A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My cousin and I, when we were in are early teens, made an extremely stupid choice and had sex with each other. We are the same age and at the time, we both enjoyed it. We lost our virginity to each other. Now as an adult, I realize how stupid it was and dangerous it was (luckily, she did not get pregnant and neither one of us had an STD to give to the other). If I could go back in time, I would NEVER have had sex with her.We still talk. We now have a normal cousin relationship. We don't hang out or anything like that. We just talk like normal teenagers at family events or whenever we run into each other. Both of us are engaged (not to each other, we are engaged to other people). We talked in private about our past mistake as teenagers and how/if we should tell our fiancée/Fiancé. We both agreed we will never tell anybody that we had sex with each other. The question is if she and/or will ever tell our fiancée/fiancé that we are no longer virgins? And if we do, how would we explain that we are no longer virgins without admitting who we had sex with?Any advice on how we should handle our stupid mistake from our teenage years?W
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2018): I feel compelled to respond because I do not agree with some parts of earlier answers here. I think that you should stop thinking that you made a big mistake - you are being much too hard on yourself. There is no reason to feel guilty about what you did with your cousin. The two of you did what healthy teenagers have been doing since Adam and Eve – experimenting with sex. You both did it freely of your own choice and you both enjoyed it. That she was your cousin is not relevant, it happens all the time. In reality, it may be a good thing because you can trust her. You should cherish the memory of that experience. Part of being sexually mature and responsible is respecting the privacy of those with whom you have been intimate. It appears that both of you have since behaved maturely and should trust each other to continue to do so.What about your fiancé? If you had previously been married, or been in a live-in relationship, or had any children, then yes, you’d want to tell your fiancé about it. There is no general obligation to reveal all sexual encounters and you are never obligated to volunteer the explicit details of your sexual encounters with anyone, those things are private. However you may volunteer information about your sexual history under two circumstances: (1) your fiancé directly asks you a question, and it is your wish to answer her or (2) your fiancé reveals something of her sexual past (or lack thereof) and you wish to or you feel it is appropriate to reciprocate her intimacy by revealing something of yourself.In deciding what to tell your fiancé, you have two things to keep in mind: you are obligated to maintain the privacy of all previous lovers, and you want to be open and honest with your fiancé. If you have the attitude that I described above, then you could honestly and unashamedly say that you had a brief, healthy, consensual sexual encounter with a girl of your own age when you were a teenager. If you wish, or if your fiancé inquires further, you could go on to tell her as much as you are comfortable with: that she was a friend, or how awkward or confident you felt, or how much enjoyment you both felt, or how little or how much you learned, or that she had been a virgin too, or how in retrospect you are not sure if it was the right thing to do but you don’t have any hang-ups about it, and how you both had agreed to never tell another soul as long as you lived. In short, reveal as little or as much as you are comfortable with (except her name), so that your fiancé feels that you are being open and honest with her. If at any time your fiancé presses you with questions that you are not comfortable with, it is perfectly acceptable for you to tell her that you are not comfortable answering that question. Your fiancé should then respect your wishes. If she does not, then you and your fiancé need to have a basic discussion about what is or is not out-of-bounds in your relationship, so that you find out if there are any deal breakers here before you get married. Best wishes.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 August 2018):
 You should be honest with her and tell her you are not a virgin but you don't need to tell her anything else, if she asks who it was simply say it was a girl you knew when you where younger and it was a mistake and leave it at that.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (26 August 2018):
 Why is this even a question? Why do you need to bring this up? Let alone tell your partner who you lost your virginity to.
Unless you’re implying that your partner thinks you’re a virgin and you lied to her about it. If she got together with you on the premise of you never having slept with someone else then that’s a very dickish move and I think you need to come clean about that. In that case I would just tell her I’m not a virgin and then I’d make the assumption that she would leave you due to the betrayal, but that’s what happens when you lie to people.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2018): Was it a one off case with your cousin or did you carry on doing it? If it was a one off case then I don't your fiancee will suspect you especially if she hasn't any experience herself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2018): I don't get it? Why do you have to tell your fiance who you first slept with...ages ago when you were a teenager?
Why would she want to know the identity of someone you slept with anyway? You've dated, and went through an entire courtship, now you're concerned about revealing to your fiance who you first had sex with???
You're a man in his 30's! How naive would your fiance be to think you're still a virgin; and why do you find any necessity in revealing who took your virginity?
Keep it to yourself. You don't have to reveal every single detail of your past life; if it is irrelevant to how you feel about your fiance.
Are you Muslim, a devout Hindu, or of a strict fundamentalist religious-faith that you have to confess your virginity? If not, avoid the subject. I know of no instance that is required that you tell your fiance who took your virginity.
There is no evidence of whether a man is a virgin or not; unless he doesn't have a clue how to have sex.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 August 2018):
 Uhh, it should have been LONG BEFORE you were ENGAGED to someone that you should have disclosed that you weren't a virgin. If your fiance thinks that you're a virgin when you're not, that's ALL SORTS OF WRONG. You should always be honest with a sexuality status and allow your partner to make a decision about it based on her values about sexuality as long as ask you to take an STI test whether you think you need it or not. If she's a virgin and you're not, don't even think of making her think that you are when you aren't, because that WILL come out.
Also, I rarely disagree with Honeypie because she is extremely wise and gives fantastic advice, but I think that the fact that you lost your virginity to your cousin should be disclosed to your fiancee BEFORE you marry.
Here's why: While I get why Honeypie believes the past should stay in the past, here's why I disagree with it:
1. It's not "in the past". You say that you still talk with your cousin, and you both STILL DISCUSS what happened between you. That's not the past. THat's the present. It's still the defining issue in your relationship with her.
2. You still keep contact with your cousin on a regular basis. I know you describe it as "We now have a normal cousin relationship", but in truth, it means that you're KEEPING AN EX in your life. That's baggage.
3. Since your ex whom you lost your virginity to is still in your life, your fiancee should be allowed to make a decision on whether or not she wants to marry someone who's ex-sexual partner is to be a permanent fixture in your life. Would you want her to keep an ex-sexual partner as a friend in HER life while she's with you??
This is called owning up to the responsibility of your actions. It's GOING to come out what happened. That sort of thing always does. You have this one chance to HONOR your fiancee by telling her what happened, YOU being the one to explaining it, and giving HER the opportunity to decide to be okay with it. Otherwise, if you get married and she finds out through someone else like it's a dirty little secret, she'll think your life was a lie and she'll feel betrayed. Trust: destroyed.
Your fiance needs to KNOW that you're not a virgin, and she needs to know that this is a person who is still in your life. It was a stupid decision by you and your cousin in your early teens, but there are repercussions to every decision. As long as you didn't lie to your fiance about being a virgin in the first place (if you DID lie to her about being a virgin when you're not, you're screwed), then explaining that it was a stupid childish mistake that you'll never duplicate and would take back in a heartbeat if you could, and YOU explained that it was a stupid childhood cousin thing, chances are she'll let it go. Women hate being lied to more than anything, and having huge family secrets like that hidden is even worse.
It actually I think would make it better for you if it was your cousin as a young teenager than just you losing it to some random stranger and not giving details or falsifying some "stranger one night stand" issue. That would make her realize that it WAS one freak mistake that doesn't affect the two of you, and that you're not prone to sneak off for some strange.
Be honest with her. If you value her, you would give the decision to her. Chances are if you haven't lied to her in the past about being a virgin, she'll forgive you as being young kids who didn't know any better, like two kids who accidentally got ahold of a chainsaw and put a hole in the garage door. She'll know that you're not prone to go skirt chasing, and that you're not hiding anything from her. I think you'll strengthen your relationship with your fiance by disclosing what happened instead of threatening it. There's no better path forward than honesty and trust.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 August 2018):
 You don't NEED to tell your fiance any detail or give her names.
You can tell her that you regret your first time but it's in the past and you don't want to discuss it. It's OK to have had sex being young and stupid. After all 80% of women regret their first time (though only 20% of guys do and well, you are one of those 20%).
Let it stay in the past.
And IF you do tell her this, know that SHE has the same right to NOT give YOU details (which you by the way don't need) about HER past and sex life before you.
I find it kind of strange that you have dated a girl this long and never discussed whether you have had sex before or not... But in that sense maybe it is for the best. I don't think you have anything to be ashamed off, really. I would however, NOT share the detail of WHO you had sex with. It's not important.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (26 August 2018):
 Few people say who they've had sex with before, they just say they have. "I'm not a virgin" doesn't usually get followed up with "who did you lose it to?" and if it does, you just say "someone from before" or "someone I'd rather forget being intimate with" and leave it at that.
Nobody should hide being a virgin or not from their partner, but you don't have to be upfront about who it was.
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