A
female
age
41-50,
*indsay34dd
writes:Confused by his behaviourMy story is concerning someone I knew years ago who I had a short fling with. We then went our separate ways for about 15 years and then found each other on facebook again 3 years ago. To start with it was great to catch up, we met up occassionally and had chats on the phone, texts etc. He lives in a different town from me so it was never easy to meet and also he has his own life as do I. Anyway as time went on it became clear that there were feelings between us, kind of unfinished business and lots of tension that meant that when we met up it was hard to remain as just friends. Nothing too serious happened, only we held hands, hugged, kissed etc like we were a couple. It took me back to the first time we had met years ago and was such a great feeling. He also admitted that there was definitely something there and he too found it hard to ignore it.Here is my trouble: he has a girlfriend, who he has been with pretty much since we broke up 15 years ago. He lives with her but they are not married, have no children and in my opinion he can't be that serious about her if he does react this way to me and has not bothered marrying her in 15 years. But he is not going to leave her and I know that. Married or not, she is a long term part of his life and the only life he knows.I have tried so hard to suppress my feelings, tried to treat him as just a friend, tried not to kiss him or feel the way I do. We have even gone nearly a whole year without meeting just casually messaging each other but its no good, we met again and it was the same. My dilemma is that I understand he wont leave his girlfriend but I can't not have him around. I am happy to meet him when I can and have a casual thing with him. The last time we met he said he couldnt commit to me and couldn't text me lots and had a wall up because he didnt want it to be too intense. He did say that he wanted to see me again and when I said to him that we couldnt seem to keep our hands off each other, he said that's what I'm worried about. He seems concerned that I will want more, but is it that he is worried he might want more? Deep down I dont think he wants to stop contact either but he goes distant for ages and I just dont know what to expect next. When we are together things are great. How can I get him to relax and go along with this whatever it is? And is he really that into his girlfriend?
View related questions:
broke up, facebook, has a girlfriend, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2012): you cant be serious right? how can he NOT be serious with his gf/fiance of 15 years. i have news for you : they are considered common law husband and wife. and this should be serious enough!
why does he run to you every now and then?
because he can
because he knows he can get you.
because you allow the lovey dovey to happen
because you have not been selective thus far and you have been okay being the little bit on the side.
dont fool yourself that 15 years means nothing: a pice of marriage certificate does not define a relationship
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (12 July 2012):
 I agree with SVC. This guy is just using your for what he considers harmless excitement. He's careful to not go too far yet he likes the ego boost that he gets from you. But at the end of the day he goes back to his girlfriend of 15 years and what are you left with? Nothing but a million questions which he has no answers to and never will.
Please dont allow yourself to be treated this way. Either you have a very low opinion of yourself and are willing to accept sloppy seconds or you have tremendous confidence in your abilities to think that you might get this guy to leave his girlfriend for you and that's what you're trying.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 July 2012):
 he wants you when he wants you because it adds excitement.
if he didn't love her and want to be with her he would leave.
folks stay in relationships for their own reasons. I stay with my broken man out of love and obligation...
my father is with his partner for 16 years... they live together and I consider her my stepmother... he will not marry her but it's purely for legal and financial reasons.... just because a couple does not marry or have children together does not mean they are not committed to each other and the relationship.
My concern for you OP is that you think SO LITTLE of yourself that you are willing to accept sloppy seconds and crumbs from this guy...
...............................
A
female
reader, lindsay34dd +, writes (12 July 2012):
lindsay34dd is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe keeps going back to her but then keeps meeting up with me again too. So I'm not even sure he knows what he wants. Doesn't it seem strange? He can't seem to stay away from me yet wants me at arms length
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (12 July 2012):
If he didn't love her then he wouldn't be with her for 15 years. Yes he did stray but ultimately he did go back to her and he doesnt intend leaving her.
...............................
A
female
reader, lindsay34dd +, writes (12 July 2012):
lindsay34dd is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies. I do not expect him to leave his long term girlfriend, but just want to make sure he will still see me I guess. Everytime we meet we have a connection and the only way to stop that is to break all contact, never see him or message him again. He is such a good friend and I do not want to lose him like that.
I understand that he is clearly committed to his girlfriend, but really would he be doing this with me if he truly loved her?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): I generally am starting to believe most men are pigs and are not worth bothering with, sex is all they crave and I think it best to love 'em and leave em the way they do to us. Why not? My boyfriend had an indiscretion when we met with another woman, and now I am lusting after another guy. I think humans are rarely monogamous.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (11 July 2012):
 Hi
You are just kidding yourself. You are accepting sloppy seconds. Yuk. He goes silent because he is easing the guilt of seeing you by being extra nice to his partner. He will not leave her, they are committed even without a marriage certificate and children. He chooses to stay in his 15 year relationship.He is simply using you, probably re-living his youth or having a mid-life crisis.
You offered yourself on a plate,he took it and will continue to do so till you get bored or he does.Look around you at all the available single men you could be meeting and dating one of them.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (11 July 2012):
He's not leaving his girlfriend and while he did share some moments with you, its all over now and its clear that he doesn't want jeopardize what he has with his girlfriend. Seems to me that you are trying to justify it to yourself that since he's not married to her in 15 years then he's "can't be that serious about her". Sorry OP, but marriage isn't everything and there can be a lifetime of commitment without marriage. He's been with her for 15 years and that speaks volumes. As regards his little episode with you, it was just a casual thing. Maybe he regrets it now and is making himself clear that he doesn't want any repeats of whatever happened.
Respect that, respect the fact that he is in a relationship and leave him alone. Don't be the other woman in someone else's life, don't do this to the girlfriend and don't expect him to play along with you just because you want to. There are certain boundaries in life and the fact that he's taken is definitely one of them! And even if he does leave his G/f of 15 years for you, who's to say he wont drop you for another fling that might come his way?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): Seriously? He's not that intersted in her and yet he's been with her for 15 years???? And not left for you??
You don't sound like all you want is casual either .......
Move on with your life hon. He isn't going to change - sorry
...............................
A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (11 July 2012):
 simple answer, he can't have it both ways, either you'll fall for him hard, or she'll find out and demand he choose you or her.
Don't let him have his cake and eat it too, leave him to his gf and go and find yourself a man that you don't have to share with someone else!!! Believe me, i've been here before with my ex, and i did not feel good about myself, i put my life on hold for him (thinking that things would be different, but they weren't!) and i regret that so much!!!
Don't waste your life on a man who doesn't want you...
...............................
|
