stems from the core of her personality. Ladies like these speak as though they are the victims and make you feel sorry for them. Yet they aren't open minded to other directions life can take you. For example you said she never has money, but maybe she does have but chooses to never spend it on you. She seems like a vocal bully so you all have to stand up to her.
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